FOCUS

    This week has definitely been a difficult one where I have had to face some harsh truths about myself and just how much I have lost ALICIA.  Over the course of this year I completely turned against myself and refused to see the situation I was in earlier this year as anything but me giving away any power, strength and sparkle I had found.  And I have refused to forgive myself for not standing up and fighting for myself. That incident has left me reaching out in all directions for any outside validation I could possibly receive to use as my lifeline to feel happy and whole again.   I won't go into any detail of what happened earlier this week that chipped away enough of that wall that I am finally ready to stop fighting against myself.   I regret that it might have cost me a friend and quite possibly more. It hurts and I hope that isn't the case but only time will tell.   I do not regret however what I have learned this week. I am ready to fight for ALICIA.    I AM WORTH IT DAMMIT!!  Everyone keeps telling me I am but I haven't been able to tell myself that.   I do not want to keep repeating this cycle I am on. I do not want my insecurities, doubts and need for validation to keep consuming me so much that it pushes people away and causes me to lose even more of myself.  I do not want to crumble when faced with disappointments or rejection. I want to know my worth and love myself enough to be able to not feel broken and damaged by my past. I want to have a healthy soul, mind and body so I can be the sparkly bad ass super girl--- no sparkly bad ass ALICIA I strive for. In order to do that I have to dig my heels in and commit to myself so I can forgive myself and heal.

    I know this won't be easy nor will I instantly be "fixed"--(another hurt this week--"shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now).  I may go through multiple ups and downs possibly all in the same day and there might be days where I once again feel so lost that I feel like I am drowning reaching out for a lifeline. However, I will continue to FOCUS.

       I want to try to do a weekly recap on this blog about how my week has been.  Progress, thoughts, some workouts, setbacks, quotes or things that have helped me FOCUS. Maybe what I am going through can also help someone else who feels broken and damaged start becoming whole again.  As I mentioned earlier, this week has been an emotional one but it was made brighter by some unknown person or persons who sent me flowers at work on Monday AND Tuesday. It is an awesome feeling to know that there are people who care about me and try to lift me up when I am struggling.  

        I have also made it to the gym 5 times this week! I've been so inconsistent lately that what was normal before is a rarity now.  Some weeks I may only make it 2 or 3 times. I want to get back into a regular lifting schedule and get back to where I can jog 5Ks with ease.  

            This week's workouts

• Monday: Training session with Megan--Legs  Walk/jog trail 2 miles
• Tuesday: Casual 2 mile walk with friends (with a little running to catch up when Bailey would stop at every pole and tree)
• Wednesday: Back    Deadlift 5 sets: 135x10, 185x8, 205x6, 225 x 3 and 245x1    Tbar rows: started with 95#(7 10#plates and 1 25# plate) do as many rows as possible then drop a plate; Inverted TRX rows 3 sets 10  Walk/jogged 3 miles--finally made it 1/2 mile without stopping!!
• Thursday: Training session with Megan--Upper Body (killed my triceps!)   Walked trail about 2 miles  (was really upset and did a lot of thinking and reflecting)
• Friday: Circuit as many rounds as possible in 15 minutes (completed 4.25 rounds)  5 renegade rows, 10 squat jumps, 15 ball slams, 20 kettlebell swings
• Saturday: Let's work on those buns hun!! Hamstring/Glute workout with Megan (I plan on doing this one a lot! If you try it be sure to SQUEEZE your glutes!  My booty is going to be sore but I was dripping sweat)  50 glute bridges;  5 rounds of 10 reps each (with heavy weight) kettlebell swings (orange KB), plie squats with  red kettlebell, barbell hip thrusters (95#); 50 donkey kicks each leg (your booty will be cramping by this time lol);  50 glute bridges; 1 mile Arc Trainer/Stair Stepper (did most at level 10) 
• Sunday:  Rest (unless I go for a walk or something--writing this on Saturday)

      My nutrition isn't the best right now. I am not tracking calories or macros but am writing down what I am eating. I am not constantly eating though and several nights this week skipped dinner because I didn't feel like eating anything.  Honestly right now I'm not worrying as much about my nutrition. I know I need to be more mindful and make healthier choices but I have a tendency to try to change everything at once then get overwhelmed and stressed. Getting consistent with my workouts and gaining inner strength is my primary focus and may be all I can handle at the present time.  Once I do get stronger (inside and out) then I will tackle the food again. For now I'm just going to try to be more conscious about my choices. I have already prepped my breakfasts for next week.... I haven't done that in a long time and have been getting in the habit of getting biscuits, sausage, french toast or pancakes in the cafeteria at work. I had also been having some donuts but I don't think I will be touching those for a while.....having 2 a couple weeks ago cost 75 burpees of various difficulties--it was supposed to be 100 but she had mercy on me when I still had more to go when my session was over.  I was actually dry heaving a little.  Right now the sight of donuts makes me want to hurl.  Mission accomplished. 

      I feel like I have begun to find my FOCUS and for the first time in a while feel a little stronger. I am ready to tackle the week ahead and know I will get through the trying times.  Most of all I know I am taking those steps needed to SPARKLE.