Overwhelmed.....feel like I'm drowning.....this weight crushing down on me......stressed...don't know where to start, what to do first.....not enough time in the day....emotional....on the verge of tears.   These are all things I have said over and over the past couple of weeks.  When I start feeling like this is when controlling what I eat gets the hardest.  For several weeks I have stuck to a "clean" eating plan and was doing really well with it. But as life's stresses started mounting up again my resolve to clean eating kept getting weaker and weaker.  I turned to my old crutch...ice cream.  I could hear that little voice in my head telling myself one spoonful won't hurt.  It probably wouldn't hurt much unless one turned into two then three and so on--which it did. Then that evil little voice says "you've already screwed up so get something else. You'll get back on track tomorrow."  So that's what I did.  Then I got mad at myself for being weak.  It's a vicious cycle and just when i think I've broken free, it smacks me right in the face again.  I know I will always struggle with my relationship with food.   I talked to my trainer, Megan and she told me I have to find a way to stop letting food have power over me. She is right.  I know I need to learn how to view food as fuel my body needs not as an indulgence or source of comfort, but how do I do that?  I've struggled with food issues all my life and I know some may not be able to understand why or how foods like ice cream can fill that painful emptiness or bring a sense of calm and peace during those stressful time like now. However, I am sure there are many of you who are reading this who know exactly what I mean.  I went on the worst binge I've done in a long time a couple of nights ago plus skipped a couple of workouts. It has made me realize just how easily it would be to revert to my old habits if I were to give in to the stress and uneasiness that I am feeling.  There is something that is different this time though... I refuse to go back to the old me. I'm just having a hard time sorting through all that is on my mind.
         During my weekly session with Kyle last Friday we had another what I call "therapy session" where we end up talking about why I'm struggling and what I'm going to do about it rather than working out.  He brought up a few things that have really made me think this week--like should I just maintain my weight right now until I can work out some of the stressful situations I am facing. But everyone has stress in their lives and it doesn't go away. There will always be something in our lives that causes worry, stress, fatigue, pressure and all the other things that pushes us away from what we are trying to achieve. I'm not going to use stress as an excuse to not reach my goals. However I do think I need to concentrate on some things other than the number on the scale.
         Right now maybe I should just focus on getting past my fears of driving. It's embarrassing and I hate to admit it but, I'm 37 years old and have never had my drivers license and to make matters worse I will more than likely be getting mine close to the same time that my son does.  I have held a permit before but always let it expire.   I cannot even begin to explain my irrational fear of driving other than knowing I have let fear hold me back from so many things in my life.  I do not know why when I'd get behind the wheel I would feel this immobilizing sense of fear and panic, but I did. Perhaps it was just lack of self confidence and believing in myself. I've gained a lot of confidence on this journey and finally feel like I am ready to tackle this obstacle.  Kyle took me to get my permit the beginning of April and even though it was just a written test I was scared and extremely nervous.  Crazy, I know!  It was another week before I'd even get behind the wheel other than sitting in the driveway and putting the van in the garage (which is a feat in and of itself because of another source of stress--it's a really tight fit in the garage because of all the "stuff" in there that needs to be gone through and gotten rid of). But I have gotten in over 10 of the 50 hours I have to log before I can get my license. I'm still scared to death and have to give myself a mental pep talk every single time I drive but I'm doing it and it is getting a little easier. I even braved 70 coming home from Greenfield Friday night.
            Then Saturday I drove to my aunt's new place in Rushville and on the way back my mom wanted to stop at the cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  I don't really remember the last time I had been there. It brings back painful memories and this time was no different.  It was so strange because the night before my grandpa was another thing that Kyle and I talked about...Have I truly dealt with what happened like I thought I had?  I still turn to ice cream for comfort but shouldn't that be something that utterly disgusts me because of how that became my go to source for comfort?  I went through counseling in college and at that time pretty well went through almost every detail of what I faced that summer and the abusive relationship and bad situations I let myself get into as a teenager. The fact that it I'm reluctant to talk to a counselor now about it does make me question whether I really did deal with it, but I do not think I want to reopen those wounds and go back through the details. I had another "therapy session" this week with Megan this time and we talked quite a bit about the past and how it was holding me back.  I am a lot stronger now and someday I might have to address it on a deeper level but I don't want it to drag me down or have the nightmares or flashbacks come back on a regular basis.  I do not want to be afraid of my own shadow again or have my skin crawl whenever someone touches me.  Last night was the first night in quite a while since I'd had a nightmare and wasn't able to sleep afterwards. I know it happened because of the way I've been feeling this week and that does prove I've not fully dealt with it. I'm not going to let the past control me though.
            So how am I going to overcome this challenge?  I'm going to take a step back and spend the next few days really looking at what I want to focus on for right now.  I want to come up with a plan to tackle the areas causing me the most stress and ones I can control right now:  finances, work, house and my relationship with food.  I still want to lose weight but I do think I need to find some balance in the other areas of my life so that I feel in control and not so overwhelmed. I need to give myself a little slack and remind myself how far I have come. I've lost 140lbs and conquered so much. I may not have completely conquered my past but for now I need to leave it in the past. I know someday I will have to reopen that chapter of my life for my journey to be complete, but for now I think if I can get the other areas under control, the stress will ease and the thoughts and nightmares that flare up at times will disintegrate. I am a fighter and a survivor and these challenges will only continue to make me stronger.