FOCUS

    This week has definitely been a difficult one where I have had to face some harsh truths about myself and just how much I have lost ALICIA.  Over the course of this year I completely turned against myself and refused to see the situation I was in earlier this year as anything but me giving away any power, strength and sparkle I had found.  And I have refused to forgive myself for not standing up and fighting for myself. That incident has left me reaching out in all directions for any outside validation I could possibly receive to use as my lifeline to feel happy and whole again.   I won't go into any detail of what happened earlier this week that chipped away enough of that wall that I am finally ready to stop fighting against myself.   I regret that it might have cost me a friend and quite possibly more. It hurts and I hope that isn't the case but only time will tell.   I do not regret however what I have learned this week. I am ready to fight for ALICIA.    I AM WORTH IT DAMMIT!!  Everyone keeps telling me I am but I haven't been able to tell myself that.   I do not want to keep repeating this cycle I am on. I do not want my insecurities, doubts and need for validation to keep consuming me so much that it pushes people away and causes me to lose even more of myself.  I do not want to crumble when faced with disappointments or rejection. I want to know my worth and love myself enough to be able to not feel broken and damaged by my past. I want to have a healthy soul, mind and body so I can be the sparkly bad ass super girl--- no sparkly bad ass ALICIA I strive for. In order to do that I have to dig my heels in and commit to myself so I can forgive myself and heal.

    I know this won't be easy nor will I instantly be "fixed"--(another hurt this week--"shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now).  I may go through multiple ups and downs possibly all in the same day and there might be days where I once again feel so lost that I feel like I am drowning reaching out for a lifeline. However, I will continue to FOCUS.

       I want to try to do a weekly recap on this blog about how my week has been.  Progress, thoughts, some workouts, setbacks, quotes or things that have helped me FOCUS. Maybe what I am going through can also help someone else who feels broken and damaged start becoming whole again.  As I mentioned earlier, this week has been an emotional one but it was made brighter by some unknown person or persons who sent me flowers at work on Monday AND Tuesday. It is an awesome feeling to know that there are people who care about me and try to lift me up when I am struggling.  

        I have also made it to the gym 5 times this week! I've been so inconsistent lately that what was normal before is a rarity now.  Some weeks I may only make it 2 or 3 times. I want to get back into a regular lifting schedule and get back to where I can jog 5Ks with ease.  

            This week's workouts

• Monday: Training session with Megan--Legs  Walk/jog trail 2 miles
• Tuesday: Casual 2 mile walk with friends (with a little running to catch up when Bailey would stop at every pole and tree)
• Wednesday: Back    Deadlift 5 sets: 135x10, 185x8, 205x6, 225 x 3 and 245x1    Tbar rows: started with 95#(7 10#plates and 1 25# plate) do as many rows as possible then drop a plate; Inverted TRX rows 3 sets 10  Walk/jogged 3 miles--finally made it 1/2 mile without stopping!!
• Thursday: Training session with Megan--Upper Body (killed my triceps!)   Walked trail about 2 miles  (was really upset and did a lot of thinking and reflecting)
• Friday: Circuit as many rounds as possible in 15 minutes (completed 4.25 rounds)  5 renegade rows, 10 squat jumps, 15 ball slams, 20 kettlebell swings
• Saturday: Let's work on those buns hun!! Hamstring/Glute workout with Megan (I plan on doing this one a lot! If you try it be sure to SQUEEZE your glutes!  My booty is going to be sore but I was dripping sweat)  50 glute bridges;  5 rounds of 10 reps each (with heavy weight) kettlebell swings (orange KB), plie squats with  red kettlebell, barbell hip thrusters (95#); 50 donkey kicks each leg (your booty will be cramping by this time lol);  50 glute bridges; 1 mile Arc Trainer/Stair Stepper (did most at level 10) 
• Sunday:  Rest (unless I go for a walk or something--writing this on Saturday)

      My nutrition isn't the best right now. I am not tracking calories or macros but am writing down what I am eating. I am not constantly eating though and several nights this week skipped dinner because I didn't feel like eating anything.  Honestly right now I'm not worrying as much about my nutrition. I know I need to be more mindful and make healthier choices but I have a tendency to try to change everything at once then get overwhelmed and stressed. Getting consistent with my workouts and gaining inner strength is my primary focus and may be all I can handle at the present time.  Once I do get stronger (inside and out) then I will tackle the food again. For now I'm just going to try to be more conscious about my choices. I have already prepped my breakfasts for next week.... I haven't done that in a long time and have been getting in the habit of getting biscuits, sausage, french toast or pancakes in the cafeteria at work. I had also been having some donuts but I don't think I will be touching those for a while.....having 2 a couple weeks ago cost 75 burpees of various difficulties--it was supposed to be 100 but she had mercy on me when I still had more to go when my session was over.  I was actually dry heaving a little.  Right now the sight of donuts makes me want to hurl.  Mission accomplished. 

      I feel like I have begun to find my FOCUS and for the first time in a while feel a little stronger. I am ready to tackle the week ahead and know I will get through the trying times.  Most of all I know I am taking those steps needed to SPARKLE. 

Path to Self Discovery

       Self-compassion....Self worthiness....Self belief....Self confidence....Self Esteem....Self Discovery....One thing these all have in common is SELF.   It all begins inside yourSELF.  Not someone else....Logically I know this but for some reason I don't trust or believe in my SELF without approval from others that I am ENOUGH.  However I am starting to see that NOT believing in myself or feeling worthy of like I am enough might very well be my comfort zone.    Perhaps my insecurities are my shield...my protector from disappointment or hurt.  Funny thing is, it doesn't protect me from disappointment or hurt.   This shield I have put around myself of not being enough lets me down every time and is holding me back from who I want to be.  It is what is causing me to constantly and impatiently seek that outside approval so much so that it pushes people away when that is the last thing I want to do. But it is what I have felt for years so it is what I know and am comfortable with no matter how self destructive it might be.  I want to be that sparkly bad ass super girl who stands strong and confident with her cape flapping in the wind no matter what obstacle comes her way.  The phoenix who rises up from the ashes every time she falls. The fighter that doesn't crumble when hit but hits back.  In order to be that person I need to discover myself and look within myself for that approval I so desperately seek from others. The fact that I am the one who needs to make me feel like I am enough isn't anything I've not known or been told many many times.  One of the first things Kyle had told me oh so long ago was no one will love me the way I deserve to be loved until I can love myself. He is right and I was close to truly loving myself but I think where I have gone amiss in the past is that I expect...no demand...that I be all those things perfectly instead of being perfectly imperfect. If I do not do exactly what I think I should be doing I fall.
        Although I know writing helps me work through the rough times, it can be extremely difficult to dig down deep below the surface...to get out of that negative comfort zone...and uncover the why and how I feel like I do. I need to open myself up to a new way of thinking.   But like with any change, changing the way I think brings with it fears of failing, making mistakes, disappointing others, fear that I won't see progress, that I won't sparkle.  As long as I am avoiding digging deeper I am going to continue this same cycle and stunt any learning and growing I need to uncover that path to self discovery. When I first started this journey to find my sparkle I did so by being completely open and public about my journey and it was a huge part of the successes and milestones I reached plus helped others on their journeys. Maybe I need to go back to that. Use this blog as my online journal to discovering my self worth--getting and keeping--my sparkle.

I have referred to this manifesto many times but am still on the path to discovering and believing what it really means to me.  As part of my counseling I have been attempting to read The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of Who You Think You're Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown. I say attempting because even though I know it is helpful the times I need to read most I have a hard time doing so. Part of the chapter I read tonight says "to overcome...we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgement and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self compassion."   Acknowledge--not ignore or hide. Acknowledge--not be perfect. There was a reference to Dr. Kristin Neff's website www.self-compassion.org that I think anyone who has difficulty loving or accepting themselves might want to check out.  On the site there is a self-compassion test that measures on a scale of 1 to 5 the elements of self compassion and areas that might get in the way.The site also gives exercises and practices to overcome the obstacles we create within ourselves.
 
My self compassion test scores:

Self-Kindness: 2.40
Self-Judgment: 4.80
Common Humanity: 2.00
Isolation: 3.00
Mindfulness: 2.75
Over-Identification: 4.75

Overall score: 2.10

Considering my self judgement and over identification (getting consumed by thoughts, worries, bad things that happen or you think will happen--in short making a mountain out of a molehill) are pretty near a 5 confirms what many already know about me--I am way too hard on myself and overthink way too much. So that is where I should start digging a little deeper.  And accept the fact that although I will surely make mistakes and stumble along the way that does not mean I am not a sparkly bad ass super girl. I have to learn that strong, worthy and enough does not mean I have to be perfect.  It means I am a warrior, a fighter, and on a constant journey for self improvement and self discovery.  The only way I am going to be able to achieve self love, self worth and finally feel like I am enough just as I imperfectly am is to put down the shield of insecurity and fears, find my cape, put on my boxing gloves and spread my wings.

Enough

     I've not posted in quite a while....at first because time had just gotten away from me--busy with work, being a mom, sticking to my workout schedule, exploring the dating world (more on that later),  But this summer it has been for a different reason.  I'm not sure if you would call it an emotional breakdown, a "F.M.L. I can't do this anymore attitude", or if my bad ass super girl cape was missing but I lost my sparkle.  I've written before about how for years I had suffered from deep depression, well it came back with a vengeance accompanied by severe anxiety. What brought it on??  I started losing myself, my lack of confidence and insecurities were coming back like a strong force taking over my thoughts and actions. I could probably start a whole blog on the whole online dating frustrations I have incurred this year.  I'm not to the point yet where I can share all the details with all of cyberspace but there was one experience in particular that happened the beginning of the year that over time whittled away at my feeling like the strong empowered woman I had become. After that occurrence there was one failed attempt after another. One could probably be an episode of Catfish.  I had one who cancelled a date because I wasn't feminine enough after he found out I could leg press 880#. Let's see...oh...then the message from some jackass who asked if I have always been a woman because I looked like a man.  OUCH!!   Well over time all those failed attempts destroyed my confidence and set myself up to sabotage any possible relationship. 

 

      It had also been a long time since I had reached any goals or milestones. Then after my last Mud-Stash in May I was having a tremendous amount of shoulder and neck pain.  I wasn't able to lift like I had been used to and I started to lose that drive and passion I had. How frustrating it was when I could barely dead lift the weight that had been my warm up!!   I felt like that was another blow to my self confidence.  I lost my outlet (aka Bar Therapy) that centered me and I turned back to food and gained over 30 pounds which of course just made everything I was feeling worse.   I pretty much became somewhat of a recluse and started canceling on friends and some days barely made it out of bed to go to work. I struggled with panic attacks. I felt like I lost myself in the bottom of a big dark pit that I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to climb out of this time.

    That little spark inside me didn't completely extinguish though and was kept alive by my son,  friends, trainers, other gym members and staff.  I truly am blessed to have such a strong support system who never give up on me.  Unfortunately I did end up having to go back on anti depressants and start medicine to help with the anxiety.  I also started seeing a counselor to hopefully work through all those issues that keep me from being that strong, confident  and secure person I want to be.  I've been working hard--and failing---to overcome that need for outside validation as the primary way I feel worthy. I've been trying to build that drive and passion back that was helping reach all those goals and milestones. I'm trying to  find that balance that will ensure that this is my lifestyle and not just an all or nothing back and forth cycle that I keep finding myself on.

    At times I feel I am making progress--slowly and surely with several moments of frustration but it is still progress. But other times like the past few days I am so upset and angry with myself for losing my worth I feel myself slipping down in that hole again digging my nails into the dirt trying to stop sliding. With each slip that sparkly bad ass super girl feels farther and farther out of reach.  I keep fighting but am I committing? Am I believing in myself enough to know I can uncover that cape and stand strong again?  People tell me I am one of the strongest women they know so why can't I see myself as strong?...more importantly why can't I see myself as worthy?  Worthy for people to care...worthy for a man to care...worthy for ME to care about myself, worthy enough, strong enough, attractive enough, thin enough, sexy enough, good enough.....ENOUGH. What will it take for me to see that I am enough?