Overwhelmed.....feel like I'm drowning.....this weight crushing down on me......stressed...don't know where to start, what to do first.....not enough time in the day....emotional....on the verge of tears. These are all things I have said over and over the past couple of weeks. When I start feeling like this is when controlling what I eat gets the hardest. For several weeks I have stuck to a "clean" eating plan and was doing really well with it. But as life's stresses started mounting up again my resolve to clean eating kept getting weaker and weaker. I turned to my old crutch...ice cream. I could hear that little voice in my head telling myself one spoonful won't hurt. It probably wouldn't hurt much unless one turned into two then three and so on--which it did. Then that evil little voice says "you've already screwed up so get something else. You'll get back on track tomorrow." So that's what I did. Then I got mad at myself for being weak. It's a vicious cycle and just when i think I've broken free, it smacks me right in the face again. I know I will always struggle with my relationship with food. I talked to my trainer, Megan and she told me I have to find a way to stop letting food have power over me. She is right. I know I need to learn how to view food as fuel my body needs not as an indulgence or source of comfort, but how do I do that? I've struggled with food issues all my life and I know some may not be able to understand why or how foods like ice cream can fill that painful emptiness or bring a sense of calm and peace during those stressful time like now. However, I am sure there are many of you who are reading this who know exactly what I mean. I went on the worst binge I've done in a long time a couple of nights ago plus skipped a couple of workouts. It has made me realize just how easily it would be to revert to my old habits if I were to give in to the stress and uneasiness that I am feeling. There is something that is different this time though... I refuse to go back to the old me. I'm just having a hard time sorting through all that is on my mind.
During my weekly session with Kyle last Friday we had another what I call "therapy session" where we end up talking about why I'm struggling and what I'm going to do about it rather than working out. He brought up a few things that have really made me think this week--like should I just maintain my weight right now until I can work out some of the stressful situations I am facing. But everyone has stress in their lives and it doesn't go away. There will always be something in our lives that causes worry, stress, fatigue, pressure and all the other things that pushes us away from what we are trying to achieve. I'm not going to use stress as an excuse to not reach my goals. However I do think I need to concentrate on some things other than the number on the scale.
Right now maybe I should just focus on getting past my fears of driving. It's embarrassing and I hate to admit it but, I'm 37 years old and have never had my drivers license and to make matters worse I will more than likely be getting mine close to the same time that my son does. I have held a permit before but always let it expire. I cannot even begin to explain my irrational fear of driving other than knowing I have let fear hold me back from so many things in my life. I do not know why when I'd get behind the wheel I would feel this immobilizing sense of fear and panic, but I did. Perhaps it was just lack of self confidence and believing in myself. I've gained a lot of confidence on this journey and finally feel like I am ready to tackle this obstacle. Kyle took me to get my permit the beginning of April and even though it was just a written test I was scared and extremely nervous. Crazy, I know! It was another week before I'd even get behind the wheel other than sitting in the driveway and putting the van in the garage (which is a feat in and of itself because of another source of stress--it's a really tight fit in the garage because of all the "stuff" in there that needs to be gone through and gotten rid of). But I have gotten in over 10 of the 50 hours I have to log before I can get my license. I'm still scared to death and have to give myself a mental pep talk every single time I drive but I'm doing it and it is getting a little easier. I even braved 70 coming home from Greenfield Friday night.
Then Saturday I drove to my aunt's new place in Rushville and on the way back my mom wanted to stop at the cemetery where my grandparents are buried. I don't really remember the last time I had been there. It brings back painful memories and this time was no different. It was so strange because the night before my grandpa was another thing that Kyle and I talked about...Have I truly dealt with what happened like I thought I had? I still turn to ice cream for comfort but shouldn't that be something that utterly disgusts me because of how that became my go to source for comfort? I went through counseling in college and at that time pretty well went through almost every detail of what I faced that summer and the abusive relationship and bad situations I let myself get into as a teenager. The fact that it I'm reluctant to talk to a counselor now about it does make me question whether I really did deal with it, but I do not think I want to reopen those wounds and go back through the details. I had another "therapy session" this week with Megan this time and we talked quite a bit about the past and how it was holding me back. I am a lot stronger now and someday I might have to address it on a deeper level but I don't want it to drag me down or have the nightmares or flashbacks come back on a regular basis. I do not want to be afraid of my own shadow again or have my skin crawl whenever someone touches me. Last night was the first night in quite a while since I'd had a nightmare and wasn't able to sleep afterwards. I know it happened because of the way I've been feeling this week and that does prove I've not fully dealt with it. I'm not going to let the past control me though.
So how am I going to overcome this challenge? I'm going to take a step back and spend the next few days really looking at what I want to focus on for right now. I want to come up with a plan to tackle the areas causing me the most stress and ones I can control right now: finances, work, house and my relationship with food. I still want to lose weight but I do think I need to find some balance in the other areas of my life so that I feel in control and not so overwhelmed. I need to give myself a little slack and remind myself how far I have come. I've lost 140lbs and conquered so much. I may not have completely conquered my past but for now I need to leave it in the past. I know someday I will have to reopen that chapter of my life for my journey to be complete, but for now I think if I can get the other areas under control, the stress will ease and the thoughts and nightmares that flare up at times will disintegrate. I am a fighter and a survivor and these challenges will only continue to make me stronger.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
I Have Arrived!!
Almost three weeks ago I started the "clean" eating plan Kyle gave me to try to get my mind and focus back on my goals. I had been struggling with my eating and was beating myself up for gaining 3 pounds. I was now at 208lbs, 38% body fat and BMI was 32.6. OnEderland was a little further away which was discouraging, however it sparked me enough to get back on board. I promised to strictly follow the plan and I did (well except for last weekend, I had cut up a pineapple for Toby and had some of that. I'd already had my fruit for the day so more fruit wasn't allowed--BUT at least it wasn't a piece of Pizza King pizza or Lee's Famous Recipe chicken that keeps magically appearing at my house. The plan really wasn't too hard to stick to, in fact I feel like I've been eating constantly and have been able to mix it up enough with different spices that it hasn't gotten boring for me.
During this three week time my training and working out has also changed. Kyle moved on to the new Anytime Fitness in Greenfield and Megan Malloy stepped in as my New Castle trainer. I admit when I first found out in January (on my birthday) that he was leaving I was devastated. I probably cried for 2 days. He had helped me so much I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. That I didn't have enough inner strength to keep pushing myself. It took me a while to realize I HAD been doing it on my own--of course with help and guidance from him and others, but it has been ME who has literally been sweating my ass off in the gym, controlling what goes into my mouth and sorting through all the emotional baggage that had collected for 37 years. Change is difficult but I am excited now to be working with Megan as my trainer and thanks to my friend and fellow workout beast Debbie, I will also be able to go to Greenfield to workout with Kyle once a week. I've also added a zumba class into the mix, will be starting up again with 5Ks (first one this year will be next weekend to benefit Special Olympics) and hope to start boxing soon. I definitely want to keep weightlifting which I absolutely love but it is going to be fun mixing things up. I've really liked my 2 training sessions with Megan this week and know she will be a great person to have on my journey with me!
I met with Kyle in Greenfield for my assessment and to see if the past 3 weeks of clean eating were successful. I had already decided if I wasn't under 200lbs this time then he was going to be weighing me weekly until I was, but I felt really good about this weigh in. So I closed my eyes and stepped on the scale.........
I've reached so many milestones in the year and one week since I started
my journey. And the milestones and breakthroughs will continue as I
start the next chapter of my journey. All the sacrifices, tears and low
points have all had to happen for one reason--to help get me to where I
am now. While working
out a couple of weeks ago I
looked at my reflection which is something I had always avoided. I
really looked at the new me and truly
saw how much I have changed. I saw a curvy, beautiful, healthy, and
strong woman. No longer did I see an ugly and worthless fat girl full of
fear and insecurity looking back at
me. That girl is gone, never to return. This is the new, improved and SPARKLY me and nothing is going to hold me back now. I have arrived and this girl is on fire!
During this three week time my training and working out has also changed. Kyle moved on to the new Anytime Fitness in Greenfield and Megan Malloy stepped in as my New Castle trainer. I admit when I first found out in January (on my birthday) that he was leaving I was devastated. I probably cried for 2 days. He had helped me so much I was scared I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. That I didn't have enough inner strength to keep pushing myself. It took me a while to realize I HAD been doing it on my own--of course with help and guidance from him and others, but it has been ME who has literally been sweating my ass off in the gym, controlling what goes into my mouth and sorting through all the emotional baggage that had collected for 37 years. Change is difficult but I am excited now to be working with Megan as my trainer and thanks to my friend and fellow workout beast Debbie, I will also be able to go to Greenfield to workout with Kyle once a week. I've also added a zumba class into the mix, will be starting up again with 5Ks (first one this year will be next weekend to benefit Special Olympics) and hope to start boxing soon. I definitely want to keep weightlifting which I absolutely love but it is going to be fun mixing things up. I've really liked my 2 training sessions with Megan this week and know she will be a great person to have on my journey with me!
I met with Kyle in Greenfield for my assessment and to see if the past 3 weeks of clean eating were successful. I had already decided if I wasn't under 200lbs this time then he was going to be weighing me weekly until I was, but I felt really good about this weigh in. So I closed my eyes and stepped on the scale.........
WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!! I DID IT!! I MADE IT TO ONEDERLAND!!
I'm at 199.2 with 36% body fat, BMI of 31.2 and down another 4.75inches!!! In 3 weeks I lost 9lbs and 2% body fat! And to top it all off this girl did a 5:12 minute plank! I remember when I could barely hold a plank for 20-30 seconds. Of course anyone who knows me knows I got teary eyed and shaky but if I cried it would have been from pure joy. I don't even remember the last time I was under 200lbs--probably 5th or 6th grade. Let me digress for a second--fifth grade was tough, I would cry every day as soon as I got home because of being made fun of by kids in my class because of my weight. Oh if they could only see me now! I don't think I have stopped smiling since seeing that magic number. I feel so proud of myself and feel like I'm ready to take on the world. I FEEL EMPOWERED!!!!  |
| Feeling like Wonder Woman!! |
 | |
| I think it's safe to say that this was a great and proud moment for us both! |
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Time To Clean My Plate
The last 3 weeks I have been so down on Mondays and Tuesdays because of the horrible weekend eating pitfall I wrote about last weekend. I'm digging myself out of that pit and I can say without a doubt I will not be beating myself up the beginning of this week. When I met with Kyle for my training session on Monday he did look at my food journal and he also weighed me. I was up 3 pounds which needless to say really made me angry with myself. Instead of picking myself up, brushing off and taking the next step, that kick her when she's down mentality came into play and boy did I kick myself hard. Why do I get so close to a goal or milestone and do something to screw it up or make it harder? I want to get under 200 lbs and enter onderland but I was sabotaging myself--starting to take steps backward instead of forward. I felt I was not only letting myself down but my trainer and everyone else who has been supporting me. I started feeling worse when Kyle gave me a "clean" meal plan to follow for the next 3 weeks (more about that in a few minutes). He wanted me to strictly follow it for 3 weeks until it was time for my next assessment. It had been a long time since I had that feeling of just wanting to get out of the gym so I could break down into tears. I remember one of my first sessions with Kyle to go over my workout plan, after he had shown me what I was to do he had asked if I was going to stay and do the workout that evening. I flat out lied--I said I didn't have time I had to be somewhere.....what really was happening? I didn't want to burst out into tears in front of him because I didn't think I could do this and was wondering what in the hell had I gotten myself into. I was going to fail. That was how I felt this past Monday night when he gave me the new food plan. After he went over the plan he wanted to go ahead and get a training session in but he knew I wasn't in the right mindset. so he told me to go do 10 minutes cardio then come back. I went to the movie room where I could run on the treadmill in the dark, kick myself a little harder and let the tears flow.
Ten minutes later I went to find Kyle to finish my session. I figured we would do weights like we normally did. Mondays are chest, shoulder and tricep day but instead I followed him outside behind the gym as he brought the tire out for me to pull. Here's a little background about me and the tire---Shortly after I had started working with him he had me pull the tire for the first time. It was slow walking the 1/4 mile around the building, arms through yellow straps attached to the tire by this long heavy chain. I remember having to pretty much stop at every corner of the building to rest and catch my breath. No matter how long it took me or how self conscious I was about being 300+ lbs out in public where people were going in and out of the nearby stores, when I was done I felt so proud. It was one of the first times I felt strong, so I guess you could say the tire has had special meaning to me on my journey. I would even ask on different occasions if I could pull the tire during a session. It was fitting that he brought it out now almost a year later to help get my mind back where it needed to be....focused on my goals and what actions I needed to take to get me there and not to dwell on the missteps along the way. Only this time I wasn't going to drag it around the building walking....I had to jog while pulling it along behind me. Every time I started to stop he was there telling me not to stop, to keep going. After I got all the way around to where I had started, I couldn't breathe. Yes I was physically tired but I think mostly it was purely emotional. No matter how weak or angry at myself I had felt beforehand, I accomplished the task set before me. I needed that reminder that I am strong and determined. So if I can be strong and determined in my workouts then I can be strong and determined with my nutrition as well. I struggle with emotional eating...hell I struggle with food in general. It was my crutch and comfort for so many years and realistically is probably something I will deal with the rest of my life. But I am strong enough to keep going forward. I will reach my onderland goal and am planning on meeting that goal in 2 more weeks. I just have to keep reminding myself of all those woo-hoo moments and victories I have felt in the past year. Those moments far outweigh the tough times. I'm not going to let myself go back to the old me. I like the SPARKLY me too much to let that happen.
Now on to the actual food plan. It's a lot "cleaner" than how I had been eating even before slipping up the past few weeks. I had great success with what I had been doing for much of the past year, but like Kyle told me many times there would come a time that I would have to change it up and eat clean if I wanted to continue to keep on the pace I was on towards my goal weight and fat percentage. That time is now and I am committed to following this for as long as it takes.
My "clean" plate plan via Kyle Watson:
I think following this plan for the next two weeks will get me to onderland. And I can see myself following it longer term. I'm focused on eating cleaner and working out harder. I want this....I want it bad...and I'm going to get there.
Ten minutes later I went to find Kyle to finish my session. I figured we would do weights like we normally did. Mondays are chest, shoulder and tricep day but instead I followed him outside behind the gym as he brought the tire out for me to pull. Here's a little background about me and the tire---Shortly after I had started working with him he had me pull the tire for the first time. It was slow walking the 1/4 mile around the building, arms through yellow straps attached to the tire by this long heavy chain. I remember having to pretty much stop at every corner of the building to rest and catch my breath. No matter how long it took me or how self conscious I was about being 300+ lbs out in public where people were going in and out of the nearby stores, when I was done I felt so proud. It was one of the first times I felt strong, so I guess you could say the tire has had special meaning to me on my journey. I would even ask on different occasions if I could pull the tire during a session. It was fitting that he brought it out now almost a year later to help get my mind back where it needed to be....focused on my goals and what actions I needed to take to get me there and not to dwell on the missteps along the way. Only this time I wasn't going to drag it around the building walking....I had to jog while pulling it along behind me. Every time I started to stop he was there telling me not to stop, to keep going. After I got all the way around to where I had started, I couldn't breathe. Yes I was physically tired but I think mostly it was purely emotional. No matter how weak or angry at myself I had felt beforehand, I accomplished the task set before me. I needed that reminder that I am strong and determined. So if I can be strong and determined in my workouts then I can be strong and determined with my nutrition as well. I struggle with emotional eating...hell I struggle with food in general. It was my crutch and comfort for so many years and realistically is probably something I will deal with the rest of my life. But I am strong enough to keep going forward. I will reach my onderland goal and am planning on meeting that goal in 2 more weeks. I just have to keep reminding myself of all those woo-hoo moments and victories I have felt in the past year. Those moments far outweigh the tough times. I'm not going to let myself go back to the old me. I like the SPARKLY me too much to let that happen.
Now on to the actual food plan. It's a lot "cleaner" than how I had been eating even before slipping up the past few weeks. I had great success with what I had been doing for much of the past year, but like Kyle told me many times there would come a time that I would have to change it up and eat clean if I wanted to continue to keep on the pace I was on towards my goal weight and fat percentage. That time is now and I am committed to following this for as long as it takes.
My "clean" plate plan via Kyle Watson:
Breakfast: 2 egg whites, 1 egg, 2 oz Canadian bacon and 1/2 c plain oatmeal (can add cinnamon and/or splenda but can't use the packets or put fruit in like I normally do).The daily calories this past week have ranged from 1420-1525 with protein in the 42%-45% range, carbs 35%-40% and fats 17%-20%. I have probably asked Kyle 20 or more questions about this since I started so here's a quick run down of do's and don'ts. With this plan I can: make substitutions from an approved list, I can pick any kind of fruit, if I don't work out then the post workout meal becomes a pre-bed meal, tuna pouches are okay (I had to check to make sure the ingredients were the same and they were so I'm sticking to my no drain pouches), can use hot sauce, spices and onion. Now for the don'ts: the hardest---NO DAIRY---my love for Greek yogurt is a no-no right now, no bread or pasta, cannot use EVOO or Pam, no eating out including the cafeteria at work and my weekend diet cherry vanilla coke is an absolute don't. After following this for almost a week I am pleasantly surprised that I like it. I have been able to change up lunch and dinner trying different combinations and using a bunch of different spices. I have felt full and even a couple days felt stuffed and had to force myself to eat everything. I'm not eating any more calories than what I had been but eating like this has kept me fuller longer. Meal planning is a lot easier. I spent time this weekend grilling chicken, cooking ground beef and turkey, boiling eggs and measuring out portions of oatmeal and protein powder. I have not strayed at all. I even took my own food to a friend's house where a group of us were meeting for dinner. They had baked pasta, garlic cheese bread, salad (my contribution), cookies and brownies...I had my rice, grilled chicken and salad. And I was okay with it--I was focused on spending time with my friends and not on what food I was missing out on.
Lunch: 3-5 oz lean protein (boneless/skinless chicken breast, fish, extra lean ground beef or turkey, etc)
1/2 c rice
1 1/2 c salad (I use spring salad mix, cucumbers, grape tomatoes and 2 tbsp fat free Italian dressing)
Meal #3: can of tuna
Post Workout Meal: 2 scoops protein powder with water, piece of fruit
Dinner: 5 oz lean protein
1 medium baked potato (can use white or sweet potato)
1 c of green beans, broccoli, asparagus, carrots or squash
I think following this plan for the next two weeks will get me to onderland. And I can see myself following it longer term. I'm focused on eating cleaner and working out harder. I want this....I want it bad...and I'm going to get there.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Weekend Eating Pitfall
The past three weekends I have really struggled with my eating on the weekends. It started with a binge I went on which resulted in me feeling guilty and beating myself up like I too often do. The following weekend I didn't binge but still didn't eat right. The first part of this week I was extremely down--feeling like a failure and for some reason feeling really vulnerable. All those feelings of fear and insecurity kept creeping back in (will write more about that in another post). I've been as open and honest as I can be throughout my journey but admit I am getting lax about writing everything down that I eat
(primarily on the weekends). I want to reach my goals and want to be in
onederland at my next assessment but if I keep slipping up on my eating
habits then that isn't going to help me get to where I want to be. So as this weekend got closer I was getting a little leery about how I would do. I talked to Kyle about it and he is going to look at my food journal on Monday but also he wanted me to post my food journal. First thought was ummm.....NO, but here I am getting ready to post it. All along one of the key things that has helped me lose 130lbs is accountability. So for the next 4 weekends I am going to record everything I eat and drink and post it on here where anyone who wants to can see. SCARY!! I just wish I had made up my mind I was going to post it before I ate like crap this weekend! But I guess that's the whole point. So here goes nothing:
First a little explanation of my schedule this weekend. I attended a scrapbooking event from Friday 7pm-midnight and Saturday 9am-midnight. Our table was in the kitchen and surrounded by snacks so the majority of the weekend I was in the Biggest Loser temptation room. But I know it's up to me what goes into my mouth and what stays out. I just didn't do that great with keeping stuff out.
And I might as well put in that my daily nutrition goals are 1500 cal, 40% protein, 40% carbs, 20% fats and drink128 oz water
Friday, March 8
Breakfast (6:15am): 1 egg, 1 slice bacon, 1 slice reduced fat pepper jack cheese, hot chocolate (my hot chocolate is 8oz skim milk with 3 spoonfuls chocolate and 1 spoonful vanilla protein powder)
Lunch (11:50am): (Pitch in at work for co-worker): 14 baked scoops, about 1/4 c each black bean and corn salsa and mexican dip, small piece mexican crescent roll ring (about 1/2 crescent roll with ground beef, taco seasoning and shredded cheese), 8 grapes
Snack (3pm): 13 Special K Southwestern ranch crackers with 1 100 cal tuna salad pouch
Dinner (8pm): 1 slice Papa John's pepperoni pizza, salad with fat free Italian dressing, 8 cheddar cheese mini rice cakes, 44oz Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke, 2 chocolate chip walnut cookies,
Snack (throughout the rest of the evening): 1 slice Papa John's pepperoni pizza, split small piece of yellow cake (approx 1"x2") with lemon icing with Stacy. 2 mini kit kats
Total calories: 2005
Protein 21.2%, Carbs 44.3% Fats 34.5% water 128 oz
Saturday, March 9
Breakfast (9:20am): light strawberry greek yogurt with 1/4 c fruit and nut trail mix (I didn't touch the Jacks donuts that were brought in)
Lunch (1:30pm): 2 slices turkey and 2 slices ham on 2 slices wheat bread with swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato and mustard, about 2 tbsp chicken salad, tostitos, brownie
Dinner (7pm): 1 c chili w/oyster crackers, brownie, 44 oz Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke
Snacks (throughout the day: hopefully I didn't miss anything but I did a lot of grazing): small piece cake, probably about 1 to 1/2 cup tex mex chex mix, 5 mini kit kat bars, brownie, about 1 oz cheese and 6 crackers
Total calories: 2244
Protein 17.3%, Carbs 52.6% Fat 30.1% water 96 oz
Sunday, March 10
Breakfast (11am): Fiber plus mixed nut protein bar, apple (slept until after 10:30 and was needing something quick before heading to the gym)
Snack (1pm): 1/4 cup trail mix
Lunch (3pm): flatbread pizza, 44 oz Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke
Dinner (8pm): 6oz Tyson grilled and ready chicken breast on 2 sl 35 cal wheat bread with 1 slice reduced fat pepper jack cheese and plain greek yogurt instead of mayo, mixed green salad with cucumber, tomato, sprinkle of shredded cheese and turkey bacon bits, 2 tbsp fat free zesty Italian dressing
Snack (10pm): was getting Toby a bowl of strawberry ice cream and had a spoonful. Wanted more so instead I got a bowl of my frozen Greek yogurt (Yoplait 100 cal lemon greek yogurt with 1 scoop vanilla protein powder)
Total calories: 1423
Protein 33.5%, Carbs 41.4%, Fat 25.1% water 64 oz
There it is: my third weekend of eating like crap. I'm going to try my best not to get down about it or beat myself up. I just need to work harder next weekend to do better. Okay I'm going to hit publish before I chicken out.
First a little explanation of my schedule this weekend. I attended a scrapbooking event from Friday 7pm-midnight and Saturday 9am-midnight. Our table was in the kitchen and surrounded by snacks so the majority of the weekend I was in the Biggest Loser temptation room. But I know it's up to me what goes into my mouth and what stays out. I just didn't do that great with keeping stuff out.
And I might as well put in that my daily nutrition goals are 1500 cal, 40% protein, 40% carbs, 20% fats and drink128 oz water
Friday, March 8
Breakfast (6:15am): 1 egg, 1 slice bacon, 1 slice reduced fat pepper jack cheese, hot chocolate (my hot chocolate is 8oz skim milk with 3 spoonfuls chocolate and 1 spoonful vanilla protein powder)
Lunch (11:50am): (Pitch in at work for co-worker): 14 baked scoops, about 1/4 c each black bean and corn salsa and mexican dip, small piece mexican crescent roll ring (about 1/2 crescent roll with ground beef, taco seasoning and shredded cheese), 8 grapes
Snack (3pm): 13 Special K Southwestern ranch crackers with 1 100 cal tuna salad pouch
Dinner (8pm): 1 slice Papa John's pepperoni pizza, salad with fat free Italian dressing, 8 cheddar cheese mini rice cakes, 44oz Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke, 2 chocolate chip walnut cookies,
Snack (throughout the rest of the evening): 1 slice Papa John's pepperoni pizza, split small piece of yellow cake (approx 1"x2") with lemon icing with Stacy. 2 mini kit kats
Total calories: 2005
Protein 21.2%, Carbs 44.3% Fats 34.5% water 128 oz
Saturday, March 9
Breakfast (9:20am): light strawberry greek yogurt with 1/4 c fruit and nut trail mix (I didn't touch the Jacks donuts that were brought in)
Lunch (1:30pm): 2 slices turkey and 2 slices ham on 2 slices wheat bread with swiss cheese, lettuce, tomato and mustard, about 2 tbsp chicken salad, tostitos, brownie
Dinner (7pm): 1 c chili w/oyster crackers, brownie, 44 oz Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke
Snacks (throughout the day: hopefully I didn't miss anything but I did a lot of grazing): small piece cake, probably about 1 to 1/2 cup tex mex chex mix, 5 mini kit kat bars, brownie, about 1 oz cheese and 6 crackers
Total calories: 2244
Protein 17.3%, Carbs 52.6% Fat 30.1% water 96 oz
Sunday, March 10
Breakfast (11am): Fiber plus mixed nut protein bar, apple (slept until after 10:30 and was needing something quick before heading to the gym)
Snack (1pm): 1/4 cup trail mix
Lunch (3pm): flatbread pizza, 44 oz Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke
Dinner (8pm): 6oz Tyson grilled and ready chicken breast on 2 sl 35 cal wheat bread with 1 slice reduced fat pepper jack cheese and plain greek yogurt instead of mayo, mixed green salad with cucumber, tomato, sprinkle of shredded cheese and turkey bacon bits, 2 tbsp fat free zesty Italian dressing
Snack (10pm): was getting Toby a bowl of strawberry ice cream and had a spoonful. Wanted more so instead I got a bowl of my frozen Greek yogurt (Yoplait 100 cal lemon greek yogurt with 1 scoop vanilla protein powder)
Total calories: 1423
Protein 33.5%, Carbs 41.4%, Fat 25.1% water 64 oz
There it is: my third weekend of eating like crap. I'm going to try my best not to get down about it or beat myself up. I just need to work harder next weekend to do better. Okay I'm going to hit publish before I chicken out.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Assessment 2/18/13: One way ticket to Onederland
I'm not to Onederland yet, but I'm not upset with myself for that. In fact, I'm pretty happy about my 6 week assessment. I lost another 9lbs to bring my total lost to 130lbs and 4 inches for a total of 66 inches. I've lost a 5'6" person at a normal weight. Wow!! I haven't been 205lbs since God knows when and last weekend I bought my first ever size 14 jeans. Even in elementary school I think I went from kids clothes to an 18. I have visible muscles that aren't hidden under fat. I may not be losing double digits at every weigh-in now (the last 3 have been 9-8-9 respectively) but I'm still seeing great results. How can I be upset about not making it under 200lbs? I will get there. It may not have been this time, who knows it may not be within the next 6 weeks but I will reach Onederland. As long as I can keep focused and keep pushing myself in my workouts and controlling my diet I will reach my goals.
That's the challenge I'm facing right now--my diet. I have struggled the past 24 hours with food. I've written before about how I used to binge on food. I haven't gone on an all out binge since I started this journey a year ago. I have splurged and treated myself but hadn't been on an uncontrollable binge like I used to regularly do. I'm binging again--last night and today. I don't understand why because I wasn't feeling upset or down. Nothing happened to make me turn to food for comfort like I had in the past so I cannot blame emotional eating. I know I should write everything down that I have consumed and figure out the calories, but honestly I don't even know how much or what all I did eat. That's the scary thing---I just kept eating. Am I getting so close to a milestone that I'm sabotaging myself? Am I scared to cross that threshold? I quickly lost control and already am feeling like I'm disappointing not only myself but everyone who has believed in me and helped me get to where I am.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Stepping outside my comfort zone
"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you are feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending"--Neale Donald Walsch
This past year stepping out of my comfort zone has become a regular occurrence. Each time has begun with fear and nerves but then as I realize I can do whatever challenge it is I gain just a little more self-confidence. Yesterday was one of those challenges. A couple months ago, Kyle told me he wanted me to hold a seminar to talk with others about how I eat and what I have done to get the weight off. In fact he made that one of my goals for the month of November. The first thing that ran through my mind was pure fear--public speaking is WAY outside my comfort zone. I write much better than I speak, but I hesitantly agreed to give it a shot on one condition---he be there too. I wanted to wait until after the holidays when more people are focused on goals for the new year. And perhaps a little of wanting to wait was me not having to face the fear right away. I could put it out of my mind for a while and postpone the nerves and fear. So we set Saturday, January 19 for me to hold a "Sparkle Seminar".
As this past week progressed I started getting more nervous. The fear and insecurity was getting stronger. I was surprised anyone would want to come because I've never felt like I ever had anything worthy of sharing with others. Why would anyone want to spend their Saturday morning listening to me? But then when I think about it, a lot of people have been asking me how I've been able to lose over 100 pounds, so why do I doubt that I have anything to offer? That's why I write this blog, to record my journey and hopefully to inspire others to start their own journey. It's important to me to help others reach their goals. I want other people to find that inner confidence and strength that I am discovering. I just need to stop automatically discrediting myself and believe in myself more.
I admit I was amazed at how many people came for the seminar and as more showed up the more anxious I got. Kyle was there for moral support as promised and to step in if needed but shortly after I got started though, it felt natural. I was just up there talking with a group of women who like me struggle with their weight, their self-confidence and insecurities, and just need support and encouragement to take the next step. We ended up talking for 2 hours and by the end there were a lot of ideas shared, questions answered and honestly new connections made. Quite a few want to meet monthly to just talk and share what we've learned over the past 30 days. I had started a facebook group about a week ago called "Sharing Our Sparkle" to create an online community to do the same thing--share our journeys. To think that my Sparkle Seminar created an environment where others feel comfortable enough to want to keep meeting means the world to me. I have talked about how much my support team has helped me on my journey and now to share the sparkle and create support teams for others feels awesome.
I feel like I am finally becoming passionate about life and it's because of all the times in the past year where I have stepped outside my comfort zone and tried the unfamiliar, the uncomfortable and the terrifying. It's true, life does begin at the end of your comfort zone. My first Sparkle Seminar was a success and I can see myself doing more things like that. This dream is starting to form in my mind that I want to become a trainer someday. I want to inspire others to get out of their comfort zones and find the happiness and strength that I have found.
Monday, January 7, 2013
First Assessment of 2013: Starting the year off strong
Twelve weeks ago a goal was set for me to get under 200lbs by this weigh in. I had only lost 9 of the 32 that I needed the first 6 weeks so had 23 more to go. I slacked off throughout the Christmas season--not tracking my food like I should have and definitely splurging more often. My workouts weren't as regular as what they had been so I knew the reality of losing that much was slim. I even broke the no scale rule. I weighed about 1 1/2 weeks ago and was exactly the same that I was at my prior assessment--222lbs. However I made a decision that no matter what, I was not going beat myself up for not doing very well this past 6 weeks nor for not meeting my 12 week goal. I admit I did tell Jenn and Stacy to keep reminding me of that decision if I started to get upset with myself after my weigh in. But I was going to try my hardest to accept the outcome and use that as fuel to tackle the next 6 weeks. So I was a little shocked when the scale showed 214 lbs. I had lost 8lbs for a grand total so far of 121lbs!! I lost almost 1% body fat which now brings me under 40% . I'm close to knocking 20lbs off my BMI from when I first started-- was 52.4 and now 33.5. And I'm down 4 more inches for a total of 62 inches lost. That is over 5 feet! 5 feet! I'm 5'7" which is what 67 inches?!? I guess that explains why my sweatshirt I wear in the evenings is more like a robe now--it hangs down almost to my knees.
I may not have made it under 200lbs this assessment, but I'm okay with that. I did not fail the last 12 weeks. In fact I think the opposite. These past few weeks have been a success--a challenge but a success. I am feeling strong, proud...and empowered. As for this next 6 weeks---I'm going to "one"derland!
I may not have made it under 200lbs this assessment, but I'm okay with that. I did not fail the last 12 weeks. In fact I think the opposite. These past few weeks have been a success--a challenge but a success. I am feeling strong, proud...and empowered. As for this next 6 weeks---I'm going to "one"derland!
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