Waking up

     Last night's post about how far I've fallen off track and how I've let my former self take reign again was my way of sending a wake up call to myself. A way to hold myself accountable again.   The only person who can change the way I feel about myself is me.  Not my family, my trainers, my awesome support team...me and only me.  I need to fight my toughest opponent on the other side of the ring.....myself.  No one is holding me back except for me.  

    Part of holding myself fully accountable is stepping on the scale today.  See where I am at, try not to compare it to where I was but use it for what the scale should be--a tool to assess what I need to do to move forward toward my goals.  It is a stepping stone to help me pick myself up, dust off and start turning the charcoal into bright sparkly diamonds again. I know I am not where I was a few months ago, physically or mentally but I also know I will fight to get myself where I truly want to be.  Did I get upset when I stepped on the scale....hell yeah...there were tears and feelings of defeat and failure....but it's a set back...not a start over....Did I gain?? Yep, not as much as I had thought but pretty damn close.  But it doesn't matter.  That number does not matter and I refuse to let it define how I feel about myself....what happens next is what matters....the steps I take to pull myself out of this unhappy place I am in right now is what matters.  Maybe it's seasonal--the winter blahs, or my unhealthy relationship with food or perhaps the severe depression I suffered from for most of my life has reared its ugly head again. I don't know yet, but I do know I uncovered something tonight after my assessment during my lifting workout with Megan. There is this bad-ass super girl waking up inside of me ready to fight for herself. 

Unless you have felt it for yourself, it's hard to explain how lifting weights can ignite that spark deep inside. But that's what lifting does for me--it empowers me and reminds me just how far I've come. Sure a lot of my lifting workouts are just working on physical strength, but there are those instances like tonight where it's the inner strength (the bad-ass super girl) taking over and proving to my former self that all these doubts and fears I feel inside that have been bringing old habits back are no match for super girl.  She will prevail....I will prevail...no matter how many times I fall down...no matter how many times I may have to go back to the drawing board for a fresh start or to figure out what path I want my journey to take.  

 

A hard look at myself

  I've been beating myself to a pulp lately because I know I am putting weight back on. I feel like a failure because I know I have gained.   Although I haven't stepped on a scale for about 3 months, I know I have gained because my clothes are getting tighter and I have thrown everything I know about nutrition out the window.  I've been dismissing all the progress I have made since I started my journey because I have gained. I have gone back to drinking the diet cherry vanilla cokes on a regular basis. I wake up in the middle of the night and raid the kitchen cabinets binging on whatever I find.   I know I am gaining more than just a few holiday pounds but that makes me want to eat more. I look in the mirror and see the fat me taking over and I'm letting her--I keep going back for more and more food knowing in a couple days when we ring in 2014 that I will attempt going back to clean eating. But the fat me has me scared that maybe I can't do it this time. Maybe I can't stick with it for the 2 solid months my trainers want me to before introducing a cheat day every 2 weeks. Maybe I don't have what it takes to reach the goals I want to reach.  I am addicted to food. It makes me feel better when I am down. It's what I turn to for comfort when I feel sad and alone--which this past month I have felt A LOT. My relationship with food is what makes or breaks me and I know that I will ALWAYS have that struggle in my life. I'm feeling like a freaking failure because I have given up on myself the past few weeks. I've let myself eat like crap...having more cookies, ice cream, sweets and chocolate than real food. Why?? Why am I letting my former self that I fought so hard to change take over?   I keep thinking about this quote that I saw posted on Facebook recently:

"The first and greatest victory to conquer is Yourself. To be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile."


That's where I am at right now....letting the old, unhappy and unhealthy me conquer the person I was becoming. I'm letting her stomp out the sparkle I worked so hard to find. Is this where I want my journey to end? Do I want to end up back at the beginning, unhappy, unhealthy and overweight? Do I want to go back to where I can't get out of bed because I am so depressed and miserable?  Do I want to go back to where I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath?  I found myself in the gym parking lot earlier today in tears feeling like a failure when I saw this woman struggle to get out of her car. That could have easily been me a little less than 2 years ago and will be me if I give up. But after working out I still felt sad and down, so what did I do after I left the gym?  I went to get a diet cherry vanilla coke and then to Famous Recipe for chicken strips. I had that then more chocolate and  finished off the pint of Ben and Jerry's I bought yesterday plus the rest of a bottle of blackberry wine--and nights like this are happening more and more frequently.  Those are not the actions of someone who says she has all these fitness goals and milestones she wants to meet. That is why I am feeling like a failure...a fraud..... I have been using the holidays as an excuse to give up...an excuse to stop striving for what I say I want...an excuse to let old habits resurface and take over.  I've written before how little self esteem I had and how much I hated myself so why am I letting those feelings come back when I know how good having that sparkle feels?

     I need to learn to love and accept the new me no matter what size I am, no matter what the scale says...no matter if I'm in a relationship or not...no matter where I am at with my goals.   I haven't come this far to give up and quit on myself which is exactly what I've been doing the past few weeks. This started as a personal journal entry but I quickly realized in order to start picking myself back up I needed to take a hard, honest and open look at what I have been doing.  I need to put this out there because it is a part of my journey. Now it comes down to what my next steps will be. How will I reignite that spark and conquer the part of myself who keeps holding me back?  There are only 2 days of this year left and instead of spending those days feeding the negative feelings and giving energy to my former self, I am going to take a walk back through 2013 and revisit the good things that happened, the milestones I reached and prepare myself for a fresh start to 2014.

Who is she?

     What does it mean to be a strong, confident, beautiful and fit woman? I think that is what most of us women who are on this journey to live healthier is searching for, but who is she? What features or characteristics stand out the most?   Is she the woman who always has a smile on her face that people are just drawn to or the serious one with the no holds bar kick ass attitude? Is she the one who is spontaneous and fun, lives for the moment and says whatever is on her mind, or the one who can handle pressure with ease and has a plan for any situation?  What does she look like? Is she feminine and curvy or lean and muscular? Is she someone who can squat or deadlift as much as the guys or run the fastest mile? Is she physically strong plus has an inner strength that can't be shaken?  Is she a combination of all these things?

      I'm sure our vision of a beautiful, fit, strong and confident woman is different for each of us and that image will evolve many times as we grow and transform in our own journeys.  What I've been wondering a lot lately though is will I ever get there? Will I ever be able to say (and more importantly believe) "Yes, I am strong and confident, I am beautiful. I am in shape and fit."   When I first started my journey a year and a half ago my I never imagined my life would transform into what it is now. I've had some incredible highs, reached a lot of milestones and overcome emotional obstacles, but there have also been plenty of bumps in the road along the way.  And most of those bumps are the same ones I hit over and over again. I still doubt my self-worth and at times lack confidence.  The past couple of months I've really struggled with being able to look in the mirror--at times all I see is a manly ugly beast. I tend to focus on any negative comments (even if it's from one person) and disregard the many positive comments I hear and that is then when the self-doubt sets in.  I start asking myself are my muscles nasty and gross even though in my vision of what the strong and confident woman looks like she is muscular and physically strong.  So then why do I even question whether I'm too manly looking?  Maybe it's just that my vision of beauty and strength is different than someone else's vision.
 
     It's those conflicting feelings though that hold me back from becoming the strong woman I want to be.  I let the self-doubt turn into a larger obstacle (more like a huge mountain) and I start feeling weak and questioning everything. I'm not alone in this though. I think there are a lot of women who go through these constant battles within themselves.   What I tend to forget is that in fighting these battles we ARE making ourselves stronger and the stronger we become the more we will allow that fit and beautiful woman within us shine.

   

   

     

   

   

   


   




     

How bad do I want it?

    I've struggled before during my journey. I've had many ups and downs, gone through enough emotional roller coaster rides that would make anyone's head spin. I've gone through different phases where I'm on top of the world then all of a sudden feel lost and have no clue what I am doing.  But NEVER before have I struggled getting into the gym. I've never struggled with wanting to work out.  Even when I may not give it my all, I'm there and make it a point to get in a workout.  The past couple of weeks, I've cancelled a couple training appointments, skipped some of my 4am incline treadmill workouts and just not gone in.  Yes, I had a busy schedule and had to make some adjustments, but never have I not made it a priority. Then the past couple of days it's become more than that.  I couldn't get myself to go.  Then yesterday, I made up my mind I had to go, I got to the gym parking lot, sat in my hot van for 10 minutes in tears because I didn't want to walk through the door.  Why?!?!  What in the world is going on with me?
    I wrote the majority of this blog earlier today at the gym sitting on the floor in the movie room in tears.  I know I'm on a path to self destruction and I'm the only one who can stop it. I cannot continue to give up on myself and right now that is what I am doing.  How bad do I want to reach my goals?  How bad do I want to be happy with who I am?  How important to me is this new person I have created?  I need to wipe away the tears, stop hiding in the movie room, stop being a wallflower again and get my butt back to the battle ropes and finish my workout.  If I have to cry while doing it so be it, but I'm not a quitter.

Earlier this spring--on a good battle rope day

    I am getting so mad and upset with myself right now because I cannot get through 40 seconds of squat jumps with power slams on the battle ropes. I keep giving up.  I made it to 30 seconds a few minutes ago--told myself okay 10 more seconds, I can do this, but what did I do? Threw the ropes down and said I can't (plus a few other choice words).  Is that REALLY showing how bad I want this?  This is exactly what I have been doing off and on since I first reached my milestone of less than 200lbs.  It's becoming a pattern, I'm on the top of my game, nothing can stop me--I eat clean, don't cheat, workout at least 6 days a week, the scale does down, I'm looking and feeling great.  Like this past month I've lost 14 lbs since July 29, I submitted my story to the Rachel Ray show, decide I'm going to do a half-marathon in November--I'm feeling strong and empowered but what do I do??  I start listening to that nasty little voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve this new lifestyle that I've created. I start listening to the people I care most about when they say I'm not around, not there for them when they need me or that I care more about myself and my happiness than I do them. I start listening to other people who say I work hard so I deserve to treat myself and to stop obsessing over everything I eat or don't eat. I listen to others saying I'm not going to be able to keep this up forever, I need to slow down and enjoy life, not be so regimented. 
    So what do I do? I give up on myself. I start thinking I can't control what I put in my mouth so I eat. This is the first time though that it has effected my workouts.   I let the guilt and selfish feelings creep in. I feel like I'm a terrible mother and daughter and that me becoming happy and confident with who I am is at their expense.  Megan said something to me this morning that really got me thinking. She said when I'm me and just being me I shine but as soon as I let what others say or think in I crumble and lose sight of what I want.  She's right--there is not an in-between with me.  When I'm focused I'm on top of the world and everything is great but as soon as I let the outside world in I panic and push that button that starts screaming out "caution, this person will self-destruct in 10 seconds..10...9...8....7.....at times I can switch it off at this

point but other times I can't shut if off and I start struggling with wanting to eat (getting better about not binging but still using food to feel better...lately it's been spoonfuls of peanut butter or last night getting an ice cream sandwich from the freezer after already having a protein bar, taking 2 bites then getting so mad at myself for turning to food that I toss it at my mom telling her I can't handle having that in the house right now). The scale starts going up again and I feel like I'm losing control.  It's those times I might get down to 3 or even 2 on the self destruct scale before I find that power within me to shut it down before I implode.  That’s why I was in the ATF parking lot crying yesterday or why I’m back in the movie room yet again writing in tears because I cannot push through 40 seconds.  I haven't been able to switch off the self destruct mode. 

       This is not what I have fought so hard for the past year and a half to become. I have not worked my ass off to become a whole new me to give up every few weeks. How bad do I want to work for this new attitude, this new body, this new life? How bad do I want to strive to reach my goals? How bad do I want to sparkle? 
    So where do I go from here? First I have to wipe away the tears, put the pen down and get out of the movie room and push through 40 seconds of squat jump power slams. I cannot let the battle ropes beat me today. If I do what happens if that self destruct counts down to 0?
      My trainer in Greenfield, Matt, has had me watch Eric Thomas' motivational video  "How Bad Do You (REALLY) Want It?" several times and one thing I thought of today as I was crying in the movie room was from this video, "Don't cry to give up. Cry to keep going."  I don't think I have ever stopped and started a workout as much as I did today.  Pretty much every paragraph written in this entry is when I quit and went back to the movie room (plus a couple other times before I felt like I had to start writing).  Finally after 2 more tries I got through the 40 seconds.  I hit a breaking point today, but I didn’t let it break me.  I fought through the tears just like yesterday when I did finally get out of the van and went inside the gym.  I feel drained, emotional and a little overwhelmed right now, but I realize I wasn't crying because I was quitting, I was crying to find the strength buried inside me to fight through.  The battle with the battle ropes today was my way of hitting the shut down on the self destruct button.  I'm not going to quit, this may have been the closest I've come to completely imploding but I'm fighting through, will regain focus, work hard to find some balance, and put on the "incredible shrinking woman's" sparkly super hero cape and keep fighting through each and every battle that comes my way. 

Revamping the Get Fit Wish List

     Last September I made a Get Fit Wish List of some of the things I hoped to be able to do as I was losing weight and getting more physically fit. I thought I would revisit this list, share what I've been able to check off and add a few more.  Although at times it's been extremely difficult and at times my emotions have taken me all over the place, it's been an amazing journey so far and it's not over yet.    

Here's what I've been able to check off my list from my blog post from last September plus a couple others I didn't have on the post: 

• Buying clothes without having to shop in the "plus size"
• Wear cute dresses and high heels--wear the heels more than the dresses, but I have a couple cute dresses I can wear just not the occasion to where them to yet
• Being able to buy something at Victoria's Secret
• Made it through the mud-pit at Mud-Stash  

• Riding on the back of a motorcycle --this happened yesterday thanks to a new friend and her fiancee   (can't wait to go again--would love for a long ride through the country!)
  
  
  
  
  

•  Conquered the next level of box jumps                                                  
  
  

•  199 on the scale
• Get my driver's license--this is perhaps one of the biggest accomplishments I've made on this journey second only to letting go of the self-hatred and learning to love and believe in myself.

 I have found as I've grown stronger and more confident the more adventurous I am also becoming. I'm wanting to do things that I have always feared or never thought I'd be able to do because of my size. Am I becoming an adrenaline junky?? Even when I wrote the list last September some of it was so far in the distance that it still didn't seem possible that I could check them off. Now I'm changing them from a Get Fit Wish List to a Goal List. These are things that I'm not just "hoping" to do someday. Some of these are goals that even if I'm not physically able to accomplish yet I'm going to start doing the work that will help get me to where I can check them off one at a time. 

 

Here's my new goal list:  

• Goal weight: I am trying to put less focus on the number on the scale and redirect it to my other goals, however I still have a goal weight of 150-160 in mind. I did go through a rough patch and got back up to 214 not too long ago but am continuously working on the emotional eating issue (in fact revisiting the Get Fit Wish List is my knockout punch in the face to the inner battle tonight of wanting ice cream to dull something weighing heavy on my mind vs staying strong and not giving in to the emotional eating. It's a work in progress but for this time it worked--I left the ice cream alone and did not cave to using food to feel better.)  I am already back down to 203 and will continue on the path to reach my next weight goal of 175. Once I reach that I think I'll have a better idea of how much more I'd like to lose or if I've reached a weight I am happy with.
• Learn how to swim--I have always had a huge fear of deep water but am ready to tackle that fear
• Conquer the monkey bars at Mud-Stash in September--working hard on this one already
• Pull-ups--this goes hand in hand with the monkey bars, hopefully conquering one will help with the other 
• Go horseback riding 
• Roller coaster rides--both the horseback riding and roller coasters have been something I've always wanted to do but was afraid of breaking the horse's back and being humiliated if I tried to get on a roller coaster but had to get off because I couldn't fit
• Bungee Jumping
• Go Hiking--am hoping this will be marked off this fall with a camping trip this fall to either Madison, IN or Turkey Run.
• Yes, I still want to ride that mechanical bull
• Run a half marathon--heck lets make it a marathon 26.2 miles. I want to do a 10K this year and half marathon next spring and work my way up to a marathon
• Ice Skating
• Hot-air balloon ride
• Sky Dive---the date is set for this:  MAY 10, 2014 
• ZIP LINE--I don't want to do one of the traveling zip lines at different events just so I can get it marked off my list. I want to get a group together and go to Brown County or Go Ape (a zip line obstacle course!) at Eagle Creek Park. Any takers?
• I haven't completely decided on this one so I guess it would be on my "wish" list, but I love lifting weights so maybe someday do a weightlifting or cross fit competition. Something along those lines.

 It's amazing to think of all the things I have already accomplished and the possibility--no certainty--of many more accomplishments that lie before me.  With hard work and determination I will keep checking things off this list and creating new goals to reach....after all as a friend reminded me I AM a sparkly, rock star lady beast.

Reaching a HUGE milestone

   

     Today I finally got my driver's license---at the age of 37.  I know to many who may be reading this are probably thinking "wow what is wrong with this girl?"  Driving is something just about every teenager cannot wait to do. Well for me, it was something that would send me into an instant panic attack.  Just thinking of getting behind the wheel made me shake, unable to breathe and want to throw up---I felt pure fear. The longer I put it off the worse that panic became and the more embarrassed I was. I think my mom had given up on me ever driving and honestly I never thought I would be able to.   I was paralyzed and ashamed by my fear of driving but I couldn't say what caused that fear.  I was never in a bad wreck or witness to one that would possibly have caused it.   If you've read any of my prior blog entries or have known me you know self-confidence has never been one of my strengths so maybe it was the fear of failing or of having to rely on myself.   It was just this huge insurmountable wall that I built up inside my mind. I didn't believe in myself even with something that most find such a simple and routine task.  I know it probably sounds ridiculous to be that afraid of something you need to be an independent person. Perhaps that was what it was....the fear of being strong and independent?  Afraid I didn't have what it took to be able to rely on myself?  That reminds me of this motivational quote I found not too long ago:

 I had never believed in myself or believed I was strong, capable, even worthy of  living. So if something scared me I just let it take over and immobilize me.  I let myself be consumed with that fear and made myself believe it's something I would never overcome. So once again I had given up on myself.  I was clinging onto that shaking branch and just waiting to fall off. I let my fear of driving hold me within the safety zone of my house and prevent me from living a full, independent life.  So what changed?  What made me want to overcome something I never believed I could do?

       Kyle had taken me to get my permit the beginning of April and even though I was just taking the written test I was terrified. Once I got my permit I still questioned whether I was going to be able to get behind the wheel.   In fact the first time I did I just sat in the driveway, shaking and trying not to burst into tears. I still hadn't made it out of the driveway those first couple of weeks when Kyle gave me a deadline (and a pretty stern text message)...10 hours driving time logged by May 6th or he was going to arrange for me to take a drivers ed course. That did help give me the push (or kick in the butt) I wasn't doing for myself and little by little I did get out of the driveway. Before long I was driving on I-70 with my friend, Debbie Robbins  back and forth to Greenfield for my training sessions with Kyle on Fridays and did a lot of the driving to Bloomington and back for the girls weekend I had with Jenn and Frances. Once I started getting more of the 50 hour required driving time logged and feeling a little more at ease behind the wheel we set a new deadline--get my license by the end of June.   So about 3 weeks ago I scheduled my test for today, Saturday, June 29th. 
         All of this past week though I had been getting more and more nervous and afraid. I went with my mom and my aunt to Blue River School last Sunday to practice parallel parking and I do not know how many times I was on the verge of tears and frustrated because I didn't think I could do it.  My mom and I went around town and practiced a few times this week as well but I still didn't feel comfortable with it and was sure that was going to be what would make me fail. (I know, I know---got to stop the negative thinking).  A couple times I thought about cancelling the test because I didn't think I could do it. But if I did that I would be back to square one and letting that fear hold me back once again--which I wasn't about to do.   By Thursday I felt sick to my stomach, but I wasn't going to cancel.  Yesterday when it was time to head to Greenfield I was such a nervous wreck just thinking about today that I was starting to feel panicky again. Those feelings along with the torrential downpour that started right before we were getting ready to leave made me want Debbie to drive. I did drive on the way home from Greenfield and we ended up at a standstill in deadlocked traffic on 70 between Knightstown and New Castle. While we were sitting though we saw a double rainbow which made me think of my favorite scripture:   

   For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
 
Honestly, I think getting my license today is one of the destinations God has led me to and it was supposed to happen during this journey to get my sparkle back--this journey that started when I used what little sparkle I had inside me to find the courage to walk through the Anytime Fitness doors.  That truly was one of the pivotal moments in my life, just like today has been another one of those moments. I got up this morning, nervous and scared but I went for a jog and gave myself a pep talk (something I never would have done before).  The negative thoughts tried to surface but I kept pushing them back telling myself I could do this.  I was still scared though and worried I wouldn't pass when Kyle met me at my house to go over for my test this morning. When I found out I passed I felt so many different emotions. I was fighting back tears but once I got back to my house and Kyle had left, the floodgates burst open. I couldn't stop crying. I had just overcome an obstacle that held me back all of my adult life. I was overwhelmed by how much my life has changed. Overwhelmed because I do believe God has this awesome plan for my life. I probably would have been able to stop crying a little sooner if I hadn't gotten on Facebook and saw Kyle's post about me passing and all the people who commented or liked the post. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love by my family and friends. I was overwhelmed because so many of those were people I hadn't known before joining ATF--the trainers, staff, members, owners all of whom I know care about me and have been so excited and proud of me throughout my journey. I guess it isn't any surprise that the first place I drove myself to was Anytime Fitness. I am so thankful to God for bringing my this new family--my ATF family into the plan He has for me.  I know I will get through the scary and tough times not just because I have awesome trainers and friends who care so much about me and who try to hold that shaking branch still when I seem to struggle trusting I can do it on my own, but because I do believe in myself and have this indomitable will to spread my wings and fly--or should I say drive.

I am my biggest obstacle

       Right now the only person working hard to dull my sparkle is me.  The self-defeating voice is popping back up because I left Onderland.   I've gained 14lbs back and am struggling to get back on track.  I know I messed up--I had been splurging and at times binging and have been using food to deal with frustrations at work and home.  I feel like I've let down not only myself but my trainers and friends and all the people who have supported and helped me throughout my journey.  I've been finding myself feeling a little lost and fearful that I will go back to my old habits.   I lost some of my focus and discipline and the scale showed that.    Even though I am not at my goal weight, I do like who I am now and am proud of what I have accomplished.  So why am I once again letting the scale dictate whether I feel like a success or a failure?  I let those negative thoughts get into my head telling me I'm not going to be able to keep the weight off, that I don't deserve all these great things that have been happening, that I'm a huge disappointment. But you know what....that's not fair to myself. I've worked my ass off for over a year and have basically morphed into a new person. My trainers are helping me realize these are issues I will struggle with the rest of my life no matter what my weight is and it's up to me how I deal with those issues. They are right--I have to stop trying to analyze WHY those feelings still surface and work on acknowledging the feelings when they happen and ask myself WHAT I need to do to move past those feelings in a positive and healthy way.  It's time to stop being my own biggest obstacle.

  

I had started to let those fears gain control this week and kept adding fuel to them by doubting myself. Prime example-- I recently started boxing with Drew, the personal training manager at Anytime Fitness and the first couple of sessions I felt great--strong and empowered. I knew that I could stick up for myself and that I was never going to let anyone physically hurt me again without a fight. But then all of a sudden during Tuesday's session that empowered feeling was missing and overwhelming fear from the past was taking over. And for a while I let it, I couldn't swing back because I was afraid....but afraid of what? Afraid Drew would hurt me?  Afraid to be empowered? Afraid to stand on my own two feet and stick up for myself?  Afraid to show strength and self-confidence? I imagine I probably freaked Drew out a little bit but he was great.  He talked me through it and after a few minutes made me put the gloves back on and get back to it.  That's the key thing....get back to it.  I'm going to fall, overeat, slack off, have off or down days, feel fear,  the scale will fluctuate at times and I'm sure some days I will just be like "f-it".  I'm human and that is just part of life---but the difference between who I am now and who I used to be is that I do not give in--I'm not a quitter.  I'm going to get back at it and face whatever obstacle or challenge the comes before me head on (even those mental challenges I create for myself). The outcome of those challenges lies in myself and the mental attitude and determination I have. If I keep telling myself I'm going to fail or be afraid I'm not going to be able to keep the weight off then that is very well what could occur.  I refuse to let that happen--I am the only one who can stop me from reaching my goals. I am the one in control of how my life is going to turn out. Do I want to go back to where all I want to do is blend into the wall and not be noticed? Do I want to return to having to be on medication to keep my blood pressure under control or just to be able to go through my daily routine?  Do I want to lose the sparkle I've worked so hard to get? Do I want the lady beast I've uncovered to disappear?

       Hell no.

       Now the question becomes what am I going to do about it?

   

Mud-Stash 5/11/13: Because I Can

   
 

Love my blue tutu

  Several people have asked me why in the world would I want to spend my Saturday climbing ropes, walking (and lots of falling) in mud, getting stuck in mud pits, getting so dirty that you just throw your clothes away instead of trying to wash them, not to mention the scrapes, bruises and sore muscles.  In fact someone today saw the cut on my leg and asked why I would put my body through such strenuous things....my reply was quick and simple...."Because I can."   I spent so many years telling myself I can't.  I can't lose weight. I can't drive. I can't be pretty. I can't run. I can't be alone.  I can't (on and on and on) because I'm ________ (insert fat, weak, a failure, ugly, unworthy, unlovable--you get the picture).  If my first Mud-Stash last September taught me anything is that I CAN.   I CAN face these huge obstacles and figure out how to overcome them. Even if I don't quite conquer them at the time, I make it a goal for the next time.  I CAN push myself to do better than the time before. I CAN act crazy and silly and not worry about what other people think. I CAN accomplish these amazing things because I have learned to believe in myself and push my mind and body beyond what I ever thought I was capable of. 

           Participating in Mud-Stash this time was so different than in September. The excitement far outweighed the fear and I could tell a huge difference in my stamina and strength.  I also noticed that my balance no longer sucks (or at least not as sucky!)! It's not the greatest but it's a lot better than it was. Sure I fell a lot but I also kept myself from falling a lot more this time. I even threw in some zumba arm moves as I was slipping and sliding and actually regained balance (Zumba Lew would be proud!).  The biggest fear I encountered this time was crossing platforms floating in the water.

I can't swim (that's on my list to turn into an I CAN this summer) and am afraid of deep water....even though I knew this wasn't deep just the thought of falling in and not being able to pull myself back up on the platform was scary. I made it across but was on the very last one before I went completely on my own without reaching  for someone's hand for help.

The Second Wall

        A new obstacle this time were 2 wooden walls to climb over. The first was about half the size of the second. There was very little to hold on to and just small wooden ledges that barely held the side of your foot enough to where you could push yourself up. I was able to make it up and over the smaller wall and was leary about even trying the second one.  Even though I'm right around 200lbs sometimes my mind does revert back to thinking like I'm still 335lbs--questioning whether the wall would be strong enough to hold me.  But I wasn't going to go around it. I would try and if I couldn't quite conquer it then that would go on my goal list for the next time I do Mud-Stash.  But with a little help I did get up and over the second wall.  There wasn't really anything to hold on to as you came down the other side so I pretty much slid down the wall.  I made it down in one piece but I did take out one of my teammates (sorry Kim). She did survive.
       The monkey bars are still on my "to conquer" list for this coming September. It's definitely something I am going to start working on now. I at least attempted them this time, but wasn't able to move forward any. So I held on for a few seconds and dropped down into the mud.
 
    Another highlight this time was that I was actually able to help other people. One of my fears the first Mud-Stash was about me holding my team back and being to slow.  So many of my teammates stayed back and completed the entire course with me. That was such an awesome feeling knowing that these people who were in a lot better shape than I was cared about whether I was able to complete the course and stayed back to help me.  So there was not any question in my mind that I was going to do whatever I could to help anyone finish the course.

Up the cargo net

          

Ice Pit

Last September stuck in the mud

The biggest goal I had for Mud-Stash this time was to make it through the mud pit without getting stuck and having Kyle, Mason, Dale and some other big guy basically lifting me out of the pit. I was completely spent by the time I had gotten to this point last September and as soon as I couldn't move (in the mud pit from hell as I like to call it), all those feelings of self-conscious fear and insecurity were running through my head.  I had fought back tears because I was the fat girl stuck in the mud too weak to stand on her own two feet.   

   
As I was approaching the mud pit this time I did have a moment hesitation wondering if I could get through it on my own.  It was just a moment though. I knew that no matter how hard I had to push myself I was going to get through that pit. 

I think I can...I think I can

I know I can

 While I was going through I did hear a couple people yelling my name which felt completely awesome. They knew what this moment meant for me in my journey-- that I am determined to overcome all the fears that had held me back in the past--that I have gained not only physical strength but an inner strength that is transforming me into this strong, confident person that knows that I CAN make and achieve my goals.  At the end of the pit Dale was there with a great big hug and he told me how proud he was of me. That meant a lot to me. I wish Kyle and Mason were there as well to celebrate that special moment with me.  Tears were coming this time too....not tears from being self conscious and afraid...but tears from feeling empowered...tears of being a Sparkle Warrior.

The last obstacle

Woo-hoo! We did it!!

One of the best things about Mud-Stash is how everyone bands together to help each other finish the course. It isn't about how fast you can get through the obstacles or what your time is when you are done....what it IS about is pushing yourself and not stopping until you and everyone else on your team crosses that finish line with you.   It's about making sure that each and every one of us CAN overcome whatever obstacles are put before us...whether it's a mud obstacle course or life's struggles...and that we need to band together as a family to help each other succeed.

WE   CAN.....AND WE  DID

"I am more than the number on the scale."

     "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale." "I am more than the number on the scale."   

      I admit I've become a little obsessive with what the scale says and let it dictate whether I feel like a success or failure.  Maybe I shouldn't say I've become a little obsessive but rather I have always been OVERLY obsessive with my weight. I'm surprised my trainers haven't made me write "I am more than the number on the scale" 100 times on the chalkboard, but then again they kick my butt in the gym which gets much better results--and making me sweat and sore probably gives them greater satisfaction than what a hand cramp writing would do. 
       I hit a rough patch that was turning into a downward spiral of binges and self-defeating thoughts so I knew when I weighed in this week I had gained. I knew it could very well be back over 200 pounds and it was.  I did get upset and tried to fight back tears but I think it was the blow I needed to regroup and focus on my next step.  Even though I had wavered and at times questioned myself as to whether I was giving up, I'm a fighter and I'm determined to continue my life-changing transformation.  But I need to teach myself to approach my goals differently. I need to stop worrying about whether or not I'm over or under 200lbs. If I eat right and work out hard I will continue to get healthier, fitter, happier and more sparkly.  In order to do that I need to really focus on my achievements and successes I have had on this journey that have nothing to do with what the scale says.

 

  I will be repeating one of my biggest achievements this Saturday, May 11:  MUD-STASH!!  Last September I ran my first 5K obstacle course through lots and lots of mud.  I was terrified from before I had signed up for Mud-Stash until the time we crossed the starting line.  This time is completely different for me. I cannot wait until Saturday and am so excited to see how much stronger I have become in the months since my first Mud-Stash.   It was the hardest physical thing I had ever done and my confidence grew tremendously after I conquered this challenge. 

I was quite surprised how well I did do in September. The only obstacle I skipped was the monkey bars. I did need help with some of the other obstacles like the mud pit (or as I like to call it the cement pit or the mud pit from hell), but I'm hoping this time to be more of a help to others. We have lots of newbies going and I hope I can help them like people helped me when I was the newbie.  My biggest goal for Mud-Stash this year....make it all the way through the mud pit.  By the time the 4 big muscular guys dug me out of the pit, I was so exhausted, I didn't have enough energy left to keep going through the pit.   Even though I struggled I didn't give up. And I'm not giving up now.  I wasn't thinking about what my weight was while I was at Mud-Stash,  I was not telling myself I couldn't do it because I was over 200lbs, but rather I was thinking wow, I've never felt this strong before.

Training for May's Mud-Stash

      I will be going into Mud-Stash without fear. I have transformed a lot since last September and have never been healthier or stronger.   I know I'm going to kick ass on the obstacles! I am determined to break free from the hold the scale (and food) has on me, and focusing on accomplishments like Mud-Stash will help me do just that. Like anything on this journey it isn't going to happen overnight and at times it may not be easy, but I believe in myself like never before and will overcome whatever challenge    presents itself!!  I've got this!