FOCUS

    This week has definitely been a difficult one where I have had to face some harsh truths about myself and just how much I have lost ALICIA.  Over the course of this year I completely turned against myself and refused to see the situation I was in earlier this year as anything but me giving away any power, strength and sparkle I had found.  And I have refused to forgive myself for not standing up and fighting for myself. That incident has left me reaching out in all directions for any outside validation I could possibly receive to use as my lifeline to feel happy and whole again.   I won't go into any detail of what happened earlier this week that chipped away enough of that wall that I am finally ready to stop fighting against myself.   I regret that it might have cost me a friend and quite possibly more. It hurts and I hope that isn't the case but only time will tell.   I do not regret however what I have learned this week. I am ready to fight for ALICIA.    I AM WORTH IT DAMMIT!!  Everyone keeps telling me I am but I haven't been able to tell myself that.   I do not want to keep repeating this cycle I am on. I do not want my insecurities, doubts and need for validation to keep consuming me so much that it pushes people away and causes me to lose even more of myself.  I do not want to crumble when faced with disappointments or rejection. I want to know my worth and love myself enough to be able to not feel broken and damaged by my past. I want to have a healthy soul, mind and body so I can be the sparkly bad ass super girl--- no sparkly bad ass ALICIA I strive for. In order to do that I have to dig my heels in and commit to myself so I can forgive myself and heal.

    I know this won't be easy nor will I instantly be "fixed"--(another hurt this week--"shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now).  I may go through multiple ups and downs possibly all in the same day and there might be days where I once again feel so lost that I feel like I am drowning reaching out for a lifeline. However, I will continue to FOCUS.

       I want to try to do a weekly recap on this blog about how my week has been.  Progress, thoughts, some workouts, setbacks, quotes or things that have helped me FOCUS. Maybe what I am going through can also help someone else who feels broken and damaged start becoming whole again.  As I mentioned earlier, this week has been an emotional one but it was made brighter by some unknown person or persons who sent me flowers at work on Monday AND Tuesday. It is an awesome feeling to know that there are people who care about me and try to lift me up when I am struggling.  

        I have also made it to the gym 5 times this week! I've been so inconsistent lately that what was normal before is a rarity now.  Some weeks I may only make it 2 or 3 times. I want to get back into a regular lifting schedule and get back to where I can jog 5Ks with ease.  

            This week's workouts

• Monday: Training session with Megan--Legs  Walk/jog trail 2 miles
• Tuesday: Casual 2 mile walk with friends (with a little running to catch up when Bailey would stop at every pole and tree)
• Wednesday: Back    Deadlift 5 sets: 135x10, 185x8, 205x6, 225 x 3 and 245x1    Tbar rows: started with 95#(7 10#plates and 1 25# plate) do as many rows as possible then drop a plate; Inverted TRX rows 3 sets 10  Walk/jogged 3 miles--finally made it 1/2 mile without stopping!!
• Thursday: Training session with Megan--Upper Body (killed my triceps!)   Walked trail about 2 miles  (was really upset and did a lot of thinking and reflecting)
• Friday: Circuit as many rounds as possible in 15 minutes (completed 4.25 rounds)  5 renegade rows, 10 squat jumps, 15 ball slams, 20 kettlebell swings
• Saturday: Let's work on those buns hun!! Hamstring/Glute workout with Megan (I plan on doing this one a lot! If you try it be sure to SQUEEZE your glutes!  My booty is going to be sore but I was dripping sweat)  50 glute bridges;  5 rounds of 10 reps each (with heavy weight) kettlebell swings (orange KB), plie squats with  red kettlebell, barbell hip thrusters (95#); 50 donkey kicks each leg (your booty will be cramping by this time lol);  50 glute bridges; 1 mile Arc Trainer/Stair Stepper (did most at level 10) 
• Sunday:  Rest (unless I go for a walk or something--writing this on Saturday)

      My nutrition isn't the best right now. I am not tracking calories or macros but am writing down what I am eating. I am not constantly eating though and several nights this week skipped dinner because I didn't feel like eating anything.  Honestly right now I'm not worrying as much about my nutrition. I know I need to be more mindful and make healthier choices but I have a tendency to try to change everything at once then get overwhelmed and stressed. Getting consistent with my workouts and gaining inner strength is my primary focus and may be all I can handle at the present time.  Once I do get stronger (inside and out) then I will tackle the food again. For now I'm just going to try to be more conscious about my choices. I have already prepped my breakfasts for next week.... I haven't done that in a long time and have been getting in the habit of getting biscuits, sausage, french toast or pancakes in the cafeteria at work. I had also been having some donuts but I don't think I will be touching those for a while.....having 2 a couple weeks ago cost 75 burpees of various difficulties--it was supposed to be 100 but she had mercy on me when I still had more to go when my session was over.  I was actually dry heaving a little.  Right now the sight of donuts makes me want to hurl.  Mission accomplished. 

      I feel like I have begun to find my FOCUS and for the first time in a while feel a little stronger. I am ready to tackle the week ahead and know I will get through the trying times.  Most of all I know I am taking those steps needed to SPARKLE. 

Path to Self Discovery

       Self-compassion....Self worthiness....Self belief....Self confidence....Self Esteem....Self Discovery....One thing these all have in common is SELF.   It all begins inside yourSELF.  Not someone else....Logically I know this but for some reason I don't trust or believe in my SELF without approval from others that I am ENOUGH.  However I am starting to see that NOT believing in myself or feeling worthy of like I am enough might very well be my comfort zone.    Perhaps my insecurities are my shield...my protector from disappointment or hurt.  Funny thing is, it doesn't protect me from disappointment or hurt.   This shield I have put around myself of not being enough lets me down every time and is holding me back from who I want to be.  It is what is causing me to constantly and impatiently seek that outside approval so much so that it pushes people away when that is the last thing I want to do. But it is what I have felt for years so it is what I know and am comfortable with no matter how self destructive it might be.  I want to be that sparkly bad ass super girl who stands strong and confident with her cape flapping in the wind no matter what obstacle comes her way.  The phoenix who rises up from the ashes every time she falls. The fighter that doesn't crumble when hit but hits back.  In order to be that person I need to discover myself and look within myself for that approval I so desperately seek from others. The fact that I am the one who needs to make me feel like I am enough isn't anything I've not known or been told many many times.  One of the first things Kyle had told me oh so long ago was no one will love me the way I deserve to be loved until I can love myself. He is right and I was close to truly loving myself but I think where I have gone amiss in the past is that I expect...no demand...that I be all those things perfectly instead of being perfectly imperfect. If I do not do exactly what I think I should be doing I fall.
        Although I know writing helps me work through the rough times, it can be extremely difficult to dig down deep below the surface...to get out of that negative comfort zone...and uncover the why and how I feel like I do. I need to open myself up to a new way of thinking.   But like with any change, changing the way I think brings with it fears of failing, making mistakes, disappointing others, fear that I won't see progress, that I won't sparkle.  As long as I am avoiding digging deeper I am going to continue this same cycle and stunt any learning and growing I need to uncover that path to self discovery. When I first started this journey to find my sparkle I did so by being completely open and public about my journey and it was a huge part of the successes and milestones I reached plus helped others on their journeys. Maybe I need to go back to that. Use this blog as my online journal to discovering my self worth--getting and keeping--my sparkle.

I have referred to this manifesto many times but am still on the path to discovering and believing what it really means to me.  As part of my counseling I have been attempting to read The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of Who You Think You're Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown. I say attempting because even though I know it is helpful the times I need to read most I have a hard time doing so. Part of the chapter I read tonight says "to overcome...we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgement and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self compassion."   Acknowledge--not ignore or hide. Acknowledge--not be perfect. There was a reference to Dr. Kristin Neff's website www.self-compassion.org that I think anyone who has difficulty loving or accepting themselves might want to check out.  On the site there is a self-compassion test that measures on a scale of 1 to 5 the elements of self compassion and areas that might get in the way.The site also gives exercises and practices to overcome the obstacles we create within ourselves.
 
My self compassion test scores:

Self-Kindness: 2.40
Self-Judgment: 4.80
Common Humanity: 2.00
Isolation: 3.00
Mindfulness: 2.75
Over-Identification: 4.75

Overall score: 2.10

Considering my self judgement and over identification (getting consumed by thoughts, worries, bad things that happen or you think will happen--in short making a mountain out of a molehill) are pretty near a 5 confirms what many already know about me--I am way too hard on myself and overthink way too much. So that is where I should start digging a little deeper.  And accept the fact that although I will surely make mistakes and stumble along the way that does not mean I am not a sparkly bad ass super girl. I have to learn that strong, worthy and enough does not mean I have to be perfect.  It means I am a warrior, a fighter, and on a constant journey for self improvement and self discovery.  The only way I am going to be able to achieve self love, self worth and finally feel like I am enough just as I imperfectly am is to put down the shield of insecurity and fears, find my cape, put on my boxing gloves and spread my wings.

Enough

     I've not posted in quite a while....at first because time had just gotten away from me--busy with work, being a mom, sticking to my workout schedule, exploring the dating world (more on that later),  But this summer it has been for a different reason.  I'm not sure if you would call it an emotional breakdown, a "F.M.L. I can't do this anymore attitude", or if my bad ass super girl cape was missing but I lost my sparkle.  I've written before about how for years I had suffered from deep depression, well it came back with a vengeance accompanied by severe anxiety. What brought it on??  I started losing myself, my lack of confidence and insecurities were coming back like a strong force taking over my thoughts and actions. I could probably start a whole blog on the whole online dating frustrations I have incurred this year.  I'm not to the point yet where I can share all the details with all of cyberspace but there was one experience in particular that happened the beginning of the year that over time whittled away at my feeling like the strong empowered woman I had become. After that occurrence there was one failed attempt after another. One could probably be an episode of Catfish.  I had one who cancelled a date because I wasn't feminine enough after he found out I could leg press 880#. Let's see...oh...then the message from some jackass who asked if I have always been a woman because I looked like a man.  OUCH!!   Well over time all those failed attempts destroyed my confidence and set myself up to sabotage any possible relationship. 

 

      It had also been a long time since I had reached any goals or milestones. Then after my last Mud-Stash in May I was having a tremendous amount of shoulder and neck pain.  I wasn't able to lift like I had been used to and I started to lose that drive and passion I had. How frustrating it was when I could barely dead lift the weight that had been my warm up!!   I felt like that was another blow to my self confidence.  I lost my outlet (aka Bar Therapy) that centered me and I turned back to food and gained over 30 pounds which of course just made everything I was feeling worse.   I pretty much became somewhat of a recluse and started canceling on friends and some days barely made it out of bed to go to work. I struggled with panic attacks. I felt like I lost myself in the bottom of a big dark pit that I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to climb out of this time.

    That little spark inside me didn't completely extinguish though and was kept alive by my son,  friends, trainers, other gym members and staff.  I truly am blessed to have such a strong support system who never give up on me.  Unfortunately I did end up having to go back on anti depressants and start medicine to help with the anxiety.  I also started seeing a counselor to hopefully work through all those issues that keep me from being that strong, confident  and secure person I want to be.  I've been working hard--and failing---to overcome that need for outside validation as the primary way I feel worthy. I've been trying to build that drive and passion back that was helping reach all those goals and milestones. I'm trying to  find that balance that will ensure that this is my lifestyle and not just an all or nothing back and forth cycle that I keep finding myself on.

    At times I feel I am making progress--slowly and surely with several moments of frustration but it is still progress. But other times like the past few days I am so upset and angry with myself for losing my worth I feel myself slipping down in that hole again digging my nails into the dirt trying to stop sliding. With each slip that sparkly bad ass super girl feels farther and farther out of reach.  I keep fighting but am I committing? Am I believing in myself enough to know I can uncover that cape and stand strong again?  People tell me I am one of the strongest women they know so why can't I see myself as strong?...more importantly why can't I see myself as worthy?  Worthy for people to care...worthy for a man to care...worthy for ME to care about myself, worthy enough, strong enough, attractive enough, thin enough, sexy enough, good enough.....ENOUGH. What will it take for me to see that I am enough? 

Christmas Night Reflections

      I didn't have the magical Hallmark Christmas that I was hoping for this year. In fact I made a tough but for now right decision and am back in the dating pool again.  It stinks and I am disappointed, sad, and hurt but I didn't let it ruin my Christmas.  In fact I'm proud of myself for realizing that although I care a lot for someone I care about myself and my well-being more. That may sound selfish to some but it is in no means selfish.  For those who know me know how long it has taken me to find my self-worth and know I used to seek outside approval to validate my self-esteem. I'm also proud of myself for realizing I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

 

   I may have shed some tears on this Christmas day but I still had a great Christmas. I am blessed to have a son who sees when I may need him to just sit and talk with me for a few minutes. Give an extra tight hug and make me laugh at his crazy love of insane socks.  I am blessed to have a mother who has always been there for me and Toby.  I still had a great Christmas because I am blessed to have wonderful and loving friends who are always there for me regardless of what day it is, what time it is or how many times I need them.  I still had a great Christmas because although (and I hate to admit it) my faith has not been very strong the past 1.5-2 years I am blessed because God loves me unconditionally and will never abandon me even if at times I may have abandoned him. I've prayed a lot the past couple of days for guidance through a lot of confusion and unsure moments. Not just for what decision I should make in this new relationship and issues I was facing but in my feelings and attitude towards life and my personal goals that I have struggled with several times this year.

     Now I'm spending Christmas night with a glass of wine and my Wonder Woman journal to determine what word will help me to refocus and intensify my sparkle in 2015.

 I started a list on Tuesday and keep adding to it.  I haven't determined that perfect word yet but my here's my ever-changing list:

Balance                Equilibrium       

       Capestrong         

    Wholeness        Destination 

Badassery                Determination          

 Refocus                   Rejuvenate

   I haven't discovered what word speaks to me most....wait just added more.... Discover or Discovery....so I think it's important I reflect back on the past couple of months and look at my attitude (I will be the first to admit since about mid-October I have had an F*@&-it attitude when it comes to my goals),  how that has brought me to the burnt-out, uncaring, thus heavier state I've been in the past couple of weeks, and what/how I'm going to tackle my lousy attitude and get back on track for 2015. 

Learning and Growing

 
      A little over a month ago I decided it was time to focus on breaking through those self made obstacles that keep causing me to stall as I reach for my goals.  With help from my trainers a new plan was devised for me that changed up my training, fine tuned my nutrition and reignited the spark inside of me.  Everything was great.  There was a fire lit under me and I was more focused than I had been in a long time.  This girl was on fire... In the first 3 1/2 weeks I lost 16lbs getting my weight back down to 204 and lost 1% body fat. I started seeing new definition in my arms and legs.  I felt like nothing was going to stop me.

Feeling unstoppable at Mudstash 9/6/14

Then I hit the brakes.  My son tore his ACL during football practice 2 days before he was going to be able to play his first game of the season. He had been dealing with an issue with his hip and was finally overcoming that. He was so excited to be off the sidelines and be able to play. But then he had a season ending injury.
I stayed focus and on plan up until his surgery drew closer. Then I started getting anxious, worried and overwhelmed with thoughts about the surgery, long recovery, mounting bills and just the overwhelming stress I started to let consume me.  As I've written before I still struggle at times with emotional and binge eating to deal with the stress. And last week I did gain 3 lbs because I was resorting to food to cope.  I weigh in tomorrow and I expect it will be up even more due to the binge eating I allowed to happen over this past weekend. Thankfully Toby's surgery went fine and he has started the long road to recovery. But losing focus on my goals made me start thinking... dealing with Toby's injury wasn't all that was making me lose sight of my goals. .I hit the same wall over and over.   There's a pattern that seems to occur after a few weeks of great progress and it seems to happen when I get close to breaking through that 204-205# on the scale.  I know I am stressed and overwhelmed with all of life's stressors (or as a good friend calls it--life's BS). That does play a part, however it's not all life's BS that brings things to a screeching halt. What am I afraid of that I keep slamming on the brakes as I get closer to breaking through that wall that holds me back?  Maybe the biggest fear is that I will fail and won't be able to reach my goals no matter how important they are to me or how hard I try ....

FAILURE is such an ugly word.  I mentioned to my trainer, Megan that I was tired of failing.  Her reply...don't look at it as failing....you are learning and growing. She reminded me how far I have come and my mindset is different now. Even when I think I'm failing, I'm not because I keep getting back up, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and pressing forward. I am on the right path to bursting through that plateau or stopping point  when my brain steps in and says WHOA wait a minute, you can't get past this point....but that's what I think Megan was trying to show me--I approach those stumbling blocks differently now. Yes I felt like I was crumbling apart the days around Toby's surgery (and at times like this evening when I feel overwhelmed and stressed and want to do nothing more than go on a scavenger hunt through the kitchen cabinets) but in reality I'm not falling apart. I did lose sight of my goals and I did eat crap food to deal with the stress I was feeling (not tonight though---I refuse to go on the kitchen scavenger hunt tonight).  I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel. I also wasn't prepared for success in regards to my goals but I remained strong for him and even confronted a situation with someone I would have previously lacked confidence to speak up about.  How I deal with situations now is different than how I would have 2 1/2 years ago at the start of my journey or even just a few short months ago.  I am constantly learning and growing and that is what keeps my passion alive for living fitter and healthier. My drive and perseverance is what will get me past that mental block I tend to put up (and it is what will one day soon get me past the 204-205 stop sign on the scale). I have learned to believe in myself and worked hard to gain the self-confidence that has allowed me to grow into the woman I am today.  It hasn't been easy but we all know there isn't a magic pill that will turn us into our ultimate selves overnight. If there were, do we really think we would find self-fulfillment and happiness in something we didn't have to earn?

I'm learning not to crumble or let life's BS break me when times get tough. I will keep learning and growing so that each time I face a difficult life challenge I will face it a little stronger than the time before. I will learn how to stay focused on my goals not just when things are going well but through the tough times. And when I fall I'll jump right back up.  I will fall....that's what life is all about---the ups and downs---falling and rising.   It's up to me to use those ups and downs to make me into my ultimate self. And this I know...I will not fail.

. 

Stuck in a Rut?

      What do you do when you start feeling stuck?  How do you get past just going through the motions?  Off and on throughout the past several months I have felt like I'm on a wheel spinning and not really going anywhere.  I get up at 3:30am, hit the gym at 4. Go to work. Go back to the gym after work. Come home and try to get a few things done and have some family time. Pass out around 11-11:30 then get up the next day to do it all over again.  My workouts have pretty much been the same...4 lifting days: Deadlift, Bench, Squat and Overhead Press. Fasting cardio and a little lifting and core work in the mornings. Zumba twice a week.   I still love going to the gym (and shaking my booty in Zumba) and not lacking motivation to get there or do my workouts, however just feel like I'm not making any progress. I know that's my fault because my nutrition is spot on Monday-Thursday then Friday-Sunday has been a free for all. It started with a cheat meal here and there then I'd have a fun busy weekend (i.e. a concert and 2 reunions all in the same weekend) and would indulge in food and alcohol (and lots of both). In the past I would always beat myself up when I would stray from plan and I had to work on not being so hard on myself. I loosened the reigns, got out of my clean eating routine and before I knew it was going on binges again and not just little binges...full all-out-eat-everything-in-sight-go-back-to-the-store-for-more type binges----I just wasn't beating myself up or feeling like a failure so I thought all was well. Then on Monday I'd be back on plan.

     Hit Repeat.
   
     Here I am ready to take hold of the reigns again but how do I get unstuck? What is it that makes us want to say "hey wait a minute this isn't working, I'm not going anywhere or even going backwards"? How do I change my mindset and break down the barriers I myself created that have stalled my progress? Perhaps the first step is to figure out what is most important to me. [A little side note---before anyone says but x should be more important than fitness goals etc...for this blog entry most important to me is pertaining to my personal fitness/well-being journey...my son, family etc are the most important thing in my life and me working to improve myself helps me give my very best me to them  :) ]  So I have contemplated, wrote...thought some more and re-wrote and came up with my top 5:

What's most important to me:

Be a sparkly bad-ass super girl--For me, that means being a strong, empowered, brave, confident, beautiful woman who isn't afraid of pushing past obstacles. Someone whose personality shines through and touches others. Someone who is constantly pushing herself to be better than she was yesterday. Someone who isn't afraid to go into beast mode and tackle whatever comes her way. Someone who pulls out her sparkly cape when she needs to and cannot be defeated. 

Me feeling sparkly

Me feeling like the bad-ass super girl

Inspire and motivate others--I want to share that spark with others and inspire them to create their own sparkle to transform their lives. I want to be there for others to help coach, support and encourage them to live healthier and happier lives.   I ultimately want to be a personal trainer, well more like a life coach and share my passion for fitness and healthier living.  

 Reaching a healthy weight and body fat percentage--I've always had the number 169  in my mind as the weight goal I wanted to reach and 25% as my body fat percentage. That would be half of where I started (over half on body fat since when I first started it didn't register since was somewhere above 50%). 192 is the lowest I've ever seen on the scale and my body fat hasn't gotten below 36%.  But I had to back off weigh ins and focus on other things because I was becoming obsessive with the scale and letting it effect my moods and confidence. I had to get to the point where when I did weigh and measure if it wasn't where I thought it should be I didn't self-destruct. I knew when I needed to get back to it. However I then think I became complacent. Convinced myself that maybe that was it, I had lost all I was going to which resulted in gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds--Getting stuck in a rut and not really getting anywhere.  Since I've been in this pattern of doing great through the week and lousy on the weekends my weight is back up to 220 and body fat 38%.  I AM at a different place mentally now and I want to break through the plateau and get back to working towards my original weight goal--just making sure I keep a healthier mindset. 

 Persevere/Never Give Up--  I want to keep challenging myself physically whether it be lifting heavy, competing or just getting in the best possible shape I can.  I want to get my body fat % and weight to a place where I truly want to maintain and not feel like this is where I'm stuck. I want to conquer the ups and downs with my mindset, get my nutrition where I need and want it to be to provide the best fuel for my body. I want to keep fighting for all the things that are important to me, even when it's only myself that keeps holding me back.  I want to be like the Phoneix who rises up from the ashes time and time again--brighter and stronger each time. 

 And  finally, yes, I admit it....I want a smoking hot body  :-)  -- who doesn't??  Okay this isn't the absolute most important thing but there was a time when I struggled to look in a mirror because I felt so ugly and unworthy. That time has long since passed and I will never forget that moment when I looked in the mirror and for the first time ever saw a pretty face smiling back. I'm proud of the work I've put in and the changes living healthier have done for my body (in ability AND appearance). Most of the time I do feel beautiful, but  there is always room for improvement.  I want to rock a sexy black dress--okay another sexier one because I did get into my goal size 14 little black dress I had bought when I was a size 24.  I want to build a more defined muscular and leaner appearance and as I work towards the other things on my list this too shall come. 

I realize it has come time to shake things up, set forth on a new path with a new attitude, strive for my original goals and not backing down until I achieve them. I do have a new plan I started September 1 and I'm excited (with a little fear) to start this next chapter of my journey. I hope to not only share the ups and downs along the way but hopefully reach out to those of you who may feel stuck right now as well. I encourage you to take just 10 minutes and think about what is important to you on your journey. Where do you want to be? What goals have you put aside for whatever reason? Are you ready to take your next step with me?

     

It All Started with Wall Squats and a Stability Ball

 
       If someone would have told me how much my life would change since March 2012, I would never have believed it. Here I was morbidly obese, unhealthy, unhappy, felt unworthy, didn't believe in myself at all and was fearful of just about everything--and by stepping foot in the Anytime Fitness gym little did I know I was getting ready to turn my world upside down and create a whole new me from the inside out (or the outside in??).  It has been two years since I made the decision I had had enough of being a shell of a person and embarked on a journey to find my sparkle--- I certainly found my sparkle and so much more .  But honestly if my first trainer, Kyle would have told me 2 years ago during our first leg day that I would one day be competing in a power lifting competition,  I would have laughed hysterically and asked if he had gone insane. Oh how I remember my first leg day (at the time I didn't even know there was such a thing as leg day)...It consisted of doing wall squats with a stability ball supporting me against the wall. I had done a couple sets of probably 10 reps and at the end of each set I had to hold a squat for what seemed like an eternity (probably 10-15 seconds if that long). At the end of my second set my legs completely gave out. I was down on the floor and unable to get up at all. Kyle was trying to help me and I was feverishly groping at anything I could to pull myself up including Kyle (sorry Kyle). After finally getting to my feet I remember how mortified I was that I couldn't do something that seemed to be such a simple thing. I was fighting tears and so embarrassed by having everyone in the gym see this 335lb woman unable to stand on her own two legs that I could have easily hauled ass out of there never to return again. My legs eventually stopped shaking and after much reassurance from Kyle that what had just happened was actually a good thing--it meant I was pushing myself past my limit--I ignored that voice in my head that said it was too difficult and I should quit. I refused to run away. I refused to give up. I went back day after day and soon a spark inside of me was ignited that was going to just keep growing stronger and stronger.


I discovered the meaning of leg day and gradually worked up to where I could actually use a bar and do squats. I was stoked the day I got 155# (picture on the left). I had come a long way from my legs giving out doing a wall squat! And now my max is 295# and I'm doing crazy bad ass things like flipping tires, heavy deadlifts and leg presses with a total of 14 45# plates (picture below) that I did recently in one of my training sessions.

     Even crazier is the thought that tomorrow  I will be competing in my first power lifting competition doing deadlift and bench.   I've trained hard, ate clean and have learned a ton about myself. The past two weeks I've scaled back my training to help my body be the best it can be Saturday but it has also helped clear my mind as well.  I have finally realized I am a strong, beautiful, confident woman who has a lot to offer the world--it just happens to include a passion for lifting heavy objects (we shall blame my alter ego I like to call the bad-ass Super Girl for that). Not too long ago I would have thought that power lifting was an unreachable dream for someone like me.    Am I nervous? Sure, I've wondered if I'm anywhere close as strong as the other women who will be competing, but this is about so much more than seeing if I can lift heavier than someone else. This is about proving to myself that I can accomplish things I never thought I could. I've come a long way since that first leg day where I ended up on the floor embarrassed or the first time I tried to deadlift and could barely lift the bar. I keep pushing myself to keep that spark ignited. I have gotten comfortable (and confident) with who I am and don't get embarrassed when I end up on the floor after a workout.

In fact I feel empowered (or maybe I should say pretty awesome since that is what is on my shirt). My point is this....something you may think is an impossible dream can become a possibility once you stop telling yourself  "I can't do it", "I'm too fat/out of shape/etc", "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it". Those that have been with me throughout my journey know that I repeatedly told myself all of those things and much, much worse. I'm here to tell you though when you stop doubting yourself and stop beating yourself up for not being good enough and truly start believing you are strong, capable and "worth it" a whole new world of possibilities will open up. Your dreams WILL become a reality. Dig deep and find your own bad-ass Super Girl or Superman!!

Waking up

     Last night's post about how far I've fallen off track and how I've let my former self take reign again was my way of sending a wake up call to myself. A way to hold myself accountable again.   The only person who can change the way I feel about myself is me.  Not my family, my trainers, my awesome support team...me and only me.  I need to fight my toughest opponent on the other side of the ring.....myself.  No one is holding me back except for me.  

    Part of holding myself fully accountable is stepping on the scale today.  See where I am at, try not to compare it to where I was but use it for what the scale should be--a tool to assess what I need to do to move forward toward my goals.  It is a stepping stone to help me pick myself up, dust off and start turning the charcoal into bright sparkly diamonds again. I know I am not where I was a few months ago, physically or mentally but I also know I will fight to get myself where I truly want to be.  Did I get upset when I stepped on the scale....hell yeah...there were tears and feelings of defeat and failure....but it's a set back...not a start over....Did I gain?? Yep, not as much as I had thought but pretty damn close.  But it doesn't matter.  That number does not matter and I refuse to let it define how I feel about myself....what happens next is what matters....the steps I take to pull myself out of this unhappy place I am in right now is what matters.  Maybe it's seasonal--the winter blahs, or my unhealthy relationship with food or perhaps the severe depression I suffered from for most of my life has reared its ugly head again. I don't know yet, but I do know I uncovered something tonight after my assessment during my lifting workout with Megan. There is this bad-ass super girl waking up inside of me ready to fight for herself. 

Unless you have felt it for yourself, it's hard to explain how lifting weights can ignite that spark deep inside. But that's what lifting does for me--it empowers me and reminds me just how far I've come. Sure a lot of my lifting workouts are just working on physical strength, but there are those instances like tonight where it's the inner strength (the bad-ass super girl) taking over and proving to my former self that all these doubts and fears I feel inside that have been bringing old habits back are no match for super girl.  She will prevail....I will prevail...no matter how many times I fall down...no matter how many times I may have to go back to the drawing board for a fresh start or to figure out what path I want my journey to take.  

 

A hard look at myself

  I've been beating myself to a pulp lately because I know I am putting weight back on. I feel like a failure because I know I have gained.   Although I haven't stepped on a scale for about 3 months, I know I have gained because my clothes are getting tighter and I have thrown everything I know about nutrition out the window.  I've been dismissing all the progress I have made since I started my journey because I have gained. I have gone back to drinking the diet cherry vanilla cokes on a regular basis. I wake up in the middle of the night and raid the kitchen cabinets binging on whatever I find.   I know I am gaining more than just a few holiday pounds but that makes me want to eat more. I look in the mirror and see the fat me taking over and I'm letting her--I keep going back for more and more food knowing in a couple days when we ring in 2014 that I will attempt going back to clean eating. But the fat me has me scared that maybe I can't do it this time. Maybe I can't stick with it for the 2 solid months my trainers want me to before introducing a cheat day every 2 weeks. Maybe I don't have what it takes to reach the goals I want to reach.  I am addicted to food. It makes me feel better when I am down. It's what I turn to for comfort when I feel sad and alone--which this past month I have felt A LOT. My relationship with food is what makes or breaks me and I know that I will ALWAYS have that struggle in my life. I'm feeling like a freaking failure because I have given up on myself the past few weeks. I've let myself eat like crap...having more cookies, ice cream, sweets and chocolate than real food. Why?? Why am I letting my former self that I fought so hard to change take over?   I keep thinking about this quote that I saw posted on Facebook recently:

"The first and greatest victory to conquer is Yourself. To be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile."


That's where I am at right now....letting the old, unhappy and unhealthy me conquer the person I was becoming. I'm letting her stomp out the sparkle I worked so hard to find. Is this where I want my journey to end? Do I want to end up back at the beginning, unhappy, unhealthy and overweight? Do I want to go back to where I can't get out of bed because I am so depressed and miserable?  Do I want to go back to where I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath?  I found myself in the gym parking lot earlier today in tears feeling like a failure when I saw this woman struggle to get out of her car. That could have easily been me a little less than 2 years ago and will be me if I give up. But after working out I still felt sad and down, so what did I do after I left the gym?  I went to get a diet cherry vanilla coke and then to Famous Recipe for chicken strips. I had that then more chocolate and  finished off the pint of Ben and Jerry's I bought yesterday plus the rest of a bottle of blackberry wine--and nights like this are happening more and more frequently.  Those are not the actions of someone who says she has all these fitness goals and milestones she wants to meet. That is why I am feeling like a failure...a fraud..... I have been using the holidays as an excuse to give up...an excuse to stop striving for what I say I want...an excuse to let old habits resurface and take over.  I've written before how little self esteem I had and how much I hated myself so why am I letting those feelings come back when I know how good having that sparkle feels?

     I need to learn to love and accept the new me no matter what size I am, no matter what the scale says...no matter if I'm in a relationship or not...no matter where I am at with my goals.   I haven't come this far to give up and quit on myself which is exactly what I've been doing the past few weeks. This started as a personal journal entry but I quickly realized in order to start picking myself back up I needed to take a hard, honest and open look at what I have been doing.  I need to put this out there because it is a part of my journey. Now it comes down to what my next steps will be. How will I reignite that spark and conquer the part of myself who keeps holding me back?  There are only 2 days of this year left and instead of spending those days feeding the negative feelings and giving energy to my former self, I am going to take a walk back through 2013 and revisit the good things that happened, the milestones I reached and prepare myself for a fresh start to 2014.

Who is she?

     What does it mean to be a strong, confident, beautiful and fit woman? I think that is what most of us women who are on this journey to live healthier is searching for, but who is she? What features or characteristics stand out the most?   Is she the woman who always has a smile on her face that people are just drawn to or the serious one with the no holds bar kick ass attitude? Is she the one who is spontaneous and fun, lives for the moment and says whatever is on her mind, or the one who can handle pressure with ease and has a plan for any situation?  What does she look like? Is she feminine and curvy or lean and muscular? Is she someone who can squat or deadlift as much as the guys or run the fastest mile? Is she physically strong plus has an inner strength that can't be shaken?  Is she a combination of all these things?

      I'm sure our vision of a beautiful, fit, strong and confident woman is different for each of us and that image will evolve many times as we grow and transform in our own journeys.  What I've been wondering a lot lately though is will I ever get there? Will I ever be able to say (and more importantly believe) "Yes, I am strong and confident, I am beautiful. I am in shape and fit."   When I first started my journey a year and a half ago my I never imagined my life would transform into what it is now. I've had some incredible highs, reached a lot of milestones and overcome emotional obstacles, but there have also been plenty of bumps in the road along the way.  And most of those bumps are the same ones I hit over and over again. I still doubt my self-worth and at times lack confidence.  The past couple of months I've really struggled with being able to look in the mirror--at times all I see is a manly ugly beast. I tend to focus on any negative comments (even if it's from one person) and disregard the many positive comments I hear and that is then when the self-doubt sets in.  I start asking myself are my muscles nasty and gross even though in my vision of what the strong and confident woman looks like she is muscular and physically strong.  So then why do I even question whether I'm too manly looking?  Maybe it's just that my vision of beauty and strength is different than someone else's vision.
 
     It's those conflicting feelings though that hold me back from becoming the strong woman I want to be.  I let the self-doubt turn into a larger obstacle (more like a huge mountain) and I start feeling weak and questioning everything. I'm not alone in this though. I think there are a lot of women who go through these constant battles within themselves.   What I tend to forget is that in fighting these battles we ARE making ourselves stronger and the stronger we become the more we will allow that fit and beautiful woman within us shine.

   

   

     

   

   

   


   




     

How bad do I want it?

    I've struggled before during my journey. I've had many ups and downs, gone through enough emotional roller coaster rides that would make anyone's head spin. I've gone through different phases where I'm on top of the world then all of a sudden feel lost and have no clue what I am doing.  But NEVER before have I struggled getting into the gym. I've never struggled with wanting to work out.  Even when I may not give it my all, I'm there and make it a point to get in a workout.  The past couple of weeks, I've cancelled a couple training appointments, skipped some of my 4am incline treadmill workouts and just not gone in.  Yes, I had a busy schedule and had to make some adjustments, but never have I not made it a priority. Then the past couple of days it's become more than that.  I couldn't get myself to go.  Then yesterday, I made up my mind I had to go, I got to the gym parking lot, sat in my hot van for 10 minutes in tears because I didn't want to walk through the door.  Why?!?!  What in the world is going on with me?
    I wrote the majority of this blog earlier today at the gym sitting on the floor in the movie room in tears.  I know I'm on a path to self destruction and I'm the only one who can stop it. I cannot continue to give up on myself and right now that is what I am doing.  How bad do I want to reach my goals?  How bad do I want to be happy with who I am?  How important to me is this new person I have created?  I need to wipe away the tears, stop hiding in the movie room, stop being a wallflower again and get my butt back to the battle ropes and finish my workout.  If I have to cry while doing it so be it, but I'm not a quitter.

Earlier this spring--on a good battle rope day

    I am getting so mad and upset with myself right now because I cannot get through 40 seconds of squat jumps with power slams on the battle ropes. I keep giving up.  I made it to 30 seconds a few minutes ago--told myself okay 10 more seconds, I can do this, but what did I do? Threw the ropes down and said I can't (plus a few other choice words).  Is that REALLY showing how bad I want this?  This is exactly what I have been doing off and on since I first reached my milestone of less than 200lbs.  It's becoming a pattern, I'm on the top of my game, nothing can stop me--I eat clean, don't cheat, workout at least 6 days a week, the scale does down, I'm looking and feeling great.  Like this past month I've lost 14 lbs since July 29, I submitted my story to the Rachel Ray show, decide I'm going to do a half-marathon in November--I'm feeling strong and empowered but what do I do??  I start listening to that nasty little voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve this new lifestyle that I've created. I start listening to the people I care most about when they say I'm not around, not there for them when they need me or that I care more about myself and my happiness than I do them. I start listening to other people who say I work hard so I deserve to treat myself and to stop obsessing over everything I eat or don't eat. I listen to others saying I'm not going to be able to keep this up forever, I need to slow down and enjoy life, not be so regimented. 
    So what do I do? I give up on myself. I start thinking I can't control what I put in my mouth so I eat. This is the first time though that it has effected my workouts.   I let the guilt and selfish feelings creep in. I feel like I'm a terrible mother and daughter and that me becoming happy and confident with who I am is at their expense.  Megan said something to me this morning that really got me thinking. She said when I'm me and just being me I shine but as soon as I let what others say or think in I crumble and lose sight of what I want.  She's right--there is not an in-between with me.  When I'm focused I'm on top of the world and everything is great but as soon as I let the outside world in I panic and push that button that starts screaming out "caution, this person will self-destruct in 10 seconds..10...9...8....7.....at times I can switch it off at this

point but other times I can't shut if off and I start struggling with wanting to eat (getting better about not binging but still using food to feel better...lately it's been spoonfuls of peanut butter or last night getting an ice cream sandwich from the freezer after already having a protein bar, taking 2 bites then getting so mad at myself for turning to food that I toss it at my mom telling her I can't handle having that in the house right now). The scale starts going up again and I feel like I'm losing control.  It's those times I might get down to 3 or even 2 on the self destruct scale before I find that power within me to shut it down before I implode.  That’s why I was in the ATF parking lot crying yesterday or why I’m back in the movie room yet again writing in tears because I cannot push through 40 seconds.  I haven't been able to switch off the self destruct mode. 

       This is not what I have fought so hard for the past year and a half to become. I have not worked my ass off to become a whole new me to give up every few weeks. How bad do I want to work for this new attitude, this new body, this new life? How bad do I want to strive to reach my goals? How bad do I want to sparkle? 
    So where do I go from here? First I have to wipe away the tears, put the pen down and get out of the movie room and push through 40 seconds of squat jump power slams. I cannot let the battle ropes beat me today. If I do what happens if that self destruct counts down to 0?
      My trainer in Greenfield, Matt, has had me watch Eric Thomas' motivational video  "How Bad Do You (REALLY) Want It?" several times and one thing I thought of today as I was crying in the movie room was from this video, "Don't cry to give up. Cry to keep going."  I don't think I have ever stopped and started a workout as much as I did today.  Pretty much every paragraph written in this entry is when I quit and went back to the movie room (plus a couple other times before I felt like I had to start writing).  Finally after 2 more tries I got through the 40 seconds.  I hit a breaking point today, but I didn’t let it break me.  I fought through the tears just like yesterday when I did finally get out of the van and went inside the gym.  I feel drained, emotional and a little overwhelmed right now, but I realize I wasn't crying because I was quitting, I was crying to find the strength buried inside me to fight through.  The battle with the battle ropes today was my way of hitting the shut down on the self destruct button.  I'm not going to quit, this may have been the closest I've come to completely imploding but I'm fighting through, will regain focus, work hard to find some balance, and put on the "incredible shrinking woman's" sparkly super hero cape and keep fighting through each and every battle that comes my way. 

Revamping the Get Fit Wish List

     Last September I made a Get Fit Wish List of some of the things I hoped to be able to do as I was losing weight and getting more physically fit. I thought I would revisit this list, share what I've been able to check off and add a few more.  Although at times it's been extremely difficult and at times my emotions have taken me all over the place, it's been an amazing journey so far and it's not over yet.    

Here's what I've been able to check off my list from my blog post from last September plus a couple others I didn't have on the post: 

• Buying clothes without having to shop in the "plus size"
• Wear cute dresses and high heels--wear the heels more than the dresses, but I have a couple cute dresses I can wear just not the occasion to where them to yet
• Being able to buy something at Victoria's Secret
• Made it through the mud-pit at Mud-Stash  

• Riding on the back of a motorcycle --this happened yesterday thanks to a new friend and her fiancee   (can't wait to go again--would love for a long ride through the country!)
  
  
  
  
  

•  Conquered the next level of box jumps                                                  
  
  

•  199 on the scale
• Get my driver's license--this is perhaps one of the biggest accomplishments I've made on this journey second only to letting go of the self-hatred and learning to love and believe in myself.

 I have found as I've grown stronger and more confident the more adventurous I am also becoming. I'm wanting to do things that I have always feared or never thought I'd be able to do because of my size. Am I becoming an adrenaline junky?? Even when I wrote the list last September some of it was so far in the distance that it still didn't seem possible that I could check them off. Now I'm changing them from a Get Fit Wish List to a Goal List. These are things that I'm not just "hoping" to do someday. Some of these are goals that even if I'm not physically able to accomplish yet I'm going to start doing the work that will help get me to where I can check them off one at a time. 

 

Here's my new goal list:  

• Goal weight: I am trying to put less focus on the number on the scale and redirect it to my other goals, however I still have a goal weight of 150-160 in mind. I did go through a rough patch and got back up to 214 not too long ago but am continuously working on the emotional eating issue (in fact revisiting the Get Fit Wish List is my knockout punch in the face to the inner battle tonight of wanting ice cream to dull something weighing heavy on my mind vs staying strong and not giving in to the emotional eating. It's a work in progress but for this time it worked--I left the ice cream alone and did not cave to using food to feel better.)  I am already back down to 203 and will continue on the path to reach my next weight goal of 175. Once I reach that I think I'll have a better idea of how much more I'd like to lose or if I've reached a weight I am happy with.
• Learn how to swim--I have always had a huge fear of deep water but am ready to tackle that fear
• Conquer the monkey bars at Mud-Stash in September--working hard on this one already
• Pull-ups--this goes hand in hand with the monkey bars, hopefully conquering one will help with the other 
• Go horseback riding 
• Roller coaster rides--both the horseback riding and roller coasters have been something I've always wanted to do but was afraid of breaking the horse's back and being humiliated if I tried to get on a roller coaster but had to get off because I couldn't fit
• Bungee Jumping
• Go Hiking--am hoping this will be marked off this fall with a camping trip this fall to either Madison, IN or Turkey Run.
• Yes, I still want to ride that mechanical bull
• Run a half marathon--heck lets make it a marathon 26.2 miles. I want to do a 10K this year and half marathon next spring and work my way up to a marathon
• Ice Skating
• Hot-air balloon ride
• Sky Dive---the date is set for this:  MAY 10, 2014 
• ZIP LINE--I don't want to do one of the traveling zip lines at different events just so I can get it marked off my list. I want to get a group together and go to Brown County or Go Ape (a zip line obstacle course!) at Eagle Creek Park. Any takers?
• I haven't completely decided on this one so I guess it would be on my "wish" list, but I love lifting weights so maybe someday do a weightlifting or cross fit competition. Something along those lines.

 It's amazing to think of all the things I have already accomplished and the possibility--no certainty--of many more accomplishments that lie before me.  With hard work and determination I will keep checking things off this list and creating new goals to reach....after all as a friend reminded me I AM a sparkly, rock star lady beast.