I am my biggest obstacle

       Right now the only person working hard to dull my sparkle is me.  The self-defeating voice is popping back up because I left Onderland.   I've gained 14lbs back and am struggling to get back on track.  I know I messed up--I had been splurging and at times binging and have been using food to deal with frustrations at work and home.  I feel like I've let down not only myself but my trainers and friends and all the people who have supported and helped me throughout my journey.  I've been finding myself feeling a little lost and fearful that I will go back to my old habits.   I lost some of my focus and discipline and the scale showed that.    Even though I am not at my goal weight, I do like who I am now and am proud of what I have accomplished.  So why am I once again letting the scale dictate whether I feel like a success or a failure?  I let those negative thoughts get into my head telling me I'm not going to be able to keep the weight off, that I don't deserve all these great things that have been happening, that I'm a huge disappointment. But you know what....that's not fair to myself. I've worked my ass off for over a year and have basically morphed into a new person. My trainers are helping me realize these are issues I will struggle with the rest of my life no matter what my weight is and it's up to me how I deal with those issues. They are right--I have to stop trying to analyze WHY those feelings still surface and work on acknowledging the feelings when they happen and ask myself WHAT I need to do to move past those feelings in a positive and healthy way.  It's time to stop being my own biggest obstacle.

  

I had started to let those fears gain control this week and kept adding fuel to them by doubting myself. Prime example-- I recently started boxing with Drew, the personal training manager at Anytime Fitness and the first couple of sessions I felt great--strong and empowered. I knew that I could stick up for myself and that I was never going to let anyone physically hurt me again without a fight. But then all of a sudden during Tuesday's session that empowered feeling was missing and overwhelming fear from the past was taking over. And for a while I let it, I couldn't swing back because I was afraid....but afraid of what? Afraid Drew would hurt me?  Afraid to be empowered? Afraid to stand on my own two feet and stick up for myself?  Afraid to show strength and self-confidence? I imagine I probably freaked Drew out a little bit but he was great.  He talked me through it and after a few minutes made me put the gloves back on and get back to it.  That's the key thing....get back to it.  I'm going to fall, overeat, slack off, have off or down days, feel fear,  the scale will fluctuate at times and I'm sure some days I will just be like "f-it".  I'm human and that is just part of life---but the difference between who I am now and who I used to be is that I do not give in--I'm not a quitter.  I'm going to get back at it and face whatever obstacle or challenge the comes before me head on (even those mental challenges I create for myself). The outcome of those challenges lies in myself and the mental attitude and determination I have. If I keep telling myself I'm going to fail or be afraid I'm not going to be able to keep the weight off then that is very well what could occur.  I refuse to let that happen--I am the only one who can stop me from reaching my goals. I am the one in control of how my life is going to turn out. Do I want to go back to where all I want to do is blend into the wall and not be noticed? Do I want to return to having to be on medication to keep my blood pressure under control or just to be able to go through my daily routine?  Do I want to lose the sparkle I've worked so hard to get? Do I want the lady beast I've uncovered to disappear?

       Hell no.

       Now the question becomes what am I going to do about it?