Assessment #6: Did I do enough?

     At my last assessment a 12 week goal was set for me--get under 200lbs. That is my next big weight loss milestone and would mean needing to lose 16lbs at my assessment tonight. Sixteen pounds was the least amount I had lost at my other 5 assessments so achieving that was not really far-fetched.  I lost 9lbs and the first thing I said was it isn't 16.  Kyle assured me I had a great assessment, but I admit that nagging voice of insecurity was telling myself I failed and that I wasn't good enough. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have come so far in a short time but I am a little disappointed in myself for not reaching my goal. Did I work hard enough?  Did I let myself slack too much with eating?  Why can't I just be happy for myself for having just lost weight?    I know some people will not understand why I'm disappointed with a 9lb loss. From the look on his face, I'm not even sure Kyle understood since most people would be happy with 9lbs.   But I guess when you have spent years beating yourself up for not being good enough and not being able to love yourself, it's easy to return to that negative self-talk.  Tonight showed me that even though my confidence has grown by leaps and bounds I still have a long way to go to completely accepting myself and being proud of myself in all that I have accomplished especially when I fall short of a goal.
     Usually during my assessments there is not time for a workout, but Kyle had me do the workout of the day which was timing how long it took to do 100 squats with a cling and press using 12.5 lb dumbbells.  Every 2 minutes you stop and do three burpees (burpees are basically jumping down into push up position and jumping back up).  I finished in 8:58 which was pretty good and he said something about at 335 lbs would I have ever thought I'd be able to do a burpee and now I was doing them without much difficulty. He's right. Those are the accomplishments I have been drawing my strength and confidence from-not the numbers on the scale. Before I left the gym tonight I went to the wall of success (or as I like to call it the Loser board) and looked at mine, perhaps as a way to put things back into perspective. 

"Thanks to the staff at ATF and especially my trainer Kyle Watson, I have discovered within myself a sense of strength, self-confidence and determination that I never knew I had. I now have the drive, motivation and belief in myself to keep conquering my goals." 

 I re-read my quote and felt myself tearing up.  113 pounds is a lot to be proud of so why was I once again beating myself up?  (So now I'm beating myself up for beating myself up) So after a hug at the gym and spending the evening talking--actually texting-- to my "support group" (thanks Jae, Stacy, Leah, Aunt Joni, Jill and Charles), I'm realizing I need to focus less on getting under 200 lbs and more on the path that is going to take me there.