Path to Self Discovery

       Self-compassion....Self worthiness....Self belief....Self confidence....Self Esteem....Self Discovery....One thing these all have in common is SELF.   It all begins inside yourSELF.  Not someone else....Logically I know this but for some reason I don't trust or believe in my SELF without approval from others that I am ENOUGH.  However I am starting to see that NOT believing in myself or feeling worthy of like I am enough might very well be my comfort zone.    Perhaps my insecurities are my shield...my protector from disappointment or hurt.  Funny thing is, it doesn't protect me from disappointment or hurt.   This shield I have put around myself of not being enough lets me down every time and is holding me back from who I want to be.  It is what is causing me to constantly and impatiently seek that outside approval so much so that it pushes people away when that is the last thing I want to do. But it is what I have felt for years so it is what I know and am comfortable with no matter how self destructive it might be.  I want to be that sparkly bad ass super girl who stands strong and confident with her cape flapping in the wind no matter what obstacle comes her way.  The phoenix who rises up from the ashes every time she falls. The fighter that doesn't crumble when hit but hits back.  In order to be that person I need to discover myself and look within myself for that approval I so desperately seek from others. The fact that I am the one who needs to make me feel like I am enough isn't anything I've not known or been told many many times.  One of the first things Kyle had told me oh so long ago was no one will love me the way I deserve to be loved until I can love myself. He is right and I was close to truly loving myself but I think where I have gone amiss in the past is that I expect...no demand...that I be all those things perfectly instead of being perfectly imperfect. If I do not do exactly what I think I should be doing I fall.
        Although I know writing helps me work through the rough times, it can be extremely difficult to dig down deep below the surface...to get out of that negative comfort zone...and uncover the why and how I feel like I do. I need to open myself up to a new way of thinking.   But like with any change, changing the way I think brings with it fears of failing, making mistakes, disappointing others, fear that I won't see progress, that I won't sparkle.  As long as I am avoiding digging deeper I am going to continue this same cycle and stunt any learning and growing I need to uncover that path to self discovery. When I first started this journey to find my sparkle I did so by being completely open and public about my journey and it was a huge part of the successes and milestones I reached plus helped others on their journeys. Maybe I need to go back to that. Use this blog as my online journal to discovering my self worth--getting and keeping--my sparkle.

I have referred to this manifesto many times but am still on the path to discovering and believing what it really means to me.  As part of my counseling I have been attempting to read The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of Who You Think You're Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown. I say attempting because even though I know it is helpful the times I need to read most I have a hard time doing so. Part of the chapter I read tonight says "to overcome...we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgement and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self compassion."   Acknowledge--not ignore or hide. Acknowledge--not be perfect. There was a reference to Dr. Kristin Neff's website www.self-compassion.org that I think anyone who has difficulty loving or accepting themselves might want to check out.  On the site there is a self-compassion test that measures on a scale of 1 to 5 the elements of self compassion and areas that might get in the way.The site also gives exercises and practices to overcome the obstacles we create within ourselves.
 
My self compassion test scores:

Self-Kindness: 2.40
Self-Judgment: 4.80
Common Humanity: 2.00
Isolation: 3.00
Mindfulness: 2.75
Over-Identification: 4.75

Overall score: 2.10

Considering my self judgement and over identification (getting consumed by thoughts, worries, bad things that happen or you think will happen--in short making a mountain out of a molehill) are pretty near a 5 confirms what many already know about me--I am way too hard on myself and overthink way too much. So that is where I should start digging a little deeper.  And accept the fact that although I will surely make mistakes and stumble along the way that does not mean I am not a sparkly bad ass super girl. I have to learn that strong, worthy and enough does not mean I have to be perfect.  It means I am a warrior, a fighter, and on a constant journey for self improvement and self discovery.  The only way I am going to be able to achieve self love, self worth and finally feel like I am enough just as I imperfectly am is to put down the shield of insecurity and fears, find my cape, put on my boxing gloves and spread my wings.