A Bump in the Road

      Every journey has its ups and downs and this week has definitely been more down than up. Just when I thought I had the emotional eating conquered, this past Sunday was pretty much all emotional eating. Granted I didn't do as bad as what I would have a few months ago but still deep dish pizza probably wasn't the best meal choice when feeling down. That little voice that was getting quieter started speaking up loud and clear the past few days. Starting Saturday night all those thoughts of not being worthy started creeping back in to my mind. I admit the feelings came on after a conversation with my ex-husband. I know I shouldn't have gotten upset by finding out he's living with someone now, especially since I have absolutely NO desire to be with him but to be completely honest with myself I have to acknowledge that was what got me down. The now loud voice in my head started in again with all the negative crap about being ugly, fat and forever alone. I found myself feeling like a failure because I couldn't make my marriage work and for letting myself be so unhappy for so long.
      All day Sunday all I wanted to do was sleep or eat. So I did a lot of sleeping and a little too much eating. Then by Sunday evening I was feeling guilty and mad at myself. I imagine a lot of people can identify with that vicious cycle. It starts with feeling a little down or mad, lose some self control and eat too much or whatever your destructive habit is then feel lousy and mad at yourself because you weren't strong enough to overcome what got you down in the first place. I probably should have just gone to the gym and worked out but Sunday is my day off and I chose the more destructive path. At least Monday I had more control over the emotional eating and I did go workout and for the most part back on track. It has just been difficult to quiet that voice again.  I've spent over 25 years of my life telling myself I was ugly and not worthy of being loved and I know it's going to take a lot longer than a few months to bury those feelings forever. I hope that one day I can look in the mirror and see a pretty face looking back. I just don't see that. And if I can't see that, how could anyone else?
       So although I have made huge strides in getting my sparkle back I still have a long way to go and a lot of issues to work through. Some people will probably think I'm crazy for writing this and putting it out there for anyone to see, but I know there are other people who have these internal battles and maybe by sharing my down times as well as the good I can help someone else work through their pain while helping myself with mine.  I think not letting those down times turn into a downward spiral shows that I am making progress. Yes I lost some control on Sunday and wallowed in my self pity and I was in a funk for most of this week but I could have completely given up and not cared anymore like I have done so many times in the past.
        I did get out of my funk but not by myself.  It was actually a Facebook post that snapped me back to where I needed to be. Kyle had shared my blog on his Facebook page as an update to my "amazing story" as he put it. But it was the part he wrote about what challenges we could face in our lives if we found my courage that really got me. The tears started flowing because I have never considered myself courageous, quite the opposite actually. I've been fearful of so many things in my life and I'm sure that fear played a big part in getting to 338 pounds. I'm slowly realizing that it has taken courage to make the changes I've made in my life this year. It definitely takes courage to document and share some of my innermost thoughts and fears. All this makes me vulnerable but also makes me stronger.