The Power of One Word

      With 2013 right around the corner I've been thinking about all that has occurred this past year. It has been a year of ups and downs, but it is by far one of the best years I have ever experienced. I have grown and transformed so much this year, I feel like an entirely different person.  About this time last year, I was at a really low point in my life--Tommy and I had been separated for almost 2 months and I was so unhappy, alone and in so much emotional pain that I didn't have much hope for 2012. However, like most people I still set new years resolutions: mainly to lose weight (this was an annual one for me).   I had read a daily devotional e-mail http://fcaresources.com/devotional/2011/12/21/just-one-word-part-1 about focusing on a one word theme for the new year.  The author writes:

"It has been my experience that God quickly reveals His plans for the year regarding your one-word. That word (be it a discipline, fruit of the Spirit, character trait, attribute of God or even the name of a person) will brand you for life! Every day, you'll be blessed as you experience God revealing to you powerful truth about your one-word theme. Everywhere you turn, there will be new insights and valuable lessons associated with that word."

       When I read this I thought coming up with a theme word was a great idea and it wasn't hard to figure out what my one word would be:  SPARKLE.  After Tommy had gotten out of prison and we were trying to rebuild our marriage, my friend Linda had told me several times that I had lost my sparkle. She could see I wasn't happy and that my life seemed to be unraveling.   I'm not sure why it affected me as much as it did but I have never forgotten her words and am so thankful for those conversations with Linda.

July

January

Summit Lake 5K-June

Mud Stash--September

November

October

 Red Nose Run--December

         As I searched for my SPARKLE this year I attempted and accomplished so many new things that I never ever thought I would be able to do. I started doing boot camps and running 5Ks. And who would have thought that I would be lifting weights. I know I never imagined I'd be able to do dead lifts and straight bar squats. Perhaps the biggest physical accomplishment this year has been Mud-Stash.  Being able to complete difficult obstacles made my confidence soar.  I also have so much more energy and have gotten healthier. I'm no longer pre-diabetic, my triglycerides went from 254 to 74  and my blood pressure medication has been cut in half. My body fat percentage did not even register in March so it was probably well over 50% and as of the end of November was at 40% and my BMI has gone from 52.4 to 34.8.  For the most part I have moved out of the plus size section (except jeans and slacks but I'll get there) and  trying on clothes is a lot more fun than it used to be.  There have been stumbles as well and I have had to dig really deep within to overcome my fears and insecurities.  I have had to face painful events from my past and determine that I will no longer be a victim. I am a survivor and my past will not define me or my self worth.
     I still have a long way to go on this journey but as 2012 is coming to close I started thinking about my theme word for 2013.  I'm not leaving SPARKLE behind, I think that word will always have special meaning for me.  (in fact I'm considering getting a tattoo of something signifying my journey and finding my SPARKLE but I need to find the perfect design--so if you are artistic and creative let me know!)   One of the things I have discovered this past year is that I love feeling strong--physically, mentally and emotionally. I have found a drive within myself to want to keep pushing myself to the next level.  So for 2013 I want to find ways to EMPOWER myself. I want to stop doubting my own strength and abilities. I want to move past the self-doubt and insecurity I still struggle with and push myself to meet new challenges and face my fears. I already know some of the challenges that I will be facing this year:

 1. Meeting with a group and talking about what has been working for me on my journey and sharing tips to help others on their journeys--I'll be doing this on Saturday 1/19/13 and public speaking scares me so it will be a challenge.
2. Complete a mini marathon (New Castle will be holding a mini on 4/6/13--anyone want to join me?)
3. Lose another 62 pounds to get to my goal weight of 160.
4. Continue competing in 5Ks--hoping to improve my time each time and be able to run the entire 3.1 miles without walking.
5. More Mud-Stash!!!
    I know there will be a lot more challenges that will surface including bumps in the road that I am determined to view as a challenge and not a struggle.   It has been a long time since I've been this excited about the start of a new year, such a big change from last year. I have also realized that throughout this next part of my journey it is important to me to help EMPOWER other people.  I never thought I ever had anything of value to offer others or that anyone would ever be interested in what I had to say, but my blog has had 1700 views and so many people have been asking me for advice or tips and have told me that my story is inspiring that I've started thinking maybe I really can make a difference. This coming year I want to use this blog not only to record my journey but to challenge others on their journey. My first challenge for you is to come up with just one word for your 2013 and to use that word throughout the year to start or continue your journey.

Reigniting My Spark

     The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me to stay focused on my goals--partly because of the hustle and bustle of the holidays.   But also I'm just in a funk.  That's the only way to describe it. I've gotten to the point where I'm not being consistent with my meals or my workouts.  I'm not writing down everything I eat especially on the weekends. Instead of getting to the gym 6 days a week I'm pushing to get in 4.  Consistency has been a key component of my success so far so why am I letting myself screw this up? Granted I have a busy schedule, but I've had a busy schedule during this entire process and I was able to control my eating plus made sure to get in all my workouts.  There is no question that I am a lot more confident and happy than I was before I started this journey.  I love feeling strong and proud of what I've accomplished.  So why am I now finding some of those thoughts of self doubt and dislike are coming back to the surface and extinguishing the spark I've worked so hard to get?  It is almost like I'm afraid to let myself be truly happy and love this new person I'm becoming. Perhaps it's fear of rejection, disappointing others and fear of being alone; or it could be feelings of guilt and selfishness for making this journey my priority. Whatever the reason,  I am so quick to berate myself and beat myself up for even the littlest of things.
     Lately during my training sessions, Kyle and I have had many discussions about this funk I'm in and how detrimental bashing myself is to not only my weight loss but more importantly how I feel about myself. I really think he needs to change his job title from personal trainer to life coach.  He has been so instrumental to me during this journey, I will never be able to thank him enough.  I would not have been this successful without all his help, support, encouragement and butt-kicking when needed--like now. He is helping me finally see that telling myself I'm ugly, fat, a failure, a bad mom/friend/person is holding me back and does nothing to empower me.   I'm not perfect and need to stop kicking myself for every little misstep I make.  This is a journey which means there are going to be ups and downs, I'm going to struggle at times and flourish other times.  I need to find a way to think about those struggles as challenges and not obstacles that are going to cause any progress I've made come to a stand still. I've written before how much things from my past have effected how I feel about myself which in turn caused me to use food and my weight as a shield--a protector against the pain. I was just living life going through the motions. Then with my marriage failing and my tendency to beat myself when I'm down,  I got to an all time low.  Last Christmas I was at a point in my life that I really didn't care if I was alive or not.  Toby was the only thing that kept me going and I hate to admit it but it still took a couple more months before I finally gathered enough courage to make a change. I had to really dig deep and find that pure desire to want to change. I had to acknowledge that I didn't want to live my life the way I had been for so many years.  I had to get rid of my shield--lose weight and stop seeking comfort in food.  Maybe if I had viewed those times as challenges instead of struggles I wouldn't have let myself get to 335 lbs or feel such self-hatred.
       I am realizing now that the things I have viewed as challenges--like the boot camps, 5Ks and Mud Stash--I found the drive and determination to overcome those challenges. And when I did, I felt empowered and happy. Those challenges have been a huge part in getting my sparkle back--those were the things that have given me self-confidence and strength.  What I viewed as struggles--getting away from my nutrition plan, telling myself I'm a bad mom, thinking no one could ever love someone like me, and so on--causes my sparkle to disintegrate.  I want to reignite that spark and no matter what obstacle comes my way, find the power within myself to tackle it like I have other challenges and not approach it like a struggle that I'm not going to win. I want to keep that spark going and live my life empowered and with a passion for being happy, fit, and self confident. I also want to find a way to help others ignite their own spark as everyone--including myself-- deserves to shine!
   

Visions of Sugar Plums....

      

      Remember the challenges on Biggest Loser where they make the contestants be in a room with tons and tons of trigger foods and if they give in to temptation they are usually rewarded with some kind of power to help them in the game?  The contestant has to choose whether they want the game play or be true to their nutritional game plan.  Well from October to January 1 we are in constant environment of temptation.
        It all starts with fall--bonfires with roasted hot dogs and s'mores and trips to the orchard. You would think going to the orchard would be great because apples are good for you....but not when what you are going for are caramel apples and can't forget about those warm and yummy applesauce donuts.  And then comes Halloween where there is an endless supply of candy.  We survive Halloween and before we know it Thanksgiving is here.  At least Thanksgiving is just one day, granted a day full of traditional dishes that are "must haves" in your family.   A day you know will be filled with turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, pies...and more pies.    For the most part, I did really well with the first round of the holiday temptations.   I stayed away from the Halloween candy and we tried a few healthier variations in our Thanksgiving menu.  Some turned out great others not so great.  Stacy made a wonderful buffalo turkey and I made a sweet potato dish with pecans.  Those turned out great, but every year one of the must haves for Toby and Stacy's daughter Jessica are deviled eggs.  I had the "brilliant" idea to use greek yogurt instead of mayo. I've been doing that for the last few months in a bunch of things I fix and everything had turned out really good.  Let me tell you, it doesn't work with deviled eggs!  At least I was smart enough to only do a few with the greek yogurt so I didn't have Jess and Toby really mad at me.
       The next round of temptation is in full swing--the Christmas Season.  I say season because it's not one day like Thanksgiving. It's a whole month of constant temptations. I noticed this week it's getting harder and harder for me to stick to my nutritional game plan. I guess you could say I have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.  There are so many parties, lunches, special dinners, all day shopping trips, pitch-ins..the list goes on and on with events that will be loaded with food that is outside my plan of what I should be eating.  Today alone we had lunch provided for us at work plus this evening I had a Christmas party.  Pizza, cupcakes, cookies, punch.....I gave in to all those today.  Not to mention the past several nights where every evening was scheduled to the max and I inevitably picked up dinner at 9 or10pm.  I am not going to beat myself up about it. But this week was just the start of it. There are so many more events where I know I will be faced with all the yumminess of Christmas.  From the crab salad and caramel icebox cake at the hospital's annual employee Christmas party, our family Christmas with Snicker salad and fudge, to our traditional McDonald's coke and ice cream cone that we have as we drive around looking at Christmas lights after our church's Christmas Eve service--just about every holiday activity we do involves eating.
      I sound like all I think about at Christmas is food, but Christmas means a lot more to me than what goodies surround me.  I 'm just focusing on the food part because that's where I'm struggling right now.  I want to be able to enjoy and indulge in some--okay a lot---of these special treats.  But can I indulge conservatively so as not to derail months of hard work?  I didn't do a very good job of that this week. To make matters worse with my schedule this week my workouts have been short and have missed the past 2 days. It doesn't look good for tomorrow either. Okay, I need to remind myself that I said I wasn't going to beat myself up about it.  So now I need to figure out how I am going to handle myself the next time I'm surrounded by all the temptations around me.  The schedule for the next few weeks isn't much better than this weeks so I need to come up with a plan to get me through that lets me indulge without going completely off the wagon.  Is that even possible? I've already made one decision today...tomorrow is our Cookie Walk at church. We go every year and get one or two boxes of all different kinds of cookies.  I asked my mom if she would be terribly upset if we bypassed it this year. Luckily she agreed because tonight as I'm writing this I don't know if I have it in me to stay out of them if we did get some. I am a little worried about my self control now. I've done really good up to this point in standing strong that I can do without the tempting treats, but that is weakening a bit.  I know I'm not going to quit or give up on my goals. I've come too far and I still want to get into "one"derland hopefully by my birthday on January 15. However, I may be leaning on my "support team" more in the next few weeks and need some gentle nudging if you see me nibbling on a mini cupcake or if it's a big cupcake please knock it out of my hands!  Feel free to shake me and say what are you doing girl!  FOCUS!!  Don't forget your goals and most of all don't forget: 

Assessment #6: Did I do enough?

     At my last assessment a 12 week goal was set for me--get under 200lbs. That is my next big weight loss milestone and would mean needing to lose 16lbs at my assessment tonight. Sixteen pounds was the least amount I had lost at my other 5 assessments so achieving that was not really far-fetched.  I lost 9lbs and the first thing I said was it isn't 16.  Kyle assured me I had a great assessment, but I admit that nagging voice of insecurity was telling myself I failed and that I wasn't good enough. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have come so far in a short time but I am a little disappointed in myself for not reaching my goal. Did I work hard enough?  Did I let myself slack too much with eating?  Why can't I just be happy for myself for having just lost weight?    I know some people will not understand why I'm disappointed with a 9lb loss. From the look on his face, I'm not even sure Kyle understood since most people would be happy with 9lbs.   But I guess when you have spent years beating yourself up for not being good enough and not being able to love yourself, it's easy to return to that negative self-talk.  Tonight showed me that even though my confidence has grown by leaps and bounds I still have a long way to go to completely accepting myself and being proud of myself in all that I have accomplished especially when I fall short of a goal.
     Usually during my assessments there is not time for a workout, but Kyle had me do the workout of the day which was timing how long it took to do 100 squats with a cling and press using 12.5 lb dumbbells.  Every 2 minutes you stop and do three burpees (burpees are basically jumping down into push up position and jumping back up).  I finished in 8:58 which was pretty good and he said something about at 335 lbs would I have ever thought I'd be able to do a burpee and now I was doing them without much difficulty. He's right. Those are the accomplishments I have been drawing my strength and confidence from-not the numbers on the scale. Before I left the gym tonight I went to the wall of success (or as I like to call it the Loser board) and looked at mine, perhaps as a way to put things back into perspective. 

"Thanks to the staff at ATF and especially my trainer Kyle Watson, I have discovered within myself a sense of strength, self-confidence and determination that I never knew I had. I now have the drive, motivation and belief in myself to keep conquering my goals." 

 I re-read my quote and felt myself tearing up.  113 pounds is a lot to be proud of so why was I once again beating myself up?  (So now I'm beating myself up for beating myself up) So after a hug at the gym and spending the evening talking--actually texting-- to my "support group" (thanks Jae, Stacy, Leah, Aunt Joni, Jill and Charles), I'm realizing I need to focus less on getting under 200 lbs and more on the path that is going to take me there.

Improving my balance

     My balance is horrible, in fact I've told Kyle several times it just plain sucks. He tells me it has gotten a lot better from when I first started, but I just don't see improvement. I'm as weebly wobbly as ever.  Lately however I have discovered that not only am I not going to be balancing myself across a tight rope any time soon,  I'm struggling balancing all the different roles in my life.

                   
      I'm finding myself feeling overwhelmed.   I'm sure it's a combination of lots of things--primarily lack of sleep and stress at work, but I find myself getting so tired and feeling all this weight pressing down on my shoulders. I'm sure we have all been there before; we have so many different roles every day, it's hard to juggle them all without dropping one every now and then.  I guess the trick is not letting them all drop at the same time.  I am trying to focus  mainly on losing weight and transforming my life, but I still have all these other roles that I deal with daily--mom, employee, daughter, friend and more. It would be nice if we could all be on a TV show like the Biggest Loser where the only job you have is to get fit and lose weight.  But that isn't the real world.
      First and foremost I'm a mom and at times I find myself feeling guilty for spending so much time focusing on myself and putting some of my needs and wants ahead of Toby.  I think that guilt is compounded because I am a single mom and it's pretty much always just been me and him. Since he was little, I have  overcompensated for the fact that his father wasn't around and have tried to be both mother and father to him.  Granted he's a teenager and doesn't need or want me around as much as he used to but I think sometimes he misses me always being home. I know he is really proud of me and is glad I have gotten healthier but sometimes he does complain about me not being as available as I used to be--usually the complaints come around dinner time when he's starving and I haven't fixed dinner yet because I was working out or when I didn't have the laundry done and he was looking for clothes. Speaking of laundry and dinner, I am definitely not juggling the household chores very well.   When Tommy and I separated I pretty much didn't have the energy or desire to do anything. I didn't care if the bed was made or if I dusted each week. I let the mail pile up and lost any organization I once had. Now that I do have more energy and I'm tired of my house being a mess, I feel totally overwhelmed and have no clue where to even begin. By the time I get home in the evenings, fix dinner, do dishes and get things ready for the next day, it's about time for bed or I'm too drained to do anything else.       
         I have worked so hard these past several months to find myself again---no actually, to find myself for the first time. It has taken me almost 37 years to start feeling happy in my own skin.  I have finally made myself & my well-being a priority. I spend a lot of time in the gym and I know that is time I could be getting other things done, but working out is an outlet for the stress and it's during that time that I've worked through a lot of my issues.  I honestly believe the progress I have made by working out has had a greater impact on finding myself than the weight loss itself. Losing weight is an awesome bonus, but it is in the workouts and Kyle pushing me that I have found confidence and strength. I have this drive now that I have never felt before. My mind will still tell me I can't do it but that no longer stops me. I will try and keep trying until I conquer it (remember the box jump). For instance, this past week at our final boot camp, Kyle had 2 people doing assisted pull ups instead of the seated ones we had all been doing the past 6 weeks. I told him at my training session that night, I wanted to get to where I could do a real pull up.  I love the fact that I am constantly wanting to improve and get a little further each time I workout. So cutting back on the time I'm spending at the gym and on this weight loss journey is not an option.
        I think we as women and mothers expect ourselves to be Wonder-Woman or Supermom. Able to do it all (and perfectly at that) and won't settle or expect anything less of ourselves. It isn't working for me anymore. Expecting myself to do it all and have it all together all the time is putting way too much pressure on myself.  I need to figure out a way to balance out all these roles or at least come up with a plan to keep me from feeling so overwhelmed.  I'm a list person but tend to think I can accomplish a lot more in a day or weekend than I really can. Inevitably I end up beating myself up for not being able to do enough (imagine that--me beating myself up over something!)  I'm working on breaking that cycle and be happy with whatever I do get accomplished instead of thinking of all those things that I did not, but I struggle with that.   Sometimes I feel like a hamster trying to keep up with the wheel that occasionally throws you upside down on your ass. 

      I need to focus on getting just one thing done each day outside of my daily tasks.  Gradually that one thing a day will add up to where I can start seeing progress  (yes, Jae I was listening lol--and if anyone else has any suggestions please share!).  Just like my weight loss, it is not going to happen overnight. I took step after step to get to where I am now. I just need to apply that process to the other roles in my life.  Finding the balance I want in my life is going to be a process. I'm finally ready to take that first step.
 
   

Perks, Breakthroughs and Little Embarrassments

      As the weight is coming off I am often amazed how much I am changing mentally and physically. I am not the same person I was when I started my journey in March.   I have grown so much these past few months and I feel like I am getting my sparkle back.  In fact this past Friday I had what I consider to be a major breakthrough for me.....I looked in the mirror before going to work and thought I looked pretty.  I have NEVER thought that before.  I actually liked what I saw looking back at me. When I started this journey I hated myself and had for a long long time. Honestly sometimes I wondered if that would change even after losing weight.  I had always considered myself ugly and disgusting and I had absolutely no self-confidence.  For me to actually think I looked pretty, even for one day is a huge breakthrough.  Once I got to work I had to e-mail Jenn and Stacy to share my moment with them, bringing them both to tears. They  know how much I have struggled with feeling ugly and unworthy and I think for them to see me overcoming that is probably as emotional for them as it is for me. I am holding my head higher and have noticed I'm making eye contact now when walking by someone. Normally I would walk looking down at the floor--I guess thinking if I didn't make eye contact with people then they wouldn't notice me and see how hideous I was.   Now I don't want to remain invisible to others.
       My body is physically changing as the weight is coming off. I never thought I'd be so excited about bones and muscles. My arms are getting some definition and although you won't find me flexing in the mirrors at the gym, I admit I have in front of my bathroom mirror. In an earlier blog I wrote about constantly wrapping my hand around my wrist because my fingers and thumb would now touch. Well that has been replaced by my collarbone. Yes I know it's always been there but I've never been able to see or feel it before. Although I cannot see my rib cage, I can now feel it. And an added bonus-- if I ever need CPR whoever is trying to save my life can find my sternum! Speaking of the sternum area...(WARNING:  this part may be a little TMI for some so if you don't want to read about my boobs skip to the next paragraph!) my bras keep getting bigger and bigger--or I guess I should say my boobs keep getting smaller. My mom likes to point out just how much smaller they are getting.  It never fails, we will be in the van going somewhere and out of the blue she will look over (and sometimes reach over) and point out how much smaller they are.  Not so embarrassing for me, but it really gets on Toby's nerves if he's in the van.  I did have an embarrassing moment though in Wal-mart.  I stopped to talk to my aunt who works there when loudly in the middle of the aisle she said "wow, you are losing your boobs!"  That did make me a little self-conscious and want to shrink into the floor.  There are "perks" though to them getting smaller.  My back pain is gone which is a major plus.  And for all those larger chested women reading this you will know what I mean by this, when I lie down I'm no longer flat chested.  They don't fall over to my armpits anymore so I guess all those upper body exercises are making me a little perkier!    (Okay, I swear I'm done talking about boobs now!)
       There is one other physical change that does make me pretty self-conscious--the sound of my flabby skin smacking when I'm running or doing some exercises.  I'll never forget one of the first times I heard it, it was during the first boot camp I did and I believe we were skipping or doing high knees and *SMACK*.  I wasn't the only one that heard it, Kyle thought it was my knee or hip popping.  Nope, it was my flab hitting flab.  It is happening more frequently now and I try to not let it bother me, but it is rather embarrassing and I am self-conscious about it.   I will just have to live with it and as I lose more and the skin becomes loser it will probably happen more frequently.
       I had another breakthrough this weekend as well.  During boot camp we have been doing box jumps on Thursdays.  A box jump sounds really simple.  You jump up on this with both feet at the same time (and see the larger ones to the left---I've seen people actually jump on those too--I'm in total awe when I see that!): 

 I could not do a box jump. I could not do it on a regular step either.  Just something about lifting both feet off the ground at the same time just did not comprehend with me. So on the weekends when Stacy and I are working out I practice because there are very few people there early in the mornings so if I go splat not too many will see me.  I did get to where I could jump on the step platform and with one set of risers--except during boot camp. I don't know if it's because we do these TRX squat muscle up thingies beforehand and I'm tired or if it's because everything is timed and we are trying to beat our time from the previous week.  So it has become a goal of mine to conquer the box jump and this past Saturday I really focused on this during my time at the gym. I don't know how many times I would start to jump then just stop.  I had this mental block that just will not let my brain tell my legs to jump. The new physical trainer manager, Drew had come in to work while I was struggling with getting my feet off the floor.  He suggested I stand beside the box and just jump so I could see that I would clear it. My feet would land on the floor and not the platform so it would take some of the fear out of it.  I could do that but still I couldn't get both feet up on the platform....but I kept trying and finally--success!!  WOO-HOO!!

        I'm learning to embrace all of these "perks", breakthroughs and even the embarrassments during my journey.  Kyle mentioned during my training session today that I should start keeping a list of all these little (and big) successes to keep as a reminder how far I've come. He talked about when I first started and had to take breaks pulling the tire around the building and now to look back on that moment, I know I can easily do that and so much more.  I'm recording those moments in this blog, but he's right I should start a running list of dates and accomplishments perhaps I'll even record those little embarrassments too--just for future laughs. One day I'll look back (maybe as I'm doing box jumps on the great big platform) and think that wasn't so hard.
 

Fifth Assessment: almost 8 months on this journey

      The moment was here....had I done enough in the past 6 weeks to reach the 14 pound goal that would bring my total weight loss to 100 lbs?  Triple digits...I never thought I would be even close to being able to say I've lost 100 pounds. I had warned Kyle that I would probably cry either way the scale went...if it was below 14lbs I'd be disappointed.  I would try to remind myself that any loss was a loss and I should be proud of that, but it would have been difficult.  If I reached 14 then I knew I would more than likely want to cry but it would be happy tears.  235 was the magic number......and I was at 231!!  I did it!!  I have lost 104 pounds!!  I cannot even begin to explain all that was going through my mind.  I fought back the tears because I didn't want to cry in front of my trainer and everyone else in the gym at the time,  now that I think about it what would it have mattered if I did shed a few tears.  It feels so good to be able to say I am PROUD of myself. I have worked hard, had ups and downs and am learning to celebrate the ups and fight through the downs.

January 2012

October 17, 2012

 

 

 

 

 

 I know I have posted the January 2012 picture in a previous blog but I was looking back through some of my entries and saw this picture.  I don't even recognize myself.  It's funny though, I don't really recognize the girl on the right yet either.   That's okay though, I like her a lot better than who I was in January even if I'm still trying to figure her out.

     My next big goal is to reach "one"derland.  It still amazes me to think that is definitely a possibility now.  I imagine I haven't been under 200 lbs since elementary school. I know in fifth grade I would come home crying almost every day because I was smart and fat so I was the fat ass teacher's pet, so if I wasn't over 200 lbs then I was certainly close.  I admit I was a little intimidated when Kyle told he wants me to reach "one"derland in the next 12 weeks.  My first thought was uh...Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner.  But I'm going to go for it.  I'll just have to figure out what my must haves are for each holiday and let myself have a little (okay--I already know chocolate covered cherries and white fudge oreos--I'll just only buy one box of each instead of 5 or 6 and hide it from the other 2 in the house so I can actually have some of it).  I will make sure my workouts are a priority and be smart about the majority of my meals.  

    The other goal Kyle set for me is going to be a big challenge for me.  He wants me to do a presentation/talk with other people about what I'm eating, how I track and stay relatively consistent.  I love to write but public speaking on the other hand is not something I am good at.  When I'm writing I'm sitting at my computer in my pjs not in front of others watching me.  But one of the things I wanted to do when I started this journey was to hopefully inspire others to start their own journeys. Perhaps this is a way to help someone else know that success is possible even with all the ups and downs and the days when you either want to crawl back in bed or eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream (or both at the same time).

    I saw this quote today when I logged into facebook and I think it really shows where I am right now on my journey:

 

I'm not completely there yet but I've taken such huge steps, a little off balance at times but still moving forward.

Facing my past

    This entry is hard for me to write but I keep coming back to feeling like this is something I HAVE to do.  I wasn't going to post this and just share with a few people who have been so very important in my journey thus far, but the more I think about it, I don't think I am going to be able to really move on without just putting it out there and acknowledging the past and the role it played in letting myself reach 338 pounds. I also need to admit that even after all these years I still struggle to deal with trying to move past all those insecurities and fears.
      I cannot explain how badly I wish I could look in the mirror and think "hey you know what Alicia, you are beautiful--inside and out" or that someone will tell me that one day and I actually believe them.   But I cannot see a day yet where that will happen. I have had things happen and allowed things to happen to me that  have made me feel ugly, disgusting and unworthy of being loved or even feeling like I matter in this world. I no longer hate myself or feel completely disgusted by who I am or what I look like, so that is progress but I'm a long way from thinking I look remotely attractive. I don't know why it is so important to me to feel pretty or beautiful. I guess it's important to any woman...or man for that matter. Who doesn't want to be considered attractive?  I know it doesn't sound like it but my confidence is growing and my self-esteem has improved so much, but when you have felt so horrible about yourself for so long it's hard to move past that.  It's time I put the past behind me. It happened and it's over. I'm not the same person I was then nor will I let it define or destroy me anymore. I am moving past the feelings of being unworthy and am discovering within myself someone who is strong and wants to be a confident, determined  and happy person.
     I'm not going to go into a long story about my past-- because it is not something I can go into great detail about and some of you I have already told (or you were there to help pick up the pieces). I don't want to relive those days, I just need to put pen to paper how those things made me feel and I'm getting to the point where I am understanding why I feel the way I do so much more clearly now and I am wanting to really change how I feel about me.  I'm also at the point in my journey where tackling my past doesn't hurt and bring me down like it once did. I cannot change the past. Even though it's taken many years for me to be able to turn it into a positive in my life, my past plays an important role in the person I am becoming.
    My mom and I always lived with my grandparents.  My grandma was diabetic and my grandpa was legally blind. Mom was a single mom and she needed their help with me.  I loved my grandparents tremendously and when I was 9 my grandma died the day before Mother's Day.  My grandpa was heartbroken and died the following March.  He was never the same after she passed away and that summer changed my life forever. I was way too young to be exposed to what he did to me and didn't understand why it was happening. I remember dreading the days when my cousin decided she wanted to stay home and not come into town and stay with us.  I was safe when she was there and he would leave me alone. He was never mean and I remembered him crying at times so I have to believe he didn't intentionally want to hurt me and that he wasn't really aware what he was doing.  After a few weeks I did tell some of what was going on to my mom but not much. I didn't want to hurt her. She talked to him and it did stop after that. The ironic thing is after she spoke to him, the three of us went for ice cream and it was like nothing ever happened. She and I didn't speak of it again until much later when I was in college and had just gotten out of a brief but very abusive relationship. I never pinpointed my dependence on food throughout the years until going through this journey.  Ice cream is still one of my main comfort foods. When I'm upset or down, that is exactly what I want to feel better.  Once I realized that moment when I was 9 is where my dependence on food started, I also realized that was when I really started gaining more and more weight. I had always been chubby but after that summer I steadily would get bigger and bigger. I cannot tell you how much I weighed in jr, high or high school but I think it was probably more than what I weigh right now.  My dependence on food got to the point where I would binge which carried over into adulthood and even now when I get upset or down I really struggle to fight the urge to binge. I get down or upset and I turned to food--any food.  Just the act of eating something helped numb whatever pain I was feeling. I would then turn the guilt for binging back on myself, telling myself I was a failure and fat and worthless. It was a never ending cycle.I know I could have easily become a bulimic but  I could never make myself throw up. 
    I think I used the weight to build a wall around myself to protect myself from being hurt. The uglier and fatter I was no one would want to touch me. It didn't quite work that way though. At 13 I started seeing an older guy that lived in my neighborhood. He was 18 and when he started to show interest in me I realized how much I wanted someone to like me. I found myself in a situation I could not get myself out of and I was not physically or mentally strong enough to stop him. I gave in and remember being so scared. He would have been deaf and blind not to know I was not wanting to, but he didn't care about that and after that I didn't care about it either. I started caring less and less about how I felt about myself and worried more about what others thought of me. I wanted so badly for someone to love me because I couldn't love myself. I would start seeing a guy (and definitely not the right kind of guys---unfortunately most of them were quite a bit older than me and either already out of school or had dropped out and really were only interested in one thing). But I could only go so far and they would leave because they considered me to be a tease. That would in turn make me turn to more food and beating myself up about not being good enough for anyone to love. Thinking about it now, I guess during that time I did have a little self worth left albeit not much. If not I probably wouldn't have stopped them and just did anything they wanted to.
   I had friends in high school but only a couple close friends. I wasn't one that went to a lot of social events. I wanted to blend in and not be noticed. Any confidence I had was tied into my school work. I studied constantly and was a perfectionist. I was not satisfied with anything less than an A. I guess it was the one thing I had control over and something I excelled at. I graduated 3rd in my class and had high hopes for a new start at Butler. I excelled at Butler too, made the Dean's list and got involved in a bunch of different organizations--even leading a few of them. I didn't do much of the whole frat party thing as I was too self-conscious and felt out of place.  Joining a sorority was definitely out of the question. I think I was relatively content at Butler. I did have a lot of fun and met some great people. Met my best friends Jenn and Frances and have some great memories of college. Then I met Saeed.  He was a foreign student from the United Arab Emirates who moved in down the hall from me. We started seeing each other, but it quickly turned into a bad situation. Perhaps it was his culture, my fear of men and strong desire of wanting *anyone* to love me. I'm not sure and I will never know, I just know that what happened in that short month we were together brought everything back from when I was 9 and 13. It got to the point where I wouldn't put up any fight, just let him hit me and use me. I'm not proud to admit that but at that time I could have cared less about whether I lived or died. If it wasn't for Jenn and Frances, especially Jenn I probably would not have survived. Saeed moved off campus and then I finally broke free. I was a total and complete mess though. I couldn't sleep. I was lucky if I got an hour a night. Jenn and Frances took anything from my room that I might hurt myself with. I don't know if I really would have tried killing myself although I wanted all the pain to end.  I hated myself, I was damaged, and after that time period was when I really remember feeling so worthless and disgusting. How could anyone ever want to be with someone like me? After all, I had let all those things happen to me. I started skipping classes and just didn't give a damn about anything.
     I probably should have taken some time off school but I refused to go home because what happened with Saeed brought up the memories of my grandpa. I couldn't be in the same house that everything had started in.   I can't remember what got me started in counseling. I couldn't say whether it was something I knew I needed to do if I wanted to survive or if Jenn and Frances convinced me to go. I just know I went and they put me on trazadone just so I could get some sleep at night and start dealing with my messed up life. It did help me sleep but I felt drugged or hung over most of the time. I think I went a couple times a week to counseling. It's strange I can remember just about every detail of what happened before counseling but during that time I think I just kind of shut down and became foggy on some things.  Maybe that was my brain's way of letting me work things out. Slowly I started putting the pieces of my life back together. Luckily most of my professors knew what kind of student I had been and worked with me but I did have to drop a couple classes.  I stayed in counseling until she wanted to start talking about my weight and what I felt like was her wanting me to blame my mom.  I stopped going and for the most part after that I was doing okay except I would get flashbacks and have horrible nightmares. I remember all of a sudden I would just be in a trance and I wouldn't know anyone else was around me. I would see, feel, smell, hear Saeed and I would be back in his dorm room. My counselor had taught me enough on dealing with the flashbacks and getting through my days that eventually I was able to know how to stop them when they started. I do feel like I dealt with the fact that I was molested and raped and for the most part have been able to put that behind me. I just hadn't dug deep enough with what those things did to how I felt about myself. And at times I wonder if I have fully forgiven myself for letting what happened lead me to some of the poor choices I made. I had such little self respect. After Saeed I seemed to do the same like I did in high school only this time I didn't have any feelings of self worth left. I didn't care what I did or who I did it with. Definitely not proud of that and even writing it now makes me feel disgusted. But it happened, there is nothing I can do to change that and I know I'm not that person anymore.
     When Tommy and I started seeing each other, he made me forget about the hell I had gone through. I could get through my days without all the pain. Finally I thought I had found someone who truly loved me and I fell for him so fast. I almost lost my best friends over it and I'm so thankful that I didn't.  For the first time in a long time I felt safe and loved.  I honestly do not know how it was possible considering how low things had gotten for me (plus I had Toby halfway through my fourth year), but I graduated from Butler with high honors.  The flashbacks disappeared and for the most part so did the nightmares. I still had nightmares occasionally but for the most part it was behind me. I was a new mom, Tommy and I got married and I focused on trying to be the best wife and mom I could be.  I never really focused on myself, but rather everything I did was for them. Then after Tommy went to prison all my focus went to Toby and trying to give him as normal a life as possible. I never took the time to focus on me nor did I really think much about how little I liked myself. As I've said in one of my first blog posts I was going through the motions. Life was happening to me not the other way around.  
      Once Tommy came home, I thought finally I'll be happy. I put all I had into rebuilding our marriage and our family.   But still didn't put any time into rebuilding myself.  I let Tommy walk all over me throughout our marriage, believing one lie after the other, forgiving him when he cheated and didn't give up on him while he was away.   After I had found the pipe in his shirt pocket almost a year ago now, I just gave up. I stopped trying to keep our marriage together and accepted the fact that partying and whatever else he was doing was always going to be more important than Toby or me.  I couldn't do it anymore, I was miserable and he had disappointed us again. At first maybe calling an end to our marriage was more because I couldn't put Toby through that again. He was 4 when Tommy went away and at the time we separated he was 13. He knew things weren't right and knew I was miserable.  It's a big wake up call when your teenage son keeps asking why I kept giving Tommy chance after chance.   
      When this journey started I knew I had to really look inside myself and be completely honest if I wanted to really change my life. I needed to find myself and believe in myself. I needed to discover that I wasn't just taking up space in this world. I deserved to be here and I deserved to find happiness. I've had a lot of successes in this process but there have been down times too.  In May the nightmares came back more frequently than they had in a long time.  When they would wake me up I felt so terribly alone and thought about giving up trying to lose weight and getting healthy if it meant I was going to be reliving all that again.   I think that was when I really had to dig deep inside myself and tackle how my past had helped create the self-hatred and all those feelings of unworthiness that I had felt for so long. I honestly think that will be a very important part in making this transformation lifelong and not resort to binge eating and gaining the weight back or being a doormat for anyone to stomp their feet on.   Over the past few months I've had different times where I pick apart the past and now I'm connecting the dots. I'm no longer afraid to face the past. When trying to decide whether I was actually going to post this for anyone to see or not and after talking it through with a couple friends, the main thing that was holding me back was not wanting to hurt anyone or wanting anyone to think differently of me. They both helped me realize I have to do what is right for me and I truly think that is not hiding behind what happened anymore or being ashamed.  That's what this entry has been for me---acknowledging what I went through, living with the choices I made and using all of that to move forward and become stronger.  I know I'm not there yet, I still have a long way to go.  I still place too much emphasis on what other people think of me rather than how I feel about myself. I still need to learn to love myself before anyone else can love me the way I deserve to be loved. And like I said in the beginning I still want to someday feel pretty and attractive. But  I'm definitely not the same person I was in high school, college or even a few months ago. I respect myself now and will not compromise what I want out of my life anymore.

Get Fit Wish List

      My life has changed so much the past few months. I feel like I am transforming into a completely different person and am gaining confidence I have never had before.  I am wanting to try things that I always thought would be fun but never thought I would actually consider doing them.  I have always been too scared or thought I was too fat to try.   So I thought it might be fun for me to write a wish list of some of the things that I want to be able to do as I lose weight, from the simplest things like being able to buy something besides lotion at Victoria's Secret to the crazy and daring like sky diving.

My Get Fit Wish List

• Buying clothes without having to shop in the "plus size"
• Wear cute dresses and maybe even high heels
• Being able to buy something at Victoria's Secret
• Learn how to swim
• Take a long country drive on the back of a motorcycle.
• Go horseback riding 
• Rollercoaster rides 
• Bungee Jumping

• Go Hiking--I would love to go to Brown County or Turkey Run during Fall Break this year but so far haven't found anyone who would like to go yet.
• Sounds crazy but I want to ride a mechanical bull, probably would need to have a couple drinks beforehand to actually get on one but I think it would be fun.
• Run a half marathon
• Hot-air balloon ride
• Sky Dive   

• ZIP LINE

       Two or three years ago Toby and I were in a summer "boot camp" at our church. At the end of the summer all the families in the boot camp had a special outing to Camp Yale in Winchester where we could do a rock climbing wall and zip line. I thought it would be so much fun to do but I would not even attempt it. I kept thinking I would break the line. I always regretted not even trying it and now it has become one of my greatest desires. I think stepping off that platform will be a huge leap of faith just like walking through the Anytime Fitness door for the first time was.

      I do not want to let fear hold me back anymore. I've let fear take over so many times in my life. Now that I am getting stronger and more confident I want to explore and try things that are out of my comfort zone.  I am learning how important it is to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to and to keep pushing forward, setting new goals and striving to become happy with who I am.

Mud-Stash 9/8/2012: Challenge Met

     What was I worried about? I was so nervous in the days leading up to Mud-Stash  that I was starting to freak myself out a little wondering what in the world had I gotten myself into. I kept reminding myself to go out there and have fun and try my best, but I admit I was a little (ok, a lot) afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it.  Once we got to Perfect North Slopes and started getting our costumes on  I realized you can't be too freaked out when everyone on your team looks like this: 

Anytime Fitness New Castle Mud Stash Team

Headed to the starting line

And we are off!

I didn't realize how much of the 5K would be uphill. Yes, I know we were at ski slopes but I hadn't thought much about that part, which was probably a good thing since I was already nervous enough.    There were a lot of obstacles throughout the course and they were definitely challenging--some more so than others.  I have to admit though I was shocked at how much I could do, especially the rope ladders and some of the obstacles we had to climb. I never thought I would be able to go up a rope ladder, climb over the log or whatever platform there was and back down the other side. I never would have even attempted it a few months ago. I'd be so concerned about falling or the rope not being able to hold me that I wouldn't want to embarrass myself by trying. But once again I proved to myself that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 
       Did I fall? A lot!  Did I struggle pulling myself up a muddy hill with a rope?  Most definitely! Did I need help to keep from falling or getting up after I fell? Yep!  Did have an absolute blast?   YES!!   I found myself looking forward to what the next obstacle would be and couldn't wait to try it.   My favorites were probably the water slide and lily pads. The only way I could figure to tackle that one was to lie on my stomach and pull myself from one to the next.                                                 

I did every obstacle except for the monkey bars which should have been a lot sooner in the course.  By the time we got to that one I was worn out! I walked around it but next time I will at least try it. There was also this big metal barrel to go up and over and I just could not get my body on it. I almost went around it and said aloud I can't do this one.  I'm learning not to let your trainer hear you say you can't do something because the next thing I know there was this voice telling me I wasn't going around it, I was going to do it. Thanks Kyle for being that
voice when I'm letting my own voice of doubt get in the way.

 The biggest challenge for me at Mud-Stash was one of the last obstacles.  It was basically this huge pit of thick mud that someone said was like quicksand. I thought it was like being in cement. And I got stuck like I was in cement.  I got maybe halfway through but as soon as you slow down it gets hard to move through. I was not going anywhere. I didn't have enough strength left in my arms to pull myself over to the side or in my legs to even get them underneath me to stand up.  The whole afternoon I had not been self-conscious or embarrassed at all, except for this one.  I know I wasn't the only one who had gotten stuck, in fact, Dale and Kyle had been helping someone get up and through the pit right before I was stuck there-- like glue. When I realized that I was not going to be going anywhere and it was taking not one, not two but basically four people to help get me out, my insecurity was starting to surface.  I kept thinking about all the people who were around. This was one of the last obstacles so it was right in front of the lodge where spectators were watching along with everyone who was finished already. I felt like I was fighting back tears because it was taking 4 strong men to get my fat butt up and out of the mud. I struggled to get those thoughts out of my head. They eventually
got me up standing and moving again. I didn't have much energy left so I climbed over the side and walked through the much thinner watery side that was where we had first started rather than finish my way through the pit.

      I imagine insecure moments like that will be something I will struggle with for a long time. It's hard to retrain your brain to not be so hard on yourself, but I'm finding those moments to be fewer and farther apart.  I am proud of myself for what I accomplished at Mud-Stash. Others had believed in me that I could do it, I just had to prove it to myself and believe in my own strength.  I have no clue how long it took me to finish the course and honestly I don't care.  It was so much more than that for me. I let myself just have fun and enjoy life for once. Tackling things I never thought I could do is so empowering. I really think I proved to myself this time that I do have the strength and determination to accomplish whatever challenge or goal I set for myself.  Mud-Stash was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done but it was also one of the best. I can already tell that completing Mud-Stash has given me more confidence. When I was working out with Kyle this evening he had me doing that one arm row thing that scared me to death a few weeks ago, only this time I had to squat down and touch the floor with my other hand then pull myself up.  I didn't even think what if I fall nor did I feel any fear.  I already know I will not hesitate to sign up for the next Mud-Stash and whatever else challenge finds me. Who knows, maybe next year I will be one of those helping others out of the cement pit of mud.

Facing the next challenge

            Tomorrow I will be participating in Mud Stash 2012 at Perfect North Slopes. I have been looking forward to this for a while now, but I am also pretty nervous.  It's a 5K with different obstacles (and lots of mud) throughout the 3.1 miles, or check out this link to see for yourself  http://perfectnorth.com/page.php?pID=34 .  In one of my first posts I wrote about fear holding me back and the little voice inside my head telling me I can't. It took me some time to decide to go for it and as the day is quickly approaching  I've been trying to calm my nerves. Why in the world is this making me so nervous?  I know I am afraid I won't be able to keep up with the rest of the New Castle Anytime Fitness team or that I will be holding others back. I have spent my entire life worrying about what others think about me and not wanting to let others down. I have also been so self conscious because of my size and how I look that I've let it hold me back from just letting loose and having fun. I'm not one to go out and do wild and crazy things....(well besides a few times in college but that's a whole other story).... I'm also worried about actually accomplishing the obstacles. I want to do well but can I really climb a rope ladder? Kyle assures me I will do fine and the only thing I will have trouble with are the monkey bars....hello??!!?? rope ladder, climbing  up and over things...I don't have a lot of upper body strength or lower for that matter.  But he's my trainer and I trust him and know that he would not set me up for failure and be completely honest with me if he didn't think I could do this. Now it's up to me to believe in myself to go out there, try my hardest and perhaps most importantly have fun and enjoy myself. Laugh when I fall as I'm sure there will be a lot of slipping and sliding going on. And if there are obstacles I cannot do, try it and move on. Don't beat myself up over it, feel like a failure or worry about what anyone else thinks. I'm doing this for me and no one else. 

 

To be continued.......


  

Fourth Assessment: Six months into my journey

       I cannot believe it's been 6 months since I've started my journey. Nor can I believe all the physical and emotional changes that have taken place within those 6 months.  I weighed in today at 249lbs.  I am down another 16lbs and 12 inches. Although I have a lot more to go I am thrilled beyond belief with having lost 86lbs and 47.75 inches--in 6 months! This is an accomplishment I never would have dreamed I could reach especially in such a short time. In fact when I first started at Anytime Fitness, the goal I made for myself for my one year mark (which would be March 21, 2013) was 250lbs. I met that goal today, September 3, 2012.

   

I am amazed that I am 14 pounds away from losing 100 pounds.  100!!  I know I'm not supposed to focus on the number on the scale and Kyle usually does not set a certain number of pounds as my goal but this next 6 weeks I think we both agree I will be working to reach 235lbs. I know I have been working hard all along but this next 6 weeks I am going to push myself harder than I ever have. I know I am going to accomplish this and that statement alone speaks volumes about how much more I am starting to believe in myself.


    And you know, I think I can finally say for the first time in my life that I am worth it.  I am worth all this hard work. I am worth getting up early every morning to do an extra cardio session (that's another goal Kyle made for me this 6 weeks) or going to the gym every day after work for an hour or more. I am worth all the time I am spending planning meals and tracking.  I am worth making all these changes in my life including no longer allowing myself to be someone's doormat to walk all over. I am worth allowing myself to be loved and I am worth finding true happiness within myself. I have never felt worthy before and finally being able to say I am worthy of something is a huge step forward.
    
  

Creating a New Way of Life

     A lot of people, even people I do not know, have been asking me what my plan is and how I have been able to stick with it. So I thought I would share what has been working for me so far. 
Nutrition:  For an emotional eater like me this can be the hardest obstacle to tackle. When I first met with Kyle, he laid out my basic guidelines:  1300-1500 calories per day (I was probably drinking a third or more of that in pop a day!), have protein with every meal, eat mostly unprocessed, natural foods and each day strive for 40% protein, 40% carbs and 20% fats.  I eat a lot of chicken, salads, fruits, veggies, tuna, cottage cheese and greek yogurt. Greek yogurt has become my go to for snacks but I also use plain greek yogurt instead of mayo or sour cream. I love to mix it with salsa and use it as a topping for baked potatoes or anything Mexican. I have cut way back on breads, pasta and pop. I do get one 32 oz diet cherry vanilla coke on the weekends but other than that I drink mostly water. I try to drink at least 128 oz each day. I still splurge a little on the weekends so I don't feel deprived, but I try to stay within my calorie range.      

What has been vital to my plan is writing down ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I eat or drink in my food journal.  I use a calendar that has enough room to write in for each day and fits into my purse.  Kyle goes through my food journal at each assessment (at my first assessment I was so nervous about this part--I would have rather given him my diary of my deepest darkest secrets than let him read what I ate every day).

 This notebook has become so much more than just a place where I write down my food, water intake and workouts for the day.  In a way it's becoming another record of my journey.  I use the calendar as a tool to help keep me motivated. I keep my before and "current" pictures (I don't want to say after because I still have a long way to go...my after pic won't be until I hit goal!), quotes and scriptures that help inspire me, special words of support I have received from others through cards and e-mails, and notes about my successes aka woo-hoo moments and stumbles.
  
Workouts:    My easiest answer for this is:  I do what Kyle tells me to do. I do three strength training workouts a week (Tuesdays, Thursdays and either Saturday or Sunday) each focusing on different areas followed by at least a half hour of cardio. Two of my strength training sessions are with Kyle and the third I do on my own. Then I usually go to the gym for 30-60 minutes of cardio on Mondays, Wednesdays and when I can on Fridays. I usually do the elliptical for my cardio but will use the treadmill on an incline at times too.  On Saturday mornings Stacy, my friend Jill and I try to get together to jog/walk for a while. We try to do a timed mile at our own paces and then will walk some more laps together.
      I admit I have had to make some financial sacrifices in order to have a trainer, but it's been worth every penny. The way I look at it, the road I was heading down would end up costing me A LOT and not just financially.  Working with Kyle has really been key in my journey. He can push me beyond what I think I am capable of and would never attempt on my own. Sometimes when he is adding more and more weights or having me do something out of my comfort zone (like the one armed rows where I was afraid I would fall backwards) I swear I won't be able to do it, but I do what he tells me to do and what do you know, I can do it.  That alone has really helped build my confidence and made me feel stronger than I give myself credit for.

Keeping Motivated: I get asked a lot how I keep motivated and stick to my plan. This is harder for me to answer because there are so many things that play into this. When I started this journey I was at such a low place in my life, I hated myself and I was close to just giving up. I was tired of  going through the motions of life and being unhappy. So I made the choice that I had to make long term changes in my life and part of that was to be completely honest with myself about what my bad habits and poor self-esteem were doing to me and in turn to Toby. That helped me make the first steps and since then every little milestone I reach keeps me going (all those woo-hoo moments I've talked about before).  Like this weekend I realized that I am probably the lowest weight I have been since high school. I was in the dressing room at Goody's and wanted to try a size 20W to see if I was getting anywhere close to that size. In March a pant size 28W was tight and Friday one pair of size 20W pants fit and another pair was too big.  I can't tell you how many times in the past I would get mad or depressed in dressing rooms because nothing would fit right. This time I was dancing! That keeps me motivated and makes it easier to pass up things like sweets or greasy junk food. I'm in no way saying I will never have another mozzarella stick or hot fudge sundae again (in fact I succumbed to stress eating last Tuesday after a horrible day and had a hot fudge sundae after work not to mention the frozen margarita later that night--I'm still a work in progress and always will be).  It's just for the most part I try to think about how great it will feel to meet my goals and that means a lot more to me than how good something would taste right then. Even when I have a bad eating day or don't feel like I pushed hard enough during a workout, I try to forgive myself for the mess up and strive to do better the next time. If I would have gone overboard a few months ago, instead of it being one evening I would get mad and frustrated at myself and just give up.
      I definitely would not have made it this far without a great support system. They help keep me motivated as well as hold me accountable. I can turn to Stacy, Kyle, Jenn-my best friend from college, Jill and others when I need a little extra support, a hug or even a lecture (I can hear Jenn now telling me to stop selling myself short and to have a little faith in myself). And I admit other people's comments really do lift me up. Someone that I hadn't seen in a while told me tonight that I looked beautiful and was glowing. That made my day, especially since I don't see myself as pretty at all (but I didn't say ugly like I normally do so I am making a little progress). I've even had a few people tell me I have inspired them to start their own journeys or that these posts have brought them to tears. That touches me more than I could ever explain and makes me want to keep working hard.