Time To Clean My Plate

        The last 3 weeks I have been so down on Mondays and Tuesdays because of the horrible weekend eating pitfall I wrote about last weekend. I'm digging myself out of that pit and I can say without a doubt I will not be beating myself up the beginning of this week. When I met with Kyle for my training session on Monday he did look at my food journal and he also weighed me. I was up 3 pounds which needless to say really made me angry with myself.  Instead of picking myself up, brushing off and taking the next step, that kick her when she's down mentality came into play and boy did I kick myself hard. Why do I get so close to a goal or milestone and do something to screw it up or make it harder? I want to get under 200 lbs and enter onderland but I was sabotaging myself--starting to take steps backward instead of forward. I felt I was not only letting myself down but my trainer and everyone else who has been supporting me.  I started feeling worse when Kyle gave me a "clean" meal plan to follow for the next 3 weeks (more about that in a few minutes). He wanted me to strictly follow it for 3 weeks until it was time for my next assessment. It had been a long time since I had that feeling of just wanting to get out of the gym so I could break down into tears. I remember one of my first sessions with Kyle to go over my workout plan, after he had shown me what I was to do he had asked if I was going to stay and do the workout that evening.  I flat out lied--I said I didn't have time I had to be somewhere.....what really was happening? I didn't want to burst out into tears in front of him because I didn't think I could do this and was wondering what in the hell had I gotten myself into. I was going to fail.  That was how I felt this past Monday night when he gave me the new food plan.  After he went over the plan he wanted to go ahead and get a training session in but he knew I wasn't in the right mindset. so he told me to go do 10 minutes cardio then come back.  I went to the movie room where I could run on the treadmill in the dark, kick myself a little harder and let the tears flow.
      Ten minutes later I went to find Kyle to finish my session. I figured we would do weights like we normally did. Mondays are chest, shoulder and tricep day but instead I followed him outside behind the gym as he brought the tire out for me to pull. Here's a little background about me and the tire---Shortly after I had started working with him he had me pull the tire for the first time. It was slow walking the 1/4 mile around the building, arms through yellow straps attached to the tire by this long heavy chain. I remember having to pretty much stop at every corner of the building to rest and catch my breath.  No matter how long it took me or how self conscious I was about being 300+ lbs out in public where people were going in and out of the nearby stores, when I was done I felt so proud. It was one of the first times I felt strong, so I guess you could say the tire has had special meaning to me on my journey. I would even ask on different occasions if I could pull the tire during a session. It was fitting that he brought it out now almost a year later to help get my mind back where it needed to be....focused on my goals and what actions I needed to take to get me there and not to dwell on the missteps along the way.  Only this time I wasn't going to drag it around the building walking....I had to jog while pulling it along behind me. Every time I started to stop he was there telling me not to stop, to keep going. After I got all the way around to where I had started, I couldn't breathe. Yes I was physically tired but I think mostly it was purely emotional.  No matter how weak or angry at myself I had felt beforehand, I accomplished the task set before me. I needed that reminder that I am strong and determined. So if I can be strong and determined in my workouts then I can be strong and determined with my nutrition as well.  I struggle with emotional eating...hell I struggle with food in general. It was my crutch and comfort for so many years and realistically is probably something I will deal with the rest of my life.  But I am strong enough to keep going forward. I will reach my onderland goal and am planning on meeting that goal in 2 more weeks. I just have to keep reminding myself of all those woo-hoo moments and victories I have felt in the past year. Those moments far outweigh the tough times. I'm not going to let myself go back to the old me. I like the SPARKLY me too much to let that happen.
      Now on to the actual food plan. It's a lot "cleaner" than how I had been eating even before slipping up the past few weeks.  I had great success with what I had been doing for much of the past year, but like Kyle told me many times there would come a time that I would have to change it up and eat clean if I wanted to continue to keep on the pace I was on towards my goal weight and fat percentage. That time is now and I am committed to following this for as long as it takes.

 My "clean" plate plan via Kyle Watson:

Breakfast:  2 egg whites, 1 egg, 2 oz Canadian bacon and 1/2 c plain oatmeal (can add cinnamon and/or splenda but can't use the packets or put fruit in like I normally do).

Lunch:  3-5 oz lean protein (boneless/skinless chicken breast, fish, extra lean ground beef or turkey, etc)
1/2 c rice
1 1/2 c salad (I use spring salad mix, cucumbers, grape tomatoes and 2 tbsp fat free Italian dressing)

Meal #3:  can of tuna

Post Workout Meal: 2 scoops protein powder with water, piece of fruit

Dinner:  5 oz lean protein
1 medium baked potato (can use white or sweet potato)
1 c of green beans, broccoli, asparagus, carrots or squash

  The daily calories this past week have ranged from 1420-1525 with protein in the 42%-45% range, carbs 35%-40% and fats 17%-20%.   I have probably asked Kyle 20 or more questions about this since I started so here's a quick run down of do's and don'ts.   With this plan I can: make substitutions from an approved list, I can pick any kind of fruit, if I don't work out then the post workout meal becomes a pre-bed meal, tuna pouches are okay (I had to check to make sure the ingredients were the same and they were so I'm sticking to my no drain pouches), can use hot sauce, spices and onion.   Now for the don'ts:  the hardest---NO DAIRY---my love for Greek yogurt is a no-no right now, no bread or pasta, cannot use EVOO or Pam, no eating out including the cafeteria at work and my weekend diet cherry vanilla coke is an absolute don't.   After following this for almost a week I am pleasantly surprised that I like it. I have been able to change up lunch and dinner trying different combinations and using a bunch of different spices. I have felt full and even a couple days felt stuffed and had to force myself to eat everything. I'm not eating any more calories than what I had been but eating like this has kept me fuller longer.  Meal planning is a lot easier. I spent time this weekend grilling chicken, cooking ground beef and turkey, boiling eggs and measuring out portions of oatmeal and protein powder.  I have not strayed at all. I even took my own food to a friend's house where a group of us were meeting for dinner. They had baked pasta, garlic cheese bread, salad (my contribution), cookies and brownies...I had my rice, grilled chicken and salad. And I was okay with it--I was focused on spending time with my friends and not on what food I was missing out on. 
       I think following this plan for the next two weeks will get me to onderland. And I can see myself following it longer term.  I'm focused on eating cleaner and working out harder. I want this....I want it bad...and I'm going to get there.