Reigniting My Spark

     The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me to stay focused on my goals--partly because of the hustle and bustle of the holidays.   But also I'm just in a funk.  That's the only way to describe it. I've gotten to the point where I'm not being consistent with my meals or my workouts.  I'm not writing down everything I eat especially on the weekends. Instead of getting to the gym 6 days a week I'm pushing to get in 4.  Consistency has been a key component of my success so far so why am I letting myself screw this up? Granted I have a busy schedule, but I've had a busy schedule during this entire process and I was able to control my eating plus made sure to get in all my workouts.  There is no question that I am a lot more confident and happy than I was before I started this journey.  I love feeling strong and proud of what I've accomplished.  So why am I now finding some of those thoughts of self doubt and dislike are coming back to the surface and extinguishing the spark I've worked so hard to get?  It is almost like I'm afraid to let myself be truly happy and love this new person I'm becoming. Perhaps it's fear of rejection, disappointing others and fear of being alone; or it could be feelings of guilt and selfishness for making this journey my priority. Whatever the reason,  I am so quick to berate myself and beat myself up for even the littlest of things.
     Lately during my training sessions, Kyle and I have had many discussions about this funk I'm in and how detrimental bashing myself is to not only my weight loss but more importantly how I feel about myself. I really think he needs to change his job title from personal trainer to life coach.  He has been so instrumental to me during this journey, I will never be able to thank him enough.  I would not have been this successful without all his help, support, encouragement and butt-kicking when needed--like now. He is helping me finally see that telling myself I'm ugly, fat, a failure, a bad mom/friend/person is holding me back and does nothing to empower me.   I'm not perfect and need to stop kicking myself for every little misstep I make.  This is a journey which means there are going to be ups and downs, I'm going to struggle at times and flourish other times.  I need to find a way to think about those struggles as challenges and not obstacles that are going to cause any progress I've made come to a stand still. I've written before how much things from my past have effected how I feel about myself which in turn caused me to use food and my weight as a shield--a protector against the pain. I was just living life going through the motions. Then with my marriage failing and my tendency to beat myself when I'm down,  I got to an all time low.  Last Christmas I was at a point in my life that I really didn't care if I was alive or not.  Toby was the only thing that kept me going and I hate to admit it but it still took a couple more months before I finally gathered enough courage to make a change. I had to really dig deep and find that pure desire to want to change. I had to acknowledge that I didn't want to live my life the way I had been for so many years.  I had to get rid of my shield--lose weight and stop seeking comfort in food.  Maybe if I had viewed those times as challenges instead of struggles I wouldn't have let myself get to 335 lbs or feel such self-hatred.
       I am realizing now that the things I have viewed as challenges--like the boot camps, 5Ks and Mud Stash--I found the drive and determination to overcome those challenges. And when I did, I felt empowered and happy. Those challenges have been a huge part in getting my sparkle back--those were the things that have given me self-confidence and strength.  What I viewed as struggles--getting away from my nutrition plan, telling myself I'm a bad mom, thinking no one could ever love someone like me, and so on--causes my sparkle to disintegrate.  I want to reignite that spark and no matter what obstacle comes my way, find the power within myself to tackle it like I have other challenges and not approach it like a struggle that I'm not going to win. I want to keep that spark going and live my life empowered and with a passion for being happy, fit, and self confident. I also want to find a way to help others ignite their own spark as everyone--including myself-- deserves to shine!