Assessment 2/18/13: One way ticket to Onederland

     
     I'm not to Onederland yet, but I'm not upset with myself for that. In fact, I'm pretty happy about my 6 week assessment. I lost another 9lbs to bring my total lost to 130lbs and 4 inches for a total of 66 inches. I've lost a 5'6" person at a normal weight. Wow!!   I haven't been 205lbs since God knows when and last weekend I bought my first ever size 14 jeans. Even in elementary school I think I went from kids clothes to an 18.  I have visible muscles that aren't hidden under fat.  I may not be losing double digits at every weigh-in now (the last 3 have been 9-8-9 respectively) but I'm still seeing great results.    How can I be upset about not making it under 200lbs?  I will get there. It may not have been this time, who knows it may not be within the next 6 weeks but I will reach Onederland. As long as I can keep focused and keep pushing myself in my workouts and controlling my diet I will reach my goals.
    That's the challenge I'm facing right now--my diet. I have struggled the past 24 hours with food.  I've written before about how I used to binge on food. I haven't gone on an all out binge since I started this journey a year ago. I have splurged and treated myself but hadn't been on an uncontrollable binge like I used to regularly do.  I'm binging again--last night and today.  I don't understand why because I wasn't feeling upset or down. Nothing happened to make me turn to food for comfort like I had in the past so I cannot blame emotional eating.  I know I should write everything down that I have consumed and figure out the calories, but honestly I don't even know how much or what all I did eat. That's the scary thing---I just kept eating. Am I getting so close to a milestone that I'm sabotaging myself? Am I scared to cross that threshold?  I quickly lost control and already am feeling like I'm disappointing not only myself but everyone who has believed in me and helped me get to where I am. 

     Just stop it. I've come too far to resort to old behaviors. 24 hours of horrible eating is not going to undo everything I've worked so hard for. What will undo it is not reigning myself back in and get the binging under control. I finally have gotten to the point where I'm proud of myself and like what I'm seeing in the mirror. I have worked my ass off the past year and want to continue this lifestyle I have created for myself. So why am I taking steps backward?  I need to focus on the finish line. I have about 45 more pounds I want to lose and I want to get my fat % down by at least another 10-14%. I can't accomplish my goals without self-control and discipline.I've hit bumps before and have gotten right back on the road so I know I have the strength within me to keep going.  Now it's time to dig deep again and figure out how to end the self-sabotage.

Stepping outside my comfort zone

   

 "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. So if you are feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending"--Neale Donald Walsch

       This past year stepping out of my comfort zone has become a regular occurrence. Each time has begun with fear and nerves but then as I realize I can do whatever challenge it is I gain just a little more self-confidence.  Yesterday was one of those challenges.  A couple months ago, Kyle told me he wanted me to hold a seminar to talk with others about how I eat and what I have done to get the weight off.  In fact he made that one of my goals for the month of November. The first thing that ran through my mind was pure fear--public speaking is WAY outside my comfort zone. I write much better than I speak, but I hesitantly agreed to give it a shot on one condition---he be there too. I wanted to wait until after the holidays when more people are focused on goals for the new year. And perhaps a little of wanting to wait was me not having to face the fear right away. I could put it out of my mind for a while and postpone the nerves and fear. So we set Saturday, January 19 for me to hold a "Sparkle Seminar".
      As this past week progressed I started getting more nervous. The fear and insecurity was getting stronger. I was surprised anyone would want to come because I've never felt like I ever had anything worthy of sharing with others. Why would anyone want to spend their Saturday morning listening to me? But then when I think about it, a lot of people have been asking me how I've been able to lose over 100 pounds, so why do I doubt that I have anything to offer?  That's why I write this blog, to record my journey and hopefully to inspire others to start their own journey. It's important to me to help others reach their goals. I want other people to find that inner confidence and strength that I am discovering. I just need to stop automatically discrediting myself and believe in myself more.
      I admit I was amazed at how many people came for the seminar and as more showed up the more anxious I got.   Kyle was there for moral support  as promised and to step in if needed but shortly after I got started though, it felt natural. I was just up there talking with a group of women who like me struggle with their weight, their self-confidence and insecurities, and just need support and encouragement to take the next step. We ended up talking for 2 hours and by the end there were a lot of ideas shared, questions answered and honestly new connections made. Quite a few want to meet monthly to just talk and share what we've learned over the past 30 days. I had started a facebook group about a week ago called "Sharing Our Sparkle" to create an online community to do the same thing--share our journeys. To think that my Sparkle Seminar created an environment where others feel comfortable enough to want to keep meeting means the world to me. I have talked about how much my support team has helped me on my journey and now to share the sparkle and create support teams for others feels awesome.


 

  
 









 I feel like I am finally becoming passionate about life and it's because of all the times in the past year where I have stepped outside my comfort zone and tried the unfamiliar, the uncomfortable and the terrifying. It's true, life does begin at the end of your comfort zone. My first Sparkle Seminar was a success and I can see myself doing more things like that. This dream is starting to form in my mind that I want to become a trainer someday. I want to inspire others to get out of their comfort zones and find the happiness and strength that I have found.

First Assessment of 2013: Starting the year off strong

       Twelve weeks ago a goal was set for me to get under 200lbs by this weigh in.  I had only lost 9 of the 32 that I needed the first 6 weeks so had 23 more to go.  I slacked off throughout the Christmas season--not tracking my food like I should have and definitely splurging more often. My workouts weren't as regular as what they had been so I knew the reality of losing that much was slim. I even broke the no scale rule.  I weighed about 1 1/2 weeks ago and was exactly the same that I was at my prior assessment--222lbs.   However I made a decision that no matter what, I was not going beat myself up for not doing very well this past 6 weeks nor for not meeting my 12 week goal. I admit I did tell Jenn and Stacy to keep reminding me of that decision if I started to get upset with myself after my weigh in. But I was going to try my hardest to accept the outcome and use that as fuel to tackle the next 6 weeks.  So I was a little shocked when the scale showed 214 lbs.  I had lost 8lbs for a grand total so far of 121lbs!!  I lost almost 1% body fat which now brings me under 40% . I'm close to knocking 20lbs off my BMI from when I first started-- was 52.4 and  now 33.5.  And I'm down 4 more inches for a total of 62 inches lost. That is over 5 feet!  5 feet! I'm 5'7" which is what 67 inches?!?  I guess that explains why my sweatshirt I wear in the evenings is more like a robe now--it hangs down almost to my knees.
     I may not have made it under 200lbs this assessment, but I'm okay with that. I did not fail the last 12 weeks. In fact I think the opposite.  These past few weeks have been a success--a challenge but a success. I am feeling strong, proud...and empowered.  As for this next 6 weeks---I'm going to "one"derland!

The Power of One Word

      With 2013 right around the corner I've been thinking about all that has occurred this past year. It has been a year of ups and downs, but it is by far one of the best years I have ever experienced. I have grown and transformed so much this year, I feel like an entirely different person.  About this time last year, I was at a really low point in my life--Tommy and I had been separated for almost 2 months and I was so unhappy, alone and in so much emotional pain that I didn't have much hope for 2012. However, like most people I still set new years resolutions: mainly to lose weight (this was an annual one for me).   I had read a daily devotional e-mail http://fcaresources.com/devotional/2011/12/21/just-one-word-part-1 about focusing on a one word theme for the new year.  The author writes:

"It has been my experience that God quickly reveals His plans for the year regarding your one-word. That word (be it a discipline, fruit of the Spirit, character trait, attribute of God or even the name of a person) will brand you for life! Every day, you'll be blessed as you experience God revealing to you powerful truth about your one-word theme. Everywhere you turn, there will be new insights and valuable lessons associated with that word."

       When I read this I thought coming up with a theme word was a great idea and it wasn't hard to figure out what my one word would be:  SPARKLE.  After Tommy had gotten out of prison and we were trying to rebuild our marriage, my friend Linda had told me several times that I had lost my sparkle. She could see I wasn't happy and that my life seemed to be unraveling.   I'm not sure why it affected me as much as it did but I have never forgotten her words and am so thankful for those conversations with Linda.

July

January

Summit Lake 5K-June

Mud Stash--September

November

October

 Red Nose Run--December

         As I searched for my SPARKLE this year I attempted and accomplished so many new things that I never ever thought I would be able to do. I started doing boot camps and running 5Ks. And who would have thought that I would be lifting weights. I know I never imagined I'd be able to do dead lifts and straight bar squats. Perhaps the biggest physical accomplishment this year has been Mud-Stash.  Being able to complete difficult obstacles made my confidence soar.  I also have so much more energy and have gotten healthier. I'm no longer pre-diabetic, my triglycerides went from 254 to 74  and my blood pressure medication has been cut in half. My body fat percentage did not even register in March so it was probably well over 50% and as of the end of November was at 40% and my BMI has gone from 52.4 to 34.8.  For the most part I have moved out of the plus size section (except jeans and slacks but I'll get there) and  trying on clothes is a lot more fun than it used to be.  There have been stumbles as well and I have had to dig really deep within to overcome my fears and insecurities.  I have had to face painful events from my past and determine that I will no longer be a victim. I am a survivor and my past will not define me or my self worth.
     I still have a long way to go on this journey but as 2012 is coming to close I started thinking about my theme word for 2013.  I'm not leaving SPARKLE behind, I think that word will always have special meaning for me.  (in fact I'm considering getting a tattoo of something signifying my journey and finding my SPARKLE but I need to find the perfect design--so if you are artistic and creative let me know!)   One of the things I have discovered this past year is that I love feeling strong--physically, mentally and emotionally. I have found a drive within myself to want to keep pushing myself to the next level.  So for 2013 I want to find ways to EMPOWER myself. I want to stop doubting my own strength and abilities. I want to move past the self-doubt and insecurity I still struggle with and push myself to meet new challenges and face my fears. I already know some of the challenges that I will be facing this year:

 1. Meeting with a group and talking about what has been working for me on my journey and sharing tips to help others on their journeys--I'll be doing this on Saturday 1/19/13 and public speaking scares me so it will be a challenge.
2. Complete a mini marathon (New Castle will be holding a mini on 4/6/13--anyone want to join me?)
3. Lose another 62 pounds to get to my goal weight of 160.
4. Continue competing in 5Ks--hoping to improve my time each time and be able to run the entire 3.1 miles without walking.
5. More Mud-Stash!!!
    I know there will be a lot more challenges that will surface including bumps in the road that I am determined to view as a challenge and not a struggle.   It has been a long time since I've been this excited about the start of a new year, such a big change from last year. I have also realized that throughout this next part of my journey it is important to me to help EMPOWER other people.  I never thought I ever had anything of value to offer others or that anyone would ever be interested in what I had to say, but my blog has had 1700 views and so many people have been asking me for advice or tips and have told me that my story is inspiring that I've started thinking maybe I really can make a difference. This coming year I want to use this blog not only to record my journey but to challenge others on their journey. My first challenge for you is to come up with just one word for your 2013 and to use that word throughout the year to start or continue your journey.

Reigniting My Spark

     The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me to stay focused on my goals--partly because of the hustle and bustle of the holidays.   But also I'm just in a funk.  That's the only way to describe it. I've gotten to the point where I'm not being consistent with my meals or my workouts.  I'm not writing down everything I eat especially on the weekends. Instead of getting to the gym 6 days a week I'm pushing to get in 4.  Consistency has been a key component of my success so far so why am I letting myself screw this up? Granted I have a busy schedule, but I've had a busy schedule during this entire process and I was able to control my eating plus made sure to get in all my workouts.  There is no question that I am a lot more confident and happy than I was before I started this journey.  I love feeling strong and proud of what I've accomplished.  So why am I now finding some of those thoughts of self doubt and dislike are coming back to the surface and extinguishing the spark I've worked so hard to get?  It is almost like I'm afraid to let myself be truly happy and love this new person I'm becoming. Perhaps it's fear of rejection, disappointing others and fear of being alone; or it could be feelings of guilt and selfishness for making this journey my priority. Whatever the reason,  I am so quick to berate myself and beat myself up for even the littlest of things.
     Lately during my training sessions, Kyle and I have had many discussions about this funk I'm in and how detrimental bashing myself is to not only my weight loss but more importantly how I feel about myself. I really think he needs to change his job title from personal trainer to life coach.  He has been so instrumental to me during this journey, I will never be able to thank him enough.  I would not have been this successful without all his help, support, encouragement and butt-kicking when needed--like now. He is helping me finally see that telling myself I'm ugly, fat, a failure, a bad mom/friend/person is holding me back and does nothing to empower me.   I'm not perfect and need to stop kicking myself for every little misstep I make.  This is a journey which means there are going to be ups and downs, I'm going to struggle at times and flourish other times.  I need to find a way to think about those struggles as challenges and not obstacles that are going to cause any progress I've made come to a stand still. I've written before how much things from my past have effected how I feel about myself which in turn caused me to use food and my weight as a shield--a protector against the pain. I was just living life going through the motions. Then with my marriage failing and my tendency to beat myself when I'm down,  I got to an all time low.  Last Christmas I was at a point in my life that I really didn't care if I was alive or not.  Toby was the only thing that kept me going and I hate to admit it but it still took a couple more months before I finally gathered enough courage to make a change. I had to really dig deep and find that pure desire to want to change. I had to acknowledge that I didn't want to live my life the way I had been for so many years.  I had to get rid of my shield--lose weight and stop seeking comfort in food.  Maybe if I had viewed those times as challenges instead of struggles I wouldn't have let myself get to 335 lbs or feel such self-hatred.
       I am realizing now that the things I have viewed as challenges--like the boot camps, 5Ks and Mud Stash--I found the drive and determination to overcome those challenges. And when I did, I felt empowered and happy. Those challenges have been a huge part in getting my sparkle back--those were the things that have given me self-confidence and strength.  What I viewed as struggles--getting away from my nutrition plan, telling myself I'm a bad mom, thinking no one could ever love someone like me, and so on--causes my sparkle to disintegrate.  I want to reignite that spark and no matter what obstacle comes my way, find the power within myself to tackle it like I have other challenges and not approach it like a struggle that I'm not going to win. I want to keep that spark going and live my life empowered and with a passion for being happy, fit, and self confident. I also want to find a way to help others ignite their own spark as everyone--including myself-- deserves to shine!
   

Visions of Sugar Plums....

      

      Remember the challenges on Biggest Loser where they make the contestants be in a room with tons and tons of trigger foods and if they give in to temptation they are usually rewarded with some kind of power to help them in the game?  The contestant has to choose whether they want the game play or be true to their nutritional game plan.  Well from October to January 1 we are in constant environment of temptation.
        It all starts with fall--bonfires with roasted hot dogs and s'mores and trips to the orchard. You would think going to the orchard would be great because apples are good for you....but not when what you are going for are caramel apples and can't forget about those warm and yummy applesauce donuts.  And then comes Halloween where there is an endless supply of candy.  We survive Halloween and before we know it Thanksgiving is here.  At least Thanksgiving is just one day, granted a day full of traditional dishes that are "must haves" in your family.   A day you know will be filled with turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, pies...and more pies.    For the most part, I did really well with the first round of the holiday temptations.   I stayed away from the Halloween candy and we tried a few healthier variations in our Thanksgiving menu.  Some turned out great others not so great.  Stacy made a wonderful buffalo turkey and I made a sweet potato dish with pecans.  Those turned out great, but every year one of the must haves for Toby and Stacy's daughter Jessica are deviled eggs.  I had the "brilliant" idea to use greek yogurt instead of mayo. I've been doing that for the last few months in a bunch of things I fix and everything had turned out really good.  Let me tell you, it doesn't work with deviled eggs!  At least I was smart enough to only do a few with the greek yogurt so I didn't have Jess and Toby really mad at me.
       The next round of temptation is in full swing--the Christmas Season.  I say season because it's not one day like Thanksgiving. It's a whole month of constant temptations. I noticed this week it's getting harder and harder for me to stick to my nutritional game plan. I guess you could say I have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.  There are so many parties, lunches, special dinners, all day shopping trips, pitch-ins..the list goes on and on with events that will be loaded with food that is outside my plan of what I should be eating.  Today alone we had lunch provided for us at work plus this evening I had a Christmas party.  Pizza, cupcakes, cookies, punch.....I gave in to all those today.  Not to mention the past several nights where every evening was scheduled to the max and I inevitably picked up dinner at 9 or10pm.  I am not going to beat myself up about it. But this week was just the start of it. There are so many more events where I know I will be faced with all the yumminess of Christmas.  From the crab salad and caramel icebox cake at the hospital's annual employee Christmas party, our family Christmas with Snicker salad and fudge, to our traditional McDonald's coke and ice cream cone that we have as we drive around looking at Christmas lights after our church's Christmas Eve service--just about every holiday activity we do involves eating.
      I sound like all I think about at Christmas is food, but Christmas means a lot more to me than what goodies surround me.  I 'm just focusing on the food part because that's where I'm struggling right now.  I want to be able to enjoy and indulge in some--okay a lot---of these special treats.  But can I indulge conservatively so as not to derail months of hard work?  I didn't do a very good job of that this week. To make matters worse with my schedule this week my workouts have been short and have missed the past 2 days. It doesn't look good for tomorrow either. Okay, I need to remind myself that I said I wasn't going to beat myself up about it.  So now I need to figure out how I am going to handle myself the next time I'm surrounded by all the temptations around me.  The schedule for the next few weeks isn't much better than this weeks so I need to come up with a plan to get me through that lets me indulge without going completely off the wagon.  Is that even possible? I've already made one decision today...tomorrow is our Cookie Walk at church. We go every year and get one or two boxes of all different kinds of cookies.  I asked my mom if she would be terribly upset if we bypassed it this year. Luckily she agreed because tonight as I'm writing this I don't know if I have it in me to stay out of them if we did get some. I am a little worried about my self control now. I've done really good up to this point in standing strong that I can do without the tempting treats, but that is weakening a bit.  I know I'm not going to quit or give up on my goals. I've come too far and I still want to get into "one"derland hopefully by my birthday on January 15. However, I may be leaning on my "support team" more in the next few weeks and need some gentle nudging if you see me nibbling on a mini cupcake or if it's a big cupcake please knock it out of my hands!  Feel free to shake me and say what are you doing girl!  FOCUS!!  Don't forget your goals and most of all don't forget: 

Assessment #6: Did I do enough?

     At my last assessment a 12 week goal was set for me--get under 200lbs. That is my next big weight loss milestone and would mean needing to lose 16lbs at my assessment tonight. Sixteen pounds was the least amount I had lost at my other 5 assessments so achieving that was not really far-fetched.  I lost 9lbs and the first thing I said was it isn't 16.  Kyle assured me I had a great assessment, but I admit that nagging voice of insecurity was telling myself I failed and that I wasn't good enough. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have come so far in a short time but I am a little disappointed in myself for not reaching my goal. Did I work hard enough?  Did I let myself slack too much with eating?  Why can't I just be happy for myself for having just lost weight?    I know some people will not understand why I'm disappointed with a 9lb loss. From the look on his face, I'm not even sure Kyle understood since most people would be happy with 9lbs.   But I guess when you have spent years beating yourself up for not being good enough and not being able to love yourself, it's easy to return to that negative self-talk.  Tonight showed me that even though my confidence has grown by leaps and bounds I still have a long way to go to completely accepting myself and being proud of myself in all that I have accomplished especially when I fall short of a goal.
     Usually during my assessments there is not time for a workout, but Kyle had me do the workout of the day which was timing how long it took to do 100 squats with a cling and press using 12.5 lb dumbbells.  Every 2 minutes you stop and do three burpees (burpees are basically jumping down into push up position and jumping back up).  I finished in 8:58 which was pretty good and he said something about at 335 lbs would I have ever thought I'd be able to do a burpee and now I was doing them without much difficulty. He's right. Those are the accomplishments I have been drawing my strength and confidence from-not the numbers on the scale. Before I left the gym tonight I went to the wall of success (or as I like to call it the Loser board) and looked at mine, perhaps as a way to put things back into perspective. 

"Thanks to the staff at ATF and especially my trainer Kyle Watson, I have discovered within myself a sense of strength, self-confidence and determination that I never knew I had. I now have the drive, motivation and belief in myself to keep conquering my goals." 

 I re-read my quote and felt myself tearing up.  113 pounds is a lot to be proud of so why was I once again beating myself up?  (So now I'm beating myself up for beating myself up) So after a hug at the gym and spending the evening talking--actually texting-- to my "support group" (thanks Jae, Stacy, Leah, Aunt Joni, Jill and Charles), I'm realizing I need to focus less on getting under 200 lbs and more on the path that is going to take me there.