Mud-Stash 5/11/13: Because I Can

   
 

Love my blue tutu

  Several people have asked me why in the world would I want to spend my Saturday climbing ropes, walking (and lots of falling) in mud, getting stuck in mud pits, getting so dirty that you just throw your clothes away instead of trying to wash them, not to mention the scrapes, bruises and sore muscles.  In fact someone today saw the cut on my leg and asked why I would put my body through such strenuous things....my reply was quick and simple...."Because I can."   I spent so many years telling myself I can't.  I can't lose weight. I can't drive. I can't be pretty. I can't run. I can't be alone.  I can't (on and on and on) because I'm ________ (insert fat, weak, a failure, ugly, unworthy, unlovable--you get the picture).  If my first Mud-Stash last September taught me anything is that I CAN.   I CAN face these huge obstacles and figure out how to overcome them. Even if I don't quite conquer them at the time, I make it a goal for the next time.  I CAN push myself to do better than the time before. I CAN act crazy and silly and not worry about what other people think. I CAN accomplish these amazing things because I have learned to believe in myself and push my mind and body beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. 

           Participating in Mud-Stash this time was so different than in September. The excitement far outweighed the fear and I could tell a huge difference in my stamina and strength.  I also noticed that my balance no longer sucks (or at least not as sucky!)! It's not the greatest but it's a lot better than it was. Sure I fell a lot but I also kept myself from falling a lot more this time. I even threw in some zumba arm moves as I was slipping and sliding and actually regained balance (Zumba Lew would be proud!).  The biggest fear I encountered this time was crossing platforms floating in the water.

I can't swim (that's on my list to turn into an I CAN this summer) and am afraid of deep water....even though I knew this wasn't deep just the thought of falling in and not being able to pull myself back up on the platform was scary. I made it across but was on the very last one before I went completely on my own without reaching  for someone's hand for help.

The Second Wall

        A new obstacle this time were 2 wooden walls to climb over. The first was about half the size of the second. There was very little to hold on to and just small wooden ledges that barely held the side of your foot enough to where you could push yourself up. I was able to make it up and over the smaller wall and was leary about even trying the second one.  Even though I'm right around 200lbs sometimes my mind does revert back to thinking like I'm still 335lbs--questioning whether the wall would be strong enough to hold me.  But I wasn't going to go around it. I would try and if I couldn't quite conquer it then that would go on my goal list for the next time I do Mud-Stash.  But with a little help I did get up and over the second wall.  There wasn't really anything to hold on to as you came down the other side so I pretty much slid down the wall.  I made it down in one piece but I did take out one of my teammates (sorry Kim). She did survive.
       The monkey bars are still on my "to conquer" list for this coming September. It's definitely something I am going to start working on now. I at least attempted them this time, but wasn't able to move forward any. So I held on for a few seconds and dropped down into the mud.
 
    Another highlight this time was that I was actually able to help other people. One of my fears the first Mud-Stash was about me holding my team back and being to slow.  So many of my teammates stayed back and completed the entire course with me. That was such an awesome feeling knowing that these people who were in a lot better shape than I was cared about whether I was able to complete the course and stayed back to help me.  So there was not any question in my mind that I was going to do whatever I could to help anyone finish the course.

Up the cargo net

          

Ice Pit

Last September stuck in the mud

The biggest goal I had for Mud-Stash this time was to make it through the mud pit without getting stuck and having Kyle, Mason, Dale and some other big guy basically lifting me out of the pit. I was completely spent by the time I had gotten to this point last September and as soon as I couldn't move (in the mud pit from hell as I like to call it), all those feelings of self-conscious fear and insecurity were running through my head.  I had fought back tears because I was the fat girl stuck in the mud too weak to stand on her own two feet.   

   
As I was approaching the mud pit this time I did have a moment hesitation wondering if I could get through it on my own.  It was just a moment though. I knew that no matter how hard I had to push myself I was going to get through that pit. 

I think I can...I think I can

I know I can

 While I was going through I did hear a couple people yelling my name which felt completely awesome. They knew what this moment meant for me in my journey-- that I am determined to overcome all the fears that had held me back in the past--that I have gained not only physical strength but an inner strength that is transforming me into this strong, confident person that knows that I CAN make and achieve my goals.  At the end of the pit Dale was there with a great big hug and he told me how proud he was of me. That meant a lot to me. I wish Kyle and Mason were there as well to celebrate that special moment with me.  Tears were coming this time too....not tears from being self conscious and afraid...but tears from feeling empowered...tears of being a Sparkle Warrior.

The last obstacle

Woo-hoo! We did it!!

One of the best things about Mud-Stash is how everyone bands together to help each other finish the course. It isn't about how fast you can get through the obstacles or what your time is when you are done....what it IS about is pushing yourself and not stopping until you and everyone else on your team crosses that finish line with you.   It's about making sure that each and every one of us CAN overcome whatever obstacles are put before us...whether it's a mud obstacle course or life's struggles...and that we need to band together as a family to help each other succeed.

WE   CAN.....AND WE  DID

"I am more than the number on the scale."

     "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale."   

      I admit I've become a little obsessive with what the scale says and let it dictate whether I feel like a success or failure.  Maybe I shouldn't say I've become a little obsessive but rather I have always been OVERLY obsessive with my weight. I'm surprised my trainers haven't made me write "I am more than the number on the scale" 100 times on the chalkboard, but then again they kick my butt in the gym which gets much better results--and making me sweat and sore probably gives them greater satisfaction than what a hand cramp writing would do. 
       I hit a rough patch that was turning into a downward spiral of binges and self-defeating thoughts so I knew when I weighed in this week I had gained. I knew it could very well be back over 200 pounds and it was.  I did get upset and tried to fight back tears but I think it was the blow I needed to regroup and focus on my next step.  Even though I had wavered and at times questioned myself as to whether I was giving up, I'm a fighter and I'm determined to continue my life-changing transformation.  But I need to teach myself to approach my goals differently. I need to stop worrying about whether or not I'm over or under 200lbs. If I eat right and work out hard I will continue to get healthier, fitter, happier and more sparkly.  In order to do that I need to really focus on my achievements and successes I have had on this journey that have nothing to do with what the scale says.

 

  I will be repeating one of my biggest achievements this Saturday, May 11:  MUD-STASH!!  Last September I ran my first 5K obstacle course through lots and lots of mud.  I was terrified from before I had signed up for Mud-Stash until the time we crossed the starting line.  This time is completely different for me. I cannot wait until Saturday and am so excited to see how much stronger I have become in the months since my first Mud-Stash.   It was the hardest physical thing I had ever done and my confidence grew tremendously after I conquered this challenge. 

I was quite surprised how well I did do in September. The only obstacle I skipped was the monkey bars. I did need help with some of the other obstacles like the mud pit (or as I like to call it the cement pit or the mud pit from hell), but I'm hoping this time to be more of a help to others. We have lots of newbies going and I hope I can help them like people helped me when I was the newbie.  My biggest goal for Mud-Stash this year....make it all the way through the mud pit.  By the time the 4 big muscular guys dug me out of the pit, I was so exhausted, I didn't have enough energy left to keep going through the pit.   Even though I struggled I didn't give up. And I'm not giving up now.  I wasn't thinking about what my weight was while I was at Mud-Stash,  I was not telling myself I couldn't do it because I was over 200lbs, but rather I was thinking wow, I've never felt this strong before.

Training for May's Mud-Stash

      I will be going into Mud-Stash without fear. I have transformed a lot since last September and have never been healthier or stronger.   I know I'm going to kick ass on the obstacles! I am determined to break free from the hold the scale (and food) has on me, and focusing on accomplishments like Mud-Stash will help me do just that. Like anything on this journey it isn't going to happen overnight and at times it may not be easy, but I believe in myself like never before and will overcome whatever challenge    presents itself!!  I've got this!

  

Time to put the gloves back on

     I blew it again--I have done more than overeat.  This weekend was one long continuous binge. Not only that but I haven't been giving my all to my workouts and have even been skipping them all together. THIS IS IT!  I REFUSE to let myself undo all the hard work I have done to get my sparkle back.  Right now the only person who is trying to dull my sparkle is the old me trying to resurface.   I have overcome so much on this journey and I'm not going to throw in the towel now.   It's time to dig myself out of this self-defeating frame of mind and remember how far I have come and how great I felt when this picture was taken:

 

I was shining bright and on top of the world that day. Nothing was going to break my spirit or dull my sparkle--this was the moment I had been fighting so hard for. So what happens, I reach that huge milestone and a few short weeks later I am finding myself stressed out, unable to sleep, dwelling on the past, skipping workouts and going on all out binges not caring what crap I put in my mouth???  I am supposed to weigh in tomorrow and to be honest it would not surprise me if it shows that I'm back over 200 lbs. But I cannot let the number on the scale be an excuse to continue allowing myself to derail. I will NOT continue to breathe life into the old me who was filled with self-hatred and fear. It's about time I start to believe the new me is here to stay and the old me no longer exists.

    Tomorrow is the start of a new week and a new chapter in my journey.  It's time to put the boxing gloves on, trust in my inner strength and crush whatever obstacle stands in my way. No more skipping workouts or eating like crap. I will devise a plan to get back on track. I will plan out my meals, commit to my workouts and devise a plan to start tackling the stress I am under.  I will claim my power and knockout that voice telling me it's getting too difficult to continue. I am determined to fight for the life I want to live and not let fear or anything else hold me back. I will persevere!

       Overwhelmed.....feel like I'm drowning.....this weight crushing down on me......stressed...don't know where to start, what to do first.....not enough time in the day....emotional....on the verge of tears.   These are all things I have said over and over the past couple of weeks.  When I start feeling like this is when controlling what I eat gets the hardest.  For several weeks I have stuck to a "clean" eating plan and was doing really well with it. But as life's stresses started mounting up again my resolve to clean eating kept getting weaker and weaker.  I turned to my old crutch...ice cream.  I could hear that little voice in my head telling myself one spoonful won't hurt.  It probably wouldn't hurt much unless one turned into two then three and so on--which it did. Then that evil little voice says "you've already screwed up so get something else. You'll get back on track tomorrow."  So that's what I did.  Then I got mad at myself for being weak.  It's a vicious cycle and just when i think I've broken free, it smacks me right in the face again.  I know I will always struggle with my relationship with food.   I talked to my trainer, Megan and she told me I have to find a way to stop letting food have power over me. She is right.  I know I need to learn how to view food as fuel my body needs not as an indulgence or source of comfort, but how do I do that?  I've struggled with food issues all my life and I know some may not be able to understand why or how foods like ice cream can fill that painful emptiness or bring a sense of calm and peace during those stressful time like now. However, I am sure there are many of you who are reading this who know exactly what I mean.  I went on the worst binge I've done in a long time a couple of nights ago plus skipped a couple of workouts. It has made me realize just how easily it would be to revert to my old habits if I were to give in to the stress and uneasiness that I am feeling.  There is something that is different this time though... I refuse to go back to the old me. I'm just having a hard time sorting through all that is on my mind.
         During my weekly session with Kyle last Friday we had another what I call "therapy session" where we end up talking about why I'm struggling and what I'm going to do about it rather than working out.  He brought up a few things that have really made me think this week--like should I just maintain my weight right now until I can work out some of the stressful situations I am facing. But everyone has stress in their lives and it doesn't go away. There will always be something in our lives that causes worry, stress, fatigue, pressure and all the other things that pushes us away from what we are trying to achieve. I'm not going to use stress as an excuse to not reach my goals. However I do think I need to concentrate on some things other than the number on the scale.
         Right now maybe I should just focus on getting past my fears of driving. It's embarrassing and I hate to admit it but, I'm 37 years old and have never had my drivers license and to make matters worse I will more than likely be getting mine close to the same time that my son does.  I have held a permit before but always let it expire.   I cannot even begin to explain my irrational fear of driving other than knowing I have let fear hold me back from so many things in my life.  I do not know why when I'd get behind the wheel I would feel this immobilizing sense of fear and panic, but I did. Perhaps it was just lack of self confidence and believing in myself. I've gained a lot of confidence on this journey and finally feel like I am ready to tackle this obstacle.  Kyle took me to get my permit the beginning of April and even though it was just a written test I was scared and extremely nervous.  Crazy, I know!  It was another week before I'd even get behind the wheel other than sitting in the driveway and putting the van in the garage (which is a feat in and of itself because of another source of stress--it's a really tight fit in the garage because of all the "stuff" in there that needs to be gone through and gotten rid of). But I have gotten in over 10 of the 50 hours I have to log before I can get my license. I'm still scared to death and have to give myself a mental pep talk every single time I drive but I'm doing it and it is getting a little easier. I even braved 70 coming home from Greenfield Friday night.
            Then Saturday I drove to my aunt's new place in Rushville and on the way back my mom wanted to stop at the cemetery where my grandparents are buried.  I don't really remember the last time I had been there. It brings back painful memories and this time was no different.  It was so strange because the night before my grandpa was another thing that Kyle and I talked about...Have I truly dealt with what happened like I thought I had?  I still turn to ice cream for comfort but shouldn't that be something that utterly disgusts me because of how that became my go to source for comfort?  I went through counseling in college and at that time pretty well went through almost every detail of what I faced that summer and the abusive relationship and bad situations I let myself get into as a teenager. The fact that it I'm reluctant to talk to a counselor now about it does make me question whether I really did deal with it, but I do not think I want to reopen those wounds and go back through the details. I had another "therapy session" this week with Megan this time and we talked quite a bit about the past and how it was holding me back.  I am a lot stronger now and someday I might have to address it on a deeper level but I don't want it to drag me down or have the nightmares or flashbacks come back on a regular basis.  I do not want to be afraid of my own shadow again or have my skin crawl whenever someone touches me.  Last night was the first night in quite a while since I'd had a nightmare and wasn't able to sleep afterwards. I know it happened because of the way I've been feeling this week and that does prove I've not fully dealt with it. I'm not going to let the past control me though.
            So how am I going to overcome this challenge?  I'm going to take a step back and spend the next few days really looking at what I want to focus on for right now.  I want to come up with a plan to tackle the areas causing me the most stress and ones I can control right now:  finances, work, house and my relationship with food.  I still want to lose weight but I do think I need to find some balance in the other areas of my life so that I feel in control and not so overwhelmed. I need to give myself a little slack and remind myself how far I have come. I've lost 140lbs and conquered so much. I may not have completely conquered my past but for now I need to leave it in the past. I know someday I will have to reopen that chapter of my life for my journey to be complete, but for now I think if I can get the other areas under control, the stress will ease and the thoughts and nightmares that flare up at times will disintegrate. I am a fighter and a survivor and these challenges will only continue to make me stronger.