Assessment #6: Did I do enough?

     At my last assessment a 12 week goal was set for me--get under 200lbs. That is my next big weight loss milestone and would mean needing to lose 16lbs at my assessment tonight. Sixteen pounds was the least amount I had lost at my other 5 assessments so achieving that was not really far-fetched.  I lost 9lbs and the first thing I said was it isn't 16.  Kyle assured me I had a great assessment, but I admit that nagging voice of insecurity was telling myself I failed and that I wasn't good enough. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have come so far in a short time but I am a little disappointed in myself for not reaching my goal. Did I work hard enough?  Did I let myself slack too much with eating?  Why can't I just be happy for myself for having just lost weight?    I know some people will not understand why I'm disappointed with a 9lb loss. From the look on his face, I'm not even sure Kyle understood since most people would be happy with 9lbs.   But I guess when you have spent years beating yourself up for not being good enough and not being able to love yourself, it's easy to return to that negative self-talk.  Tonight showed me that even though my confidence has grown by leaps and bounds I still have a long way to go to completely accepting myself and being proud of myself in all that I have accomplished especially when I fall short of a goal.
     Usually during my assessments there is not time for a workout, but Kyle had me do the workout of the day which was timing how long it took to do 100 squats with a cling and press using 12.5 lb dumbbells.  Every 2 minutes you stop and do three burpees (burpees are basically jumping down into push up position and jumping back up).  I finished in 8:58 which was pretty good and he said something about at 335 lbs would I have ever thought I'd be able to do a burpee and now I was doing them without much difficulty. He's right. Those are the accomplishments I have been drawing my strength and confidence from-not the numbers on the scale. Before I left the gym tonight I went to the wall of success (or as I like to call it the Loser board) and looked at mine, perhaps as a way to put things back into perspective. 

"Thanks to the staff at ATF and especially my trainer Kyle Watson, I have discovered within myself a sense of strength, self-confidence and determination that I never knew I had. I now have the drive, motivation and belief in myself to keep conquering my goals." 

 I re-read my quote and felt myself tearing up.  113 pounds is a lot to be proud of so why was I once again beating myself up?  (So now I'm beating myself up for beating myself up) So after a hug at the gym and spending the evening talking--actually texting-- to my "support group" (thanks Jae, Stacy, Leah, Aunt Joni, Jill and Charles), I'm realizing I need to focus less on getting under 200 lbs and more on the path that is going to take me there.

Improving my balance

     My balance is horrible, in fact I've told Kyle several times it just plain sucks. He tells me it has gotten a lot better from when I first started, but I just don't see improvement. I'm as weebly wobbly as ever.  Lately however I have discovered that not only am I not going to be balancing myself across a tight rope any time soon,  I'm struggling balancing all the different roles in my life.

                   
      I'm finding myself feeling overwhelmed.   I'm sure it's a combination of lots of things--primarily lack of sleep and stress at work, but I find myself getting so tired and feeling all this weight pressing down on my shoulders. I'm sure we have all been there before; we have so many different roles every day, it's hard to juggle them all without dropping one every now and then.  I guess the trick is not letting them all drop at the same time.  I am trying to focus  mainly on losing weight and transforming my life, but I still have all these other roles that I deal with daily--mom, employee, daughter, friend and more. It would be nice if we could all be on a TV show like the Biggest Loser where the only job you have is to get fit and lose weight.  But that isn't the real world.
      First and foremost I'm a mom and at times I find myself feeling guilty for spending so much time focusing on myself and putting some of my needs and wants ahead of Toby.  I think that guilt is compounded because I am a single mom and it's pretty much always just been me and him. Since he was little, I have  overcompensated for the fact that his father wasn't around and have tried to be both mother and father to him.  Granted he's a teenager and doesn't need or want me around as much as he used to but I think sometimes he misses me always being home. I know he is really proud of me and is glad I have gotten healthier but sometimes he does complain about me not being as available as I used to be--usually the complaints come around dinner time when he's starving and I haven't fixed dinner yet because I was working out or when I didn't have the laundry done and he was looking for clothes. Speaking of laundry and dinner, I am definitely not juggling the household chores very well.   When Tommy and I separated I pretty much didn't have the energy or desire to do anything. I didn't care if the bed was made or if I dusted each week. I let the mail pile up and lost any organization I once had. Now that I do have more energy and I'm tired of my house being a mess, I feel totally overwhelmed and have no clue where to even begin. By the time I get home in the evenings, fix dinner, do dishes and get things ready for the next day, it's about time for bed or I'm too drained to do anything else.       
         I have worked so hard these past several months to find myself again---no actually, to find myself for the first time. It has taken me almost 37 years to start feeling happy in my own skin.  I have finally made myself & my well-being a priority. I spend a lot of time in the gym and I know that is time I could be getting other things done, but working out is an outlet for the stress and it's during that time that I've worked through a lot of my issues.  I honestly believe the progress I have made by working out has had a greater impact on finding myself than the weight loss itself. Losing weight is an awesome bonus, but it is in the workouts and Kyle pushing me that I have found confidence and strength. I have this drive now that I have never felt before. My mind will still tell me I can't do it but that no longer stops me. I will try and keep trying until I conquer it (remember the box jump). For instance, this past week at our final boot camp, Kyle had 2 people doing assisted pull ups instead of the seated ones we had all been doing the past 6 weeks. I told him at my training session that night, I wanted to get to where I could do a real pull up.  I love the fact that I am constantly wanting to improve and get a little further each time I workout. So cutting back on the time I'm spending at the gym and on this weight loss journey is not an option.
        I think we as women and mothers expect ourselves to be Wonder-Woman or Supermom. Able to do it all (and perfectly at that) and won't settle or expect anything less of ourselves. It isn't working for me anymore. Expecting myself to do it all and have it all together all the time is putting way too much pressure on myself.  I need to figure out a way to balance out all these roles or at least come up with a plan to keep me from feeling so overwhelmed.  I'm a list person but tend to think I can accomplish a lot more in a day or weekend than I really can. Inevitably I end up beating myself up for not being able to do enough (imagine that--me beating myself up over something!)  I'm working on breaking that cycle and be happy with whatever I do get accomplished instead of thinking of all those things that I did not, but I struggle with that.   Sometimes I feel like a hamster trying to keep up with the wheel that occasionally throws you upside down on your ass. 

      I need to focus on getting just one thing done each day outside of my daily tasks.  Gradually that one thing a day will add up to where I can start seeing progress  (yes, Jae I was listening lol--and if anyone else has any suggestions please share!).  Just like my weight loss, it is not going to happen overnight. I took step after step to get to where I am now. I just need to apply that process to the other roles in my life.  Finding the balance I want in my life is going to be a process. I'm finally ready to take that first step.
 
   

Perks, Breakthroughs and Little Embarrassments

      As the weight is coming off I am often amazed how much I am changing mentally and physically. I am not the same person I was when I started my journey in March.   I have grown so much these past few months and I feel like I am getting my sparkle back.  In fact this past Friday I had what I consider to be a major breakthrough for me.....I looked in the mirror before going to work and thought I looked pretty.  I have NEVER thought that before.  I actually liked what I saw looking back at me. When I started this journey I hated myself and had for a long long time. Honestly sometimes I wondered if that would change even after losing weight.  I had always considered myself ugly and disgusting and I had absolutely no self-confidence.  For me to actually think I looked pretty, even for one day is a huge breakthrough.  Once I got to work I had to e-mail Jenn and Stacy to share my moment with them, bringing them both to tears. They  know how much I have struggled with feeling ugly and unworthy and I think for them to see me overcoming that is probably as emotional for them as it is for me. I am holding my head higher and have noticed I'm making eye contact now when walking by someone. Normally I would walk looking down at the floor--I guess thinking if I didn't make eye contact with people then they wouldn't notice me and see how hideous I was.   Now I don't want to remain invisible to others.
       My body is physically changing as the weight is coming off. I never thought I'd be so excited about bones and muscles. My arms are getting some definition and although you won't find me flexing in the mirrors at the gym, I admit I have in front of my bathroom mirror. In an earlier blog I wrote about constantly wrapping my hand around my wrist because my fingers and thumb would now touch. Well that has been replaced by my collarbone. Yes I know it's always been there but I've never been able to see or feel it before. Although I cannot see my rib cage, I can now feel it. And an added bonus-- if I ever need CPR whoever is trying to save my life can find my sternum! Speaking of the sternum area...(WARNING:  this part may be a little TMI for some so if you don't want to read about my boobs skip to the next paragraph!) my bras keep getting bigger and bigger--or I guess I should say my boobs keep getting smaller. My mom likes to point out just how much smaller they are getting.  It never fails, we will be in the van going somewhere and out of the blue she will look over (and sometimes reach over) and point out how much smaller they are.  Not so embarrassing for me, but it really gets on Toby's nerves if he's in the van.  I did have an embarrassing moment though in Wal-mart.  I stopped to talk to my aunt who works there when loudly in the middle of the aisle she said "wow, you are losing your boobs!"  That did make me a little self-conscious and want to shrink into the floor.  There are "perks" though to them getting smaller.  My back pain is gone which is a major plus.  And for all those larger chested women reading this you will know what I mean by this, when I lie down I'm no longer flat chested.  They don't fall over to my armpits anymore so I guess all those upper body exercises are making me a little perkier!    (Okay, I swear I'm done talking about boobs now!)
       There is one other physical change that does make me pretty self-conscious--the sound of my flabby skin smacking when I'm running or doing some exercises.  I'll never forget one of the first times I heard it, it was during the first boot camp I did and I believe we were skipping or doing high knees and *SMACK*.  I wasn't the only one that heard it, Kyle thought it was my knee or hip popping.  Nope, it was my flab hitting flab.  It is happening more frequently now and I try to not let it bother me, but it is rather embarrassing and I am self-conscious about it.   I will just have to live with it and as I lose more and the skin becomes loser it will probably happen more frequently.
       I had another breakthrough this weekend as well.  During boot camp we have been doing box jumps on Thursdays.  A box jump sounds really simple.  You jump up on this with both feet at the same time (and see the larger ones to the left---I've seen people actually jump on those too--I'm in total awe when I see that!): 

 I could not do a box jump. I could not do it on a regular step either.  Just something about lifting both feet off the ground at the same time just did not comprehend with me. So on the weekends when Stacy and I are working out I practice because there are very few people there early in the mornings so if I go splat not too many will see me.  I did get to where I could jump on the step platform and with one set of risers--except during boot camp. I don't know if it's because we do these TRX squat muscle up thingies beforehand and I'm tired or if it's because everything is timed and we are trying to beat our time from the previous week.  So it has become a goal of mine to conquer the box jump and this past Saturday I really focused on this during my time at the gym. I don't know how many times I would start to jump then just stop.  I had this mental block that just will not let my brain tell my legs to jump. The new physical trainer manager, Drew had come in to work while I was struggling with getting my feet off the floor.  He suggested I stand beside the box and just jump so I could see that I would clear it. My feet would land on the floor and not the platform so it would take some of the fear out of it.  I could do that but still I couldn't get both feet up on the platform....but I kept trying and finally--success!!  WOO-HOO!!

        I'm learning to embrace all of these "perks", breakthroughs and even the embarrassments during my journey.  Kyle mentioned during my training session today that I should start keeping a list of all these little (and big) successes to keep as a reminder how far I've come. He talked about when I first started and had to take breaks pulling the tire around the building and now to look back on that moment, I know I can easily do that and so much more.  I'm recording those moments in this blog, but he's right I should start a running list of dates and accomplishments perhaps I'll even record those little embarrassments too--just for future laughs. One day I'll look back (maybe as I'm doing box jumps on the great big platform) and think that wasn't so hard.
 

Fifth Assessment: almost 8 months on this journey

      The moment was here....had I done enough in the past 6 weeks to reach the 14 pound goal that would bring my total weight loss to 100 lbs?  Triple digits...I never thought I would be even close to being able to say I've lost 100 pounds. I had warned Kyle that I would probably cry either way the scale went...if it was below 14lbs I'd be disappointed.  I would try to remind myself that any loss was a loss and I should be proud of that, but it would have been difficult.  If I reached 14 then I knew I would more than likely want to cry but it would be happy tears.  235 was the magic number......and I was at 231!!  I did it!!  I have lost 104 pounds!!  I cannot even begin to explain all that was going through my mind.  I fought back the tears because I didn't want to cry in front of my trainer and everyone else in the gym at the time,  now that I think about it what would it have mattered if I did shed a few tears.  It feels so good to be able to say I am PROUD of myself. I have worked hard, had ups and downs and am learning to celebrate the ups and fight through the downs.

January 2012

October 17, 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 I know I have posted the January 2012 picture in a previous blog but I was looking back through some of my entries and saw this picture.  I don't even recognize myself.  It's funny though, I don't really recognize the girl on the right yet either.   That's okay though, I like her a lot better than who I was in January even if I'm still trying to figure her out.

     My next big goal is to reach "one"derland.  It still amazes me to think that is definitely a possibility now.  I imagine I haven't been under 200 lbs since elementary school. I know in fifth grade I would come home crying almost every day because I was smart and fat so I was the fat ass teacher's pet, so if I wasn't over 200 lbs then I was certainly close.  I admit I was a little intimidated when Kyle told he wants me to reach "one"derland in the next 12 weeks.  My first thought was uh...Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.  But I'm going to go for it.  I'll just have to figure out what my must haves are for each holiday and let myself have a little (okay--I already know chocolate covered cherries and white fudge oreos--I'll just only buy one box of each instead of 5 or 6 and hide it from the other 2 in the house so I can actually have some of it).  I will make sure my workouts are a priority and be smart about the majority of my meals.  

    The other goal Kyle set for me is going to be a big challenge for me.  He wants me to do a presentation/talk with other people about what I'm eating, how I track and stay relatively consistent.  I love to write but public speaking on the other hand is not something I am good at.  When I'm writing I'm sitting at my computer in my pjs not in front of others watching me.  But one of the things I wanted to do when I started this journey was to hopefully inspire others to start their own journeys. Perhaps this is a way to help someone else know that success is possible even with all the ups and downs and the days when you either want to crawl back in bed or eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream (or both at the same time).

    I saw this quote today when I logged into facebook and I think it really shows where I am right now on my journey:

 

I'm not completely there yet but I've taken such huge steps, a little off balance at times but still moving forward.

Facing my past

    This entry is hard for me to write but I keep coming back to feeling like this is something I HAVE to do.  I wasn't going to post this and just share with a few people who have been so very important in my journey thus far, but the more I think about it, I don't think I am going to be able to really move on without just putting it out there and acknowledging the past and the role it played in letting myself reach 338 pounds. I also need to admit that even after all these years I still struggle to deal with trying to move past all those insecurities and fears.
      I cannot explain how badly I wish I could look in the mirror and think "hey you know what Alicia, you are beautiful--inside and out" or that someone will tell me that one day and I actually believe them.   But I cannot see a day yet where that will happen. I have had things happen and allowed things to happen to me that  have made me feel ugly, disgusting and unworthy of being loved or even feeling like I matter in this world. I no longer hate myself or feel completely disgusted by who I am or what I look like, so that is progress but I'm a long way from thinking I look remotely attractive. I don't know why it is so important to me to feel pretty or beautiful. I guess it's important to any woman...or man for that matter. Who doesn't want to be considered attractive?  I know it doesn't sound like it but my confidence is growing and my self-esteem has improved so much, but when you have felt so horrible about yourself for so long it's hard to move past that.  It's time I put the past behind me. It happened and it's over. I'm not the same person I was then nor will I let it define or destroy me anymore. I am moving past the feelings of being unworthy and am discovering within myself someone who is strong and wants to be a confident, determined  and happy person.
     I'm not going to go into a long story about my past-- because it is not something I can go into great detail about and some of you I have already told (or you were there to help pick up the pieces). I don't want to relive those days, I just need to put pen to paper how those things made me feel and I'm getting to the point where I am understanding why I feel the way I do so much more clearly now and I am wanting to really change how I feel about me.  I'm also at the point in my journey where tackling my past doesn't hurt and bring me down like it once did. I cannot change the past. Even though it's taken many years for me to be able to turn it into a positive in my life, my past plays an important role in the person I am becoming.
    My mom and I always lived with my grandparents.  My grandma was diabetic and my grandpa was legally blind. Mom was a single mom and she needed their help with me.  I loved my grandparents tremendously and when I was 9 my grandma died the day before Mother's Day.  My grandpa was heartbroken and died the following March.  He was never the same after she passed away and that summer changed my life forever. I was way too young to be exposed to what he did to me and didn't understand why it was happening. I remember dreading the days when my cousin decided she wanted to stay home and not come into town and stay with us.  I was safe when she was there and he would leave me alone. He was never mean and I remembered him crying at times so I have to believe he didn't intentionally want to hurt me and that he wasn't really aware what he was doing.  After a few weeks I did tell some of what was going on to my mom but not much. I didn't want to hurt her. She talked to him and it did stop after that. The ironic thing is after she spoke to him, the three of us went for ice cream and it was like nothing ever happened. She and I didn't speak of it again until much later when I was in college and had just gotten out of a brief but very abusive relationship. I never pinpointed my dependence on food throughout the years until going through this journey.  Ice cream is still one of my main comfort foods. When I'm upset or down, that is exactly what I want to feel better.  Once I realized that moment when I was 9 is where my dependence on food started, I also realized that was when I really started gaining more and more weight. I had always been chubby but after that summer I steadily would get bigger and bigger. I cannot tell you how much I weighed in jr, high or high school but I think it was probably more than what I weigh right now.  My dependence on food got to the point where I would binge which carried over into adulthood and even now when I get upset or down I really struggle to fight the urge to binge. I get down or upset and I turned to food--any food.  Just the act of eating something helped numb whatever pain I was feeling. I would then turn the guilt for binging back on myself, telling myself I was a failure and fat and worthless. It was a never ending cycle.I know I could have easily become a bulimic but  I could never make myself throw up. 
    I think I used the weight to build a wall around myself to protect myself from being hurt. The uglier and fatter I was no one would want to touch me. It didn't quite work that way though. At 13 I started seeing an older guy that lived in my neighborhood. He was 18 and when he started to show interest in me I realized how much I wanted someone to like me. I found myself in a situation I could not get myself out of and I was not physically or mentally strong enough to stop him. I gave in and remember being so scared. He would have been deaf and blind not to know I was not wanting to, but he didn't care about that and after that I didn't care about it either. I started caring less and less about how I felt about myself and worried more about what others thought of me. I wanted so badly for someone to love me because I couldn't love myself. I would start seeing a guy (and definitely not the right kind of guys---unfortunately most of them were quite a bit older than me and either already out of school or had dropped out and really were only interested in one thing). But I could only go so far and they would leave because they considered me to be a tease. That would in turn make me turn to more food and beating myself up about not being good enough for anyone to love. Thinking about it now, I guess during that time I did have a little self worth left albeit not much. If not I probably wouldn't have stopped them and just did anything they wanted to.
   I had friends in high school but only a couple close friends. I wasn't one that went to a lot of social events. I wanted to blend in and not be noticed. Any confidence I had was tied into my school work. I studied constantly and was a perfectionist. I was not satisfied with anything less than an A. I guess it was the one thing I had control over and something I excelled at. I graduated 3rd in my class and had high hopes for a new start at Butler. I excelled at Butler too, made the Dean's list and got involved in a bunch of different organizations--even leading a few of them. I didn't do much of the whole frat party thing as I was too self-conscious and felt out of place.  Joining a sorority was definitely out of the question. I think I was relatively content at Butler. I did have a lot of fun and met some great people. Met my best friends Jenn and Frances and have some great memories of college. Then I met Saeed.  He was a foreign student from the United Arab Emirates who moved in down the hall from me. We started seeing each other, but it quickly turned into a bad situation. Perhaps it was his culture, my fear of men and strong desire of wanting *anyone* to love me. I'm not sure and I will never know, I just know that what happened in that short month we were together brought everything back from when I was 9 and 13. It got to the point where I wouldn't put up any fight, just let him hit me and use me. I'm not proud to admit that but at that time I could have cared less about whether I lived or died. If it wasn't for Jenn and Frances, especially Jenn I probably would not have survived. Saeed moved off campus and then I finally broke free. I was a total and complete mess though. I couldn't sleep. I was lucky if I got an hour a night. Jenn and Frances took anything from my room that I might hurt myself with. I don't know if I really would have tried killing myself although I wanted all the pain to end.  I hated myself, I was damaged, and after that time period was when I really remember feeling so worthless and disgusting. How could anyone ever want to be with someone like me? After all, I had let all those things happen to me. I started skipping classes and just didn't give a damn about anything.
     I probably should have taken some time off school but I refused to go home because what happened with Saeed brought up the memories of my grandpa. I couldn't be in the same house that everything had started in.   I can't remember what got me started in counseling. I couldn't say whether it was something I knew I needed to do if I wanted to survive or if Jenn and Frances convinced me to go. I just know I went and they put me on trazadone just so I could get some sleep at night and start dealing with my messed up life. It did help me sleep but I felt drugged or hung over most of the time. I think I went a couple times a week to counseling. It's strange I can remember just about every detail of what happened before counseling but during that time I think I just kind of shut down and became foggy on some things.  Maybe that was my brain's way of letting me work things out. Slowly I started putting the pieces of my life back together. Luckily most of my professors knew what kind of student I had been and worked with me but I did have to drop a couple classes.  I stayed in counseling until she wanted to start talking about my weight and what I felt like was her wanting me to blame my mom.  I stopped going and for the most part after that I was doing okay except I would get flashbacks and have horrible nightmares. I remember all of a sudden I would just be in a trance and I wouldn't know anyone else was around me. I would see, feel, smell, hear Saeed and I would be back in his dorm room. My counselor had taught me enough on dealing with the flashbacks and getting through my days that eventually I was able to know how to stop them when they started. I do feel like I dealt with the fact that I was molested and raped and for the most part have been able to put that behind me. I just hadn't dug deep enough with what those things did to how I felt about myself. And at times I wonder if I have fully forgiven myself for letting what happened lead me to some of the poor choices I made. I had such little self respect. After Saeed I seemed to do the same like I did in high school only this time I didn't have any feelings of self worth left. I didn't care what I did or who I did it with. Definitely not proud of that and even writing it now makes me feel disgusted. But it happened, there is nothing I can do to change that and I know I'm not that person anymore.
     When Tommy and I started seeing each other, he made me forget about the hell I had gone through. I could get through my days without all the pain. Finally I thought I had found someone who truly loved me and I fell for him so fast. I almost lost my best friends over it and I'm so thankful that I didn't.  For the first time in a long time I felt safe and loved.  I honestly do not know how it was possible considering how low things had gotten for me (plus I had Toby halfway through my fourth year), but I graduated from Butler with high honors.  The flashbacks disappeared and for the most part so did the nightmares. I still had nightmares occasionally but for the most part it was behind me. I was a new mom, Tommy and I got married and I focused on trying to be the best wife and mom I could be.  I never really focused on myself, but rather everything I did was for them. Then after Tommy went to prison all my focus went to Toby and trying to give him as normal a life as possible. I never took the time to focus on me nor did I really think much about how little I liked myself. As I've said in one of my first blog posts I was going through the motions. Life was happening to me not the other way around.  
      Once Tommy came home, I thought finally I'll be happy. I put all I had into rebuilding our marriage and our family.   But still didn't put any time into rebuilding myself.  I let Tommy walk all over me throughout our marriage, believing one lie after the other, forgiving him when he cheated and didn't give up on him while he was away.   After I had found the pipe in his shirt pocket almost a year ago now, I just gave up. I stopped trying to keep our marriage together and accepted the fact that partying and whatever else he was doing was always going to be more important than Toby or me.  I couldn't do it anymore, I was miserable and he had disappointed us again. At first maybe calling an end to our marriage was more because I couldn't put Toby through that again. He was 4 when Tommy went away and at the time we separated he was 13. He knew things weren't right and knew I was miserable.  It's a big wake up call when your teenage son keeps asking why I kept giving Tommy chance after chance.   
      When this journey started I knew I had to really look inside myself and be completely honest if I wanted to really change my life. I needed to find myself and believe in myself. I needed to discover that I wasn't just taking up space in this world. I deserved to be here and I deserved to find happiness. I've had a lot of successes in this process but there have been down times too.  In May the nightmares came back more frequently than they had in a long time.  When they would wake me up I felt so terribly alone and thought about giving up trying to lose weight and getting healthy if it meant I was going to be reliving all that again.   I think that was when I really had to dig deep inside myself and tackle how my past had helped create the self-hatred and all those feelings of unworthiness that I had felt for so long. I honestly think that will be a very important part in making this transformation lifelong and not resort to binge eating and gaining the weight back or being a doormat for anyone to stomp their feet on.   Over the past few months I've had different times where I pick apart the past and now I'm connecting the dots. I'm no longer afraid to face the past. When trying to decide whether I was actually going to post this for anyone to see or not and after talking it through with a couple friends, the main thing that was holding me back was not wanting to hurt anyone or wanting anyone to think differently of me. They both helped me realize I have to do what is right for me and I truly think that is not hiding behind what happened anymore or being ashamed.  That's what this entry has been for me---acknowledging what I went through, living with the choices I made and using all of that to move forward and become stronger.  I know I'm not there yet, I still have a long way to go.  I still place too much emphasis on what other people think of me rather than how I feel about myself. I still need to learn to love myself before anyone else can love me the way I deserve to be loved. And like I said in the beginning I still want to someday feel pretty and attractive. But  I'm definitely not the same person I was in high school, college or even a few months ago. I respect myself now and will not compromise what I want out of my life anymore.

Get Fit Wish List

      My life has changed so much the past few months. I feel like I am transforming into a completely different person and am gaining confidence I have never had before.  I am wanting to try things that I always thought would be fun but never thought I would actually consider doing them.  I have always been too scared or thought I was too fat to try.   So I thought it might be fun for me to write a wish list of some of the things that I want to be able to do as I lose weight, from the simplest things like being able to buy something besides lotion at Victoria's Secret to the crazy and daring like sky diving.

My Get Fit Wish List

• Buying clothes without having to shop in the "plus size"
• Wear cute dresses and maybe even high heels
• Being able to buy something at Victoria's Secret
• Learn how to swim
• Take a long country drive on the back of a motorcycle.
• Go horseback riding 
• Rollercoaster rides 
• Bungee Jumping

• Go Hiking--I would love to go to Brown County or Turkey Run during Fall Break this year but so far haven't found anyone who would like to go yet.
• Sounds crazy but I want to ride a mechanical bull, probably would need to have a couple drinks beforehand to actually get on one but I think it would be fun.
• Run a half marathon
• Hot-air balloon ride
• Sky Dive   

• ZIP LINE

       Two or three years ago Toby and I were in a summer "boot camp" at our church. At the end of the summer all the families in the boot camp had a special outing to Camp Yale in Winchester where we could do a rock climbing wall and zip line. I thought it would be so much fun to do but I would not even attempt it. I kept thinking I would break the line. I always regretted not even trying it and now it has become one of my greatest desires. I think stepping off that platform will be a huge leap of faith just like walking through the Anytime Fitness door for the first time was.

      I do not want to let fear hold me back anymore. I've let fear take over so many times in my life. Now that I am getting stronger and more confident I want to explore and try things that are out of my comfort zone.  I am learning how important it is to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to and to keep pushing forward, setting new goals and striving to become happy with who I am.

Mud-Stash 9/8/2012: Challenge Met

     What was I worried about? I was so nervous in the days leading up to Mud-Stash  that I was starting to freak myself out a little wondering what in the world had I gotten myself into. I kept reminding myself to go out there and have fun and try my best, but I admit I was a little (ok, a lot) afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it.  Once we got to Perfect North Slopes and started getting our costumes on  I realized you can't be too freaked out when everyone on your team looks like this: 

Anytime Fitness New Castle Mud Stash Team

Headed to the starting line

And we are off!

I didn't realize how much of the 5K would be uphill. Yes, I know we were at ski slopes but I hadn't thought much about that part, which was probably a good thing since I was already nervous enough.    There were a lot of obstacles throughout the course and they were definitely challenging--some more so than others.  I have to admit though I was shocked at how much I could do, especially the rope ladders and some of the obstacles we had to climb. I never thought I would be able to go up a rope ladder, climb over the log or whatever platform there was and back down the other side. I never would have even attempted it a few months ago. I'd be so concerned about falling or the rope not being able to hold me that I wouldn't want to embarrass myself by trying. But once again I proved to myself that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 
       Did I fall? A lot!  Did I struggle pulling myself up a muddy hill with a rope?  Most definitely! Did I need help to keep from falling or getting up after I fell? Yep!  Did have an absolute blast?   YES!!   I found myself looking forward to what the next obstacle would be and couldn't wait to try it.   My favorites were probably the water slide and lily pads. The only way I could figure to tackle that one was to lie on my stomach and pull myself from one to the next.                                                 

I did every obstacle except for the monkey bars which should have been a lot sooner in the course.  By the time we got to that one I was worn out! I walked around it but next time I will at least try it. There was also this big metal barrel to go up and over and I just could not get my body on it. I almost went around it and said aloud I can't do this one.  I'm learning not to let your trainer hear you say you can't do something because the next thing I know there was this voice telling me I wasn't going around it, I was going to do it. Thanks Kyle for being that
voice when I'm letting my own voice of doubt get in the way.

 The biggest challenge for me at Mud-Stash was one of the last obstacles.  It was basically this huge pit of thick mud that someone said was like quicksand. I thought it was like being in cement. And I got stuck like I was in cement.  I got maybe halfway through but as soon as you slow down it gets hard to move through. I was not going anywhere. I didn't have enough strength left in my arms to pull myself over to the side or in my legs to even get them underneath me to stand up.  The whole afternoon I had not been self-conscious or embarrassed at all, except for this one.  I know I wasn't the only one who had gotten stuck, in fact, Dale and Kyle had been helping someone get up and through the pit right before I was stuck there-- like glue. When I realized that I was not going to be going anywhere and it was taking not one, not two but basically four people to help get me out, my insecurity was starting to surface.  I kept thinking about all the people who were around. This was one of the last obstacles so it was right in front of the lodge where spectators were watching along with everyone who was finished already. I felt like I was fighting back tears because it was taking 4 strong men to get my fat butt up and out of the mud. I struggled to get those thoughts out of my head. They eventually
got me up standing and moving again. I didn't have much energy left so I climbed over the side and walked through the much thinner watery side that was where we had first started rather than finish my way through the pit.

      I imagine insecure moments like that will be something I will struggle with for a long time. It's hard to retrain your brain to not be so hard on yourself, but I'm finding those moments to be fewer and farther apart.  I am proud of myself for what I accomplished at Mud-Stash. Others had believed in me that I could do it, I just had to prove it to myself and believe in my own strength.  I have no clue how long it took me to finish the course and honestly I don't care.  It was so much more than that for me. I let myself just have fun and enjoy life for once. Tackling things I never thought I could do is so empowering. I really think I proved to myself this time that I do have the strength and determination to accomplish whatever challenge or goal I set for myself.  Mud-Stash was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done but it was also one of the best. I can already tell that completing Mud-Stash has given me more confidence. When I was working out with Kyle this evening he had me doing that one arm row thing that scared me to death a few weeks ago, only this time I had to squat down and touch the floor with my other hand then pull myself up.  I didn't even think what if I fall nor did I feel any fear.  I already know I will not hesitate to sign up for the next Mud-Stash and whatever else challenge finds me. Who knows, maybe next year I will be one of those helping others out of the cement pit of mud.