Facing my past

    This entry is hard for me to write but I keep coming back to feeling like this is something I HAVE to do.  I wasn't going to post this and just share with a few people who have been so very important in my journey thus far, but the more I think about it, I don't think I am going to be able to really move on without just putting it out there and acknowledging the past and the role it played in letting myself reach 338 pounds. I also need to admit that even after all these years I still struggle to deal with trying to move past all those insecurities and fears.
      I cannot explain how badly I wish I could look in the mirror and think "hey you know what Alicia, you are beautiful--inside and out" or that someone will tell me that one day and I actually believe them.   But I cannot see a day yet where that will happen. I have had things happen and allowed things to happen to me that  have made me feel ugly, disgusting and unworthy of being loved or even feeling like I matter in this world. I no longer hate myself or feel completely disgusted by who I am or what I look like, so that is progress but I'm a long way from thinking I look remotely attractive. I don't know why it is so important to me to feel pretty or beautiful. I guess it's important to any woman...or man for that matter. Who doesn't want to be considered attractive?  I know it doesn't sound like it but my confidence is growing and my self-esteem has improved so much, but when you have felt so horrible about yourself for so long it's hard to move past that.  It's time I put the past behind me. It happened and it's over. I'm not the same person I was then nor will I let it define or destroy me anymore. I am moving past the feelings of being unworthy and am discovering within myself someone who is strong and wants to be a confident, determined  and happy person.
     I'm not going to go into a long story about my past-- because it is not something I can go into great detail about and some of you I have already told (or you were there to help pick up the pieces). I don't want to relive those days, I just need to put pen to paper how those things made me feel and I'm getting to the point where I am understanding why I feel the way I do so much more clearly now and I am wanting to really change how I feel about me.  I'm also at the point in my journey where tackling my past doesn't hurt and bring me down like it once did. I cannot change the past. Even though it's taken many years for me to be able to turn it into a positive in my life, my past plays an important role in the person I am becoming.
    My mom and I always lived with my grandparents.  My grandma was diabetic and my grandpa was legally blind. Mom was a single mom and she needed their help with me.  I loved my grandparents tremendously and when I was 9 my grandma died the day before Mother's Day.  My grandpa was heartbroken and died the following March.  He was never the same after she passed away and that summer changed my life forever. I was way too young to be exposed to what he did to me and didn't understand why it was happening. I remember dreading the days when my cousin decided she wanted to stay home and not come into town and stay with us.  I was safe when she was there and he would leave me alone. He was never mean and I remembered him crying at times so I have to believe he didn't intentionally want to hurt me and that he wasn't really aware what he was doing.  After a few weeks I did tell some of what was going on to my mom but not much. I didn't want to hurt her. She talked to him and it did stop after that. The ironic thing is after she spoke to him, the three of us went for ice cream and it was like nothing ever happened. She and I didn't speak of it again until much later when I was in college and had just gotten out of a brief but very abusive relationship. I never pinpointed my dependence on food throughout the years until going through this journey.  Ice cream is still one of my main comfort foods. When I'm upset or down, that is exactly what I want to feel better.  Once I realized that moment when I was 9 is where my dependence on food started, I also realized that was when I really started gaining more and more weight. I had always been chubby but after that summer I steadily would get bigger and bigger. I cannot tell you how much I weighed in jr, high or high school but I think it was probably more than what I weigh right now.  My dependence on food got to the point where I would binge which carried over into adulthood and even now when I get upset or down I really struggle to fight the urge to binge. I get down or upset and I turned to food--any food.  Just the act of eating something helped numb whatever pain I was feeling. I would then turn the guilt for binging back on myself, telling myself I was a failure and fat and worthless. It was a never ending cycle.I know I could have easily become a bulimic but  I could never make myself throw up. 
    I think I used the weight to build a wall around myself to protect myself from being hurt. The uglier and fatter I was no one would want to touch me. It didn't quite work that way though. At 13 I started seeing an older guy that lived in my neighborhood. He was 18 and when he started to show interest in me I realized how much I wanted someone to like me. I found myself in a situation I could not get myself out of and I was not physically or mentally strong enough to stop him. I gave in and remember being so scared. He would have been deaf and blind not to know I was not wanting to, but he didn't care about that and after that I didn't care about it either. I started caring less and less about how I felt about myself and worried more about what others thought of me. I wanted so badly for someone to love me because I couldn't love myself. I would start seeing a guy (and definitely not the right kind of guys---unfortunately most of them were quite a bit older than me and either already out of school or had dropped out and really were only interested in one thing). But I could only go so far and they would leave because they considered me to be a tease. That would in turn make me turn to more food and beating myself up about not being good enough for anyone to love. Thinking about it now, I guess during that time I did have a little self worth left albeit not much. If not I probably wouldn't have stopped them and just did anything they wanted to.
   I had friends in high school but only a couple close friends. I wasn't one that went to a lot of social events. I wanted to blend in and not be noticed. Any confidence I had was tied into my school work. I studied constantly and was a perfectionist. I was not satisfied with anything less than an A. I guess it was the one thing I had control over and something I excelled at. I graduated 3rd in my class and had high hopes for a new start at Butler. I excelled at Butler too, made the Dean's list and got involved in a bunch of different organizations--even leading a few of them. I didn't do much of the whole frat party thing as I was too self-conscious and felt out of place.  Joining a sorority was definitely out of the question. I think I was relatively content at Butler. I did have a lot of fun and met some great people. Met my best friends Jenn and Frances and have some great memories of college. Then I met Saeed.  He was a foreign student from the United Arab Emirates who moved in down the hall from me. We started seeing each other, but it quickly turned into a bad situation. Perhaps it was his culture, my fear of men and strong desire of wanting *anyone* to love me. I'm not sure and I will never know, I just know that what happened in that short month we were together brought everything back from when I was 9 and 13. It got to the point where I wouldn't put up any fight, just let him hit me and use me. I'm not proud to admit that but at that time I could have cared less about whether I lived or died. If it wasn't for Jenn and Frances, especially Jenn I probably would not have survived. Saeed moved off campus and then I finally broke free. I was a total and complete mess though. I couldn't sleep. I was lucky if I got an hour a night. Jenn and Frances took anything from my room that I might hurt myself with. I don't know if I really would have tried killing myself although I wanted all the pain to end.  I hated myself, I was damaged, and after that time period was when I really remember feeling so worthless and disgusting. How could anyone ever want to be with someone like me? After all, I had let all those things happen to me. I started skipping classes and just didn't give a damn about anything.
     I probably should have taken some time off school but I refused to go home because what happened with Saeed brought up the memories of my grandpa. I couldn't be in the same house that everything had started in.   I can't remember what got me started in counseling. I couldn't say whether it was something I knew I needed to do if I wanted to survive or if Jenn and Frances convinced me to go. I just know I went and they put me on trazadone just so I could get some sleep at night and start dealing with my messed up life. It did help me sleep but I felt drugged or hung over most of the time. I think I went a couple times a week to counseling. It's strange I can remember just about every detail of what happened before counseling but during that time I think I just kind of shut down and became foggy on some things.  Maybe that was my brain's way of letting me work things out. Slowly I started putting the pieces of my life back together. Luckily most of my professors knew what kind of student I had been and worked with me but I did have to drop a couple classes.  I stayed in counseling until she wanted to start talking about my weight and what I felt like was her wanting me to blame my mom.  I stopped going and for the most part after that I was doing okay except I would get flashbacks and have horrible nightmares. I remember all of a sudden I would just be in a trance and I wouldn't know anyone else was around me. I would see, feel, smell, hear Saeed and I would be back in his dorm room. My counselor had taught me enough on dealing with the flashbacks and getting through my days that eventually I was able to know how to stop them when they started. I do feel like I dealt with the fact that I was molested and raped and for the most part have been able to put that behind me. I just hadn't dug deep enough with what those things did to how I felt about myself. And at times I wonder if I have fully forgiven myself for letting what happened lead me to some of the poor choices I made. I had such little self respect. After Saeed I seemed to do the same like I did in high school only this time I didn't have any feelings of self worth left. I didn't care what I did or who I did it with. Definitely not proud of that and even writing it now makes me feel disgusted. But it happened, there is nothing I can do to change that and I know I'm not that person anymore.
     When Tommy and I started seeing each other, he made me forget about the hell I had gone through. I could get through my days without all the pain. Finally I thought I had found someone who truly loved me and I fell for him so fast. I almost lost my best friends over it and I'm so thankful that I didn't.  For the first time in a long time I felt safe and loved.  I honestly do not know how it was possible considering how low things had gotten for me (plus I had Toby halfway through my fourth year), but I graduated from Butler with high honors.  The flashbacks disappeared and for the most part so did the nightmares. I still had nightmares occasionally but for the most part it was behind me. I was a new mom, Tommy and I got married and I focused on trying to be the best wife and mom I could be.  I never really focused on myself, but rather everything I did was for them. Then after Tommy went to prison all my focus went to Toby and trying to give him as normal a life as possible. I never took the time to focus on me nor did I really think much about how little I liked myself. As I've said in one of my first blog posts I was going through the motions. Life was happening to me not the other way around.  
      Once Tommy came home, I thought finally I'll be happy. I put all I had into rebuilding our marriage and our family.   But still didn't put any time into rebuilding myself.  I let Tommy walk all over me throughout our marriage, believing one lie after the other, forgiving him when he cheated and didn't give up on him while he was away.   After I had found the pipe in his shirt pocket almost a year ago now, I just gave up. I stopped trying to keep our marriage together and accepted the fact that partying and whatever else he was doing was always going to be more important than Toby or me.  I couldn't do it anymore, I was miserable and he had disappointed us again. At first maybe calling an end to our marriage was more because I couldn't put Toby through that again. He was 4 when Tommy went away and at the time we separated he was 13. He knew things weren't right and knew I was miserable.  It's a big wake up call when your teenage son keeps asking why I kept giving Tommy chance after chance.   
      When this journey started I knew I had to really look inside myself and be completely honest if I wanted to really change my life. I needed to find myself and believe in myself. I needed to discover that I wasn't just taking up space in this world. I deserved to be here and I deserved to find happiness. I've had a lot of successes in this process but there have been down times too.  In May the nightmares came back more frequently than they had in a long time.  When they would wake me up I felt so terribly alone and thought about giving up trying to lose weight and getting healthy if it meant I was going to be reliving all that again.   I think that was when I really had to dig deep inside myself and tackle how my past had helped create the self-hatred and all those feelings of unworthiness that I had felt for so long. I honestly think that will be a very important part in making this transformation lifelong and not resort to binge eating and gaining the weight back or being a doormat for anyone to stomp their feet on.   Over the past few months I've had different times where I pick apart the past and now I'm connecting the dots. I'm no longer afraid to face the past. When trying to decide whether I was actually going to post this for anyone to see or not and after talking it through with a couple friends, the main thing that was holding me back was not wanting to hurt anyone or wanting anyone to think differently of me. They both helped me realize I have to do what is right for me and I truly think that is not hiding behind what happened anymore or being ashamed.  That's what this entry has been for me---acknowledging what I went through, living with the choices I made and using all of that to move forward and become stronger.  I know I'm not there yet, I still have a long way to go.  I still place too much emphasis on what other people think of me rather than how I feel about myself. I still need to learn to love myself before anyone else can love me the way I deserve to be loved. And like I said in the beginning I still want to someday feel pretty and attractive. But  I'm definitely not the same person I was in high school, college or even a few months ago. I respect myself now and will not compromise what I want out of my life anymore.

Get Fit Wish List

      My life has changed so much the past few months. I feel like I am transforming into a completely different person and am gaining confidence I have never had before.  I am wanting to try things that I always thought would be fun but never thought I would actually consider doing them.  I have always been too scared or thought I was too fat to try.   So I thought it might be fun for me to write a wish list of some of the things that I want to be able to do as I lose weight, from the simplest things like being able to buy something besides lotion at Victoria's Secret to the crazy and daring like sky diving.

My Get Fit Wish List

• Buying clothes without having to shop in the "plus size"
• Wear cute dresses and maybe even high heels
• Being able to buy something at Victoria's Secret
• Learn how to swim
• Take a long country drive on the back of a motorcycle.
• Go horseback riding 
• Rollercoaster rides 
• Bungee Jumping

• Go Hiking--I would love to go to Brown County or Turkey Run during Fall Break this year but so far haven't found anyone who would like to go yet.
• Sounds crazy but I want to ride a mechanical bull, probably would need to have a couple drinks beforehand to actually get on one but I think it would be fun.
• Run a half marathon
• Hot-air balloon ride
• Sky Dive   

• ZIP LINE

       Two or three years ago Toby and I were in a summer "boot camp" at our church. At the end of the summer all the families in the boot camp had a special outing to Camp Yale in Winchester where we could do a rock climbing wall and zip line. I thought it would be so much fun to do but I would not even attempt it. I kept thinking I would break the line. I always regretted not even trying it and now it has become one of my greatest desires. I think stepping off that platform will be a huge leap of faith just like walking through the Anytime Fitness door for the first time was.

      I do not want to let fear hold me back anymore. I've let fear take over so many times in my life. Now that I am getting stronger and more confident I want to explore and try things that are out of my comfort zone.  I am learning how important it is to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to and to keep pushing forward, setting new goals and striving to become happy with who I am.

Mud-Stash 9/8/2012: Challenge Met

     What was I worried about? I was so nervous in the days leading up to Mud-Stash  that I was starting to freak myself out a little wondering what in the world had I gotten myself into. I kept reminding myself to go out there and have fun and try my best, but I admit I was a little (ok, a lot) afraid that I wouldn't be able to do it.  Once we got to Perfect North Slopes and started getting our costumes on  I realized you can't be too freaked out when everyone on your team looks like this: 

Anytime Fitness New Castle Mud Stash Team

Headed to the starting line

And we are off!

I didn't realize how much of the 5K would be uphill. Yes, I know we were at ski slopes but I hadn't thought much about that part, which was probably a good thing since I was already nervous enough.    There were a lot of obstacles throughout the course and they were definitely challenging--some more so than others.  I have to admit though I was shocked at how much I could do, especially the rope ladders and some of the obstacles we had to climb. I never thought I would be able to go up a rope ladder, climb over the log or whatever platform there was and back down the other side. I never would have even attempted it a few months ago. I'd be so concerned about falling or the rope not being able to hold me that I wouldn't want to embarrass myself by trying. But once again I proved to myself that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 
       Did I fall? A lot!  Did I struggle pulling myself up a muddy hill with a rope?  Most definitely! Did I need help to keep from falling or getting up after I fell? Yep!  Did have an absolute blast?   YES!!   I found myself looking forward to what the next obstacle would be and couldn't wait to try it.   My favorites were probably the water slide and lily pads. The only way I could figure to tackle that one was to lie on my stomach and pull myself from one to the next.                                                 

I did every obstacle except for the monkey bars which should have been a lot sooner in the course.  By the time we got to that one I was worn out! I walked around it but next time I will at least try it. There was also this big metal barrel to go up and over and I just could not get my body on it. I almost went around it and said aloud I can't do this one.  I'm learning not to let your trainer hear you say you can't do something because the next thing I know there was this voice telling me I wasn't going around it, I was going to do it. Thanks Kyle for being that
voice when I'm letting my own voice of doubt get in the way.

 The biggest challenge for me at Mud-Stash was one of the last obstacles.  It was basically this huge pit of thick mud that someone said was like quicksand. I thought it was like being in cement. And I got stuck like I was in cement.  I got maybe halfway through but as soon as you slow down it gets hard to move through. I was not going anywhere. I didn't have enough strength left in my arms to pull myself over to the side or in my legs to even get them underneath me to stand up.  The whole afternoon I had not been self-conscious or embarrassed at all, except for this one.  I know I wasn't the only one who had gotten stuck, in fact, Dale and Kyle had been helping someone get up and through the pit right before I was stuck there-- like glue. When I realized that I was not going to be going anywhere and it was taking not one, not two but basically four people to help get me out, my insecurity was starting to surface.  I kept thinking about all the people who were around. This was one of the last obstacles so it was right in front of the lodge where spectators were watching along with everyone who was finished already. I felt like I was fighting back tears because it was taking 4 strong men to get my fat butt up and out of the mud. I struggled to get those thoughts out of my head. They eventually
got me up standing and moving again. I didn't have much energy left so I climbed over the side and walked through the much thinner watery side that was where we had first started rather than finish my way through the pit.

      I imagine insecure moments like that will be something I will struggle with for a long time. It's hard to retrain your brain to not be so hard on yourself, but I'm finding those moments to be fewer and farther apart.  I am proud of myself for what I accomplished at Mud-Stash. Others had believed in me that I could do it, I just had to prove it to myself and believe in my own strength.  I have no clue how long it took me to finish the course and honestly I don't care.  It was so much more than that for me. I let myself just have fun and enjoy life for once. Tackling things I never thought I could do is so empowering. I really think I proved to myself this time that I do have the strength and determination to accomplish whatever challenge or goal I set for myself.  Mud-Stash was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done but it was also one of the best. I can already tell that completing Mud-Stash has given me more confidence. When I was working out with Kyle this evening he had me doing that one arm row thing that scared me to death a few weeks ago, only this time I had to squat down and touch the floor with my other hand then pull myself up.  I didn't even think what if I fall nor did I feel any fear.  I already know I will not hesitate to sign up for the next Mud-Stash and whatever else challenge finds me. Who knows, maybe next year I will be one of those helping others out of the cement pit of mud.

Facing the next challenge

            Tomorrow I will be participating in Mud Stash 2012 at Perfect North Slopes. I have been looking forward to this for a while now, but I am also pretty nervous.  It's a 5K with different obstacles (and lots of mud) throughout the 3.1 miles, or check out this link to see for yourself  http://perfectnorth.com/page.php?pID=34 .  In one of my first posts I wrote about fear holding me back and the little voice inside my head telling me I can't. It took me some time to decide to go for it and as the day is quickly approaching  I've been trying to calm my nerves. Why in the world is this making me so nervous?  I know I am afraid I won't be able to keep up with the rest of the New Castle Anytime Fitness team or that I will be holding others back. I have spent my entire life worrying about what others think about me and not wanting to let others down. I have also been so self conscious because of my size and how I look that I've let it hold me back from just letting loose and having fun. I'm not one to go out and do wild and crazy things....(well besides a few times in college but that's a whole other story).... I'm also worried about actually accomplishing the obstacles. I want to do well but can I really climb a rope ladder? Kyle assures me I will do fine and the only thing I will have trouble with are the monkey bars....hello??!!?? rope ladder, climbing  up and over things...I don't have a lot of upper body strength or lower for that matter.  But he's my trainer and I trust him and know that he would not set me up for failure and be completely honest with me if he didn't think I could do this. Now it's up to me to believe in myself to go out there, try my hardest and perhaps most importantly have fun and enjoy myself. Laugh when I fall as I'm sure there will be a lot of slipping and sliding going on. And if there are obstacles I cannot do, try it and move on. Don't beat myself up over it, feel like a failure or worry about what anyone else thinks. I'm doing this for me and no one else. 

 

To be continued.......


  

Fourth Assessment: Six months into my journey

       I cannot believe it's been 6 months since I've started my journey. Nor can I believe all the physical and emotional changes that have taken place within those 6 months.  I weighed in today at 249lbs.  I am down another 16lbs and 12 inches. Although I have a lot more to go I am thrilled beyond belief with having lost 86lbs and 47.75 inches--in 6 months! This is an accomplishment I never would have dreamed I could reach especially in such a short time. In fact when I first started at Anytime Fitness, the goal I made for myself for my one year mark (which would be March 21, 2013) was 250lbs. I met that goal today, September 3, 2012.

   

I am amazed that I am 14 pounds away from losing 100 pounds.  100!!  I know I'm not supposed to focus on the number on the scale and Kyle usually does not set a certain number of pounds as my goal but this next 6 weeks I think we both agree I will be working to reach 235lbs. I know I have been working hard all along but this next 6 weeks I am going to push myself harder than I ever have. I know I am going to accomplish this and that statement alone speaks volumes about how much more I am starting to believe in myself.


    And you know, I think I can finally say for the first time in my life that I am worth it.  I am worth all this hard work. I am worth getting up early every morning to do an extra cardio session (that's another goal Kyle made for me this 6 weeks) or going to the gym every day after work for an hour or more. I am worth all the time I am spending planning meals and tracking.  I am worth making all these changes in my life including no longer allowing myself to be someone's doormat to walk all over. I am worth allowing myself to be loved and I am worth finding true happiness within myself. I have never felt worthy before and finally being able to say I am worthy of something is a huge step forward.
    
  

Creating a New Way of Life

     A lot of people, even people I do not know, have been asking me what my plan is and how I have been able to stick with it. So I thought I would share what has been working for me so far. 
Nutrition:  For an emotional eater like me this can be the hardest obstacle to tackle. When I first met with Kyle, he laid out my basic guidelines:  1300-1500 calories per day (I was probably drinking a third or more of that in pop a day!), have protein with every meal, eat mostly unprocessed, natural foods and each day strive for 40% protein, 40% carbs and 20% fats.  I eat a lot of chicken, salads, fruits, veggies, tuna, cottage cheese and greek yogurt. Greek yogurt has become my go to for snacks but I also use plain greek yogurt instead of mayo or sour cream. I love to mix it with salsa and use it as a topping for baked potatoes or anything Mexican. I have cut way back on breads, pasta and pop. I do get one 32 oz diet cherry vanilla coke on the weekends but other than that I drink mostly water. I try to drink at least 128 oz each day. I still splurge a little on the weekends so I don't feel deprived, but I try to stay within my calorie range.      

What has been vital to my plan is writing down ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I eat or drink in my food journal.  I use a calendar that has enough room to write in for each day and fits into my purse.  Kyle goes through my food journal at each assessment (at my first assessment I was so nervous about this part--I would have rather given him my diary of my deepest darkest secrets than let him read what I ate every day).

 This notebook has become so much more than just a place where I write down my food, water intake and workouts for the day.  In a way it's becoming another record of my journey.  I use the calendar as a tool to help keep me motivated. I keep my before and "current" pictures (I don't want to say after because I still have a long way to go...my after pic won't be until I hit goal!), quotes and scriptures that help inspire me, special words of support I have received from others through cards and e-mails, and notes about my successes aka woo-hoo moments and stumbles.
  
Workouts:    My easiest answer for this is:  I do what Kyle tells me to do. I do three strength training workouts a week (Tuesdays, Thursdays and either Saturday or Sunday) each focusing on different areas followed by at least a half hour of cardio. Two of my strength training sessions are with Kyle and the third I do on my own. Then I usually go to the gym for 30-60 minutes of cardio on Mondays, Wednesdays and when I can on Fridays. I usually do the elliptical for my cardio but will use the treadmill on an incline at times too.  On Saturday mornings Stacy, my friend Jill and I try to get together to jog/walk for a while. We try to do a timed mile at our own paces and then will walk some more laps together.
      I admit I have had to make some financial sacrifices in order to have a trainer, but it's been worth every penny. The way I look at it, the road I was heading down would end up costing me A LOT and not just financially.  Working with Kyle has really been key in my journey. He can push me beyond what I think I am capable of and would never attempt on my own. Sometimes when he is adding more and more weights or having me do something out of my comfort zone (like the one armed rows where I was afraid I would fall backwards) I swear I won't be able to do it, but I do what he tells me to do and what do you know, I can do it.  That alone has really helped build my confidence and made me feel stronger than I give myself credit for.

Keeping Motivated: I get asked a lot how I keep motivated and stick to my plan. This is harder for me to answer because there are so many things that play into this. When I started this journey I was at such a low place in my life, I hated myself and I was close to just giving up. I was tired of  going through the motions of life and being unhappy. So I made the choice that I had to make long term changes in my life and part of that was to be completely honest with myself about what my bad habits and poor self-esteem were doing to me and in turn to Toby. That helped me make the first steps and since then every little milestone I reach keeps me going (all those woo-hoo moments I've talked about before).  Like this weekend I realized that I am probably the lowest weight I have been since high school. I was in the dressing room at Goody's and wanted to try a size 20W to see if I was getting anywhere close to that size. In March a pant size 28W was tight and Friday one pair of size 20W pants fit and another pair was too big.  I can't tell you how many times in the past I would get mad or depressed in dressing rooms because nothing would fit right. This time I was dancing! That keeps me motivated and makes it easier to pass up things like sweets or greasy junk food. I'm in no way saying I will never have another mozzarella stick or hot fudge sundae again (in fact I succumbed to stress eating last Tuesday after a horrible day and had a hot fudge sundae after work not to mention the frozen margarita later that night--I'm still a work in progress and always will be).  It's just for the most part I try to think about how great it will feel to meet my goals and that means a lot more to me than how good something would taste right then. Even when I have a bad eating day or don't feel like I pushed hard enough during a workout, I try to forgive myself for the mess up and strive to do better the next time. If I would have gone overboard a few months ago, instead of it being one evening I would get mad and frustrated at myself and just give up.
      I definitely would not have made it this far without a great support system. They help keep me motivated as well as hold me accountable. I can turn to Stacy, Kyle, Jenn-my best friend from college, Jill and others when I need a little extra support, a hug or even a lecture (I can hear Jenn now telling me to stop selling myself short and to have a little faith in myself). And I admit other people's comments really do lift me up. Someone that I hadn't seen in a while told me tonight that I looked beautiful and was glowing. That made my day, especially since I don't see myself as pretty at all (but I didn't say ugly like I normally do so I am making a little progress). I've even had a few people tell me I have inspired them to start their own journeys or that these posts have brought them to tears. That touches me more than I could ever explain and makes me want to keep working hard.
     
     
     

A Bump in the Road

      Every journey has its ups and downs and this week has definitely been more down than up. Just when I thought I had the emotional eating conquered, this past Sunday was pretty much all emotional eating. Granted I didn't do as bad as what I would have a few months ago but still deep dish pizza probably wasn't the best meal choice when feeling down. That little voice that was getting quieter started speaking up loud and clear the past few days. Starting Saturday night all those thoughts of not being worthy started creeping back in to my mind. I admit the feelings came on after a conversation with my ex-husband. I know I shouldn't have gotten upset by finding out he's living with someone now, especially since I have absolutely NO desire to be with him but to be completely honest with myself I have to acknowledge that was what got me down. The now loud voice in my head started in again with all the negative crap about being ugly, fat and forever alone. I found myself feeling like a failure because I couldn't make my marriage work and for letting myself be so unhappy for so long.
      All day Sunday all I wanted to do was sleep or eat. So I did a lot of sleeping and a little too much eating. Then by Sunday evening I was feeling guilty and mad at myself. I imagine a lot of people can identify with that vicious cycle. It starts with feeling a little down or mad, lose some self control and eat too much or whatever your destructive habit is then feel lousy and mad at yourself because you weren't strong enough to overcome what got you down in the first place. I probably should have just gone to the gym and worked out but Sunday is my day off and I chose the more destructive path. At least Monday I had more control over the emotional eating and I did go workout and for the most part back on track. It has just been difficult to quiet that voice again.  I've spent over 25 years of my life telling myself I was ugly and not worthy of being loved and I know it's going to take a lot longer than a few months to bury those feelings forever. I hope that one day I can look in the mirror and see a pretty face looking back. I just don't see that. And if I can't see that, how could anyone else?
       So although I have made huge strides in getting my sparkle back I still have a long way to go and a lot of issues to work through. Some people will probably think I'm crazy for writing this and putting it out there for anyone to see, but I know there are other people who have these internal battles and maybe by sharing my down times as well as the good I can help someone else work through their pain while helping myself with mine.  I think not letting those down times turn into a downward spiral shows that I am making progress. Yes I lost some control on Sunday and wallowed in my self pity and I was in a funk for most of this week but I could have completely given up and not cared anymore like I have done so many times in the past.
        I did get out of my funk but not by myself.  It was actually a Facebook post that snapped me back to where I needed to be. Kyle had shared my blog on his Facebook page as an update to my "amazing story" as he put it. But it was the part he wrote about what challenges we could face in our lives if we found my courage that really got me. The tears started flowing because I have never considered myself courageous, quite the opposite actually. I've been fearful of so many things in my life and I'm sure that fear played a big part in getting to 338 pounds. I'm slowly realizing that it has taken courage to make the changes I've made in my life this year. It definitely takes courage to document and share some of my innermost thoughts and fears. All this makes me vulnerable but also makes me stronger.