Assessment #6: Did I do enough?

     At my last assessment a 12 week goal was set for me--get under 200lbs. That is my next big weight loss milestone and would mean needing to lose 16lbs at my assessment tonight. Sixteen pounds was the least amount I had lost at my other 5 assessments so achieving that was not really far-fetched.  I lost 9lbs and the first thing I said was it isn't 16.  Kyle assured me I had a great assessment, but I admit that nagging voice of insecurity was telling myself I failed and that I wasn't good enough. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have come so far in a short time but I am a little disappointed in myself for not reaching my goal. Did I work hard enough?  Did I let myself slack too much with eating?  Why can't I just be happy for myself for having just lost weight?    I know some people will not understand why I'm disappointed with a 9lb loss. From the look on his face, I'm not even sure Kyle understood since most people would be happy with 9lbs.   But I guess when you have spent years beating yourself up for not being good enough and not being able to love yourself, it's easy to return to that negative self-talk.  Tonight showed me that even though my confidence has grown by leaps and bounds I still have a long way to go to completely accepting myself and being proud of myself in all that I have accomplished especially when I fall short of a goal.
     Usually during my assessments there is not time for a workout, but Kyle had me do the workout of the day which was timing how long it took to do 100 squats with a cling and press using 12.5 lb dumbbells.  Every 2 minutes you stop and do three burpees (burpees are basically jumping down into push up position and jumping back up).  I finished in 8:58 which was pretty good and he said something about at 335 lbs would I have ever thought I'd be able to do a burpee and now I was doing them without much difficulty. He's right. Those are the accomplishments I have been drawing my strength and confidence from-not the numbers on the scale. Before I left the gym tonight I went to the wall of success (or as I like to call it the Loser board) and looked at mine, perhaps as a way to put things back into perspective. 

"Thanks to the staff at ATF and especially my trainer Kyle Watson, I have discovered within myself a sense of strength, self-confidence and determination that I never knew I had. I now have the drive, motivation and belief in myself to keep conquering my goals." 

 I re-read my quote and felt myself tearing up.  113 pounds is a lot to be proud of so why was I once again beating myself up?  (So now I'm beating myself up for beating myself up) So after a hug at the gym and spending the evening talking--actually texting-- to my "support group" (thanks Jae, Stacy, Leah, Aunt Joni, Jill and Charles), I'm realizing I need to focus less on getting under 200 lbs and more on the path that is going to take me there.

Improving my balance

     My balance is horrible, in fact I've told Kyle several times it just plain sucks. He tells me it has gotten a lot better from when I first started, but I just don't see improvement. I'm as weebly wobbly as ever.  Lately however I have discovered that not only am I not going to be balancing myself across a tight rope any time soon,  I'm struggling balancing all the different roles in my life.

                   
      I'm finding myself feeling overwhelmed.   I'm sure it's a combination of lots of things--primarily lack of sleep and stress at work, but I find myself getting so tired and feeling all this weight pressing down on my shoulders. I'm sure we have all been there before; we have so many different roles every day, it's hard to juggle them all without dropping one every now and then.  I guess the trick is not letting them all drop at the same time.  I am trying to focus  mainly on losing weight and transforming my life, but I still have all these other roles that I deal with daily--mom, employee, daughter, friend and more. It would be nice if we could all be on a TV show like the Biggest Loser where the only job you have is to get fit and lose weight.  But that isn't the real world.
      First and foremost I'm a mom and at times I find myself feeling guilty for spending so much time focusing on myself and putting some of my needs and wants ahead of Toby.  I think that guilt is compounded because I am a single mom and it's pretty much always just been me and him. Since he was little, I have  overcompensated for the fact that his father wasn't around and have tried to be both mother and father to him.  Granted he's a teenager and doesn't need or want me around as much as he used to but I think sometimes he misses me always being home. I know he is really proud of me and is glad I have gotten healthier but sometimes he does complain about me not being as available as I used to be--usually the complaints come around dinner time when he's starving and I haven't fixed dinner yet because I was working out or when I didn't have the laundry done and he was looking for clothes. Speaking of laundry and dinner, I am definitely not juggling the household chores very well.   When Tommy and I separated I pretty much didn't have the energy or desire to do anything. I didn't care if the bed was made or if I dusted each week. I let the mail pile up and lost any organization I once had. Now that I do have more energy and I'm tired of my house being a mess, I feel totally overwhelmed and have no clue where to even begin. By the time I get home in the evenings, fix dinner, do dishes and get things ready for the next day, it's about time for bed or I'm too drained to do anything else.       
         I have worked so hard these past several months to find myself again---no actually, to find myself for the first time. It has taken me almost 37 years to start feeling happy in my own skin.  I have finally made myself & my well-being a priority. I spend a lot of time in the gym and I know that is time I could be getting other things done, but working out is an outlet for the stress and it's during that time that I've worked through a lot of my issues.  I honestly believe the progress I have made by working out has had a greater impact on finding myself than the weight loss itself. Losing weight is an awesome bonus, but it is in the workouts and Kyle pushing me that I have found confidence and strength. I have this drive now that I have never felt before. My mind will still tell me I can't do it but that no longer stops me. I will try and keep trying until I conquer it (remember the box jump). For instance, this past week at our final boot camp, Kyle had 2 people doing assisted pull ups instead of the seated ones we had all been doing the past 6 weeks. I told him at my training session that night, I wanted to get to where I could do a real pull up.  I love the fact that I am constantly wanting to improve and get a little further each time I workout. So cutting back on the time I'm spending at the gym and on this weight loss journey is not an option.
        I think we as women and mothers expect ourselves to be Wonder-Woman or Supermom. Able to do it all (and perfectly at that) and won't settle or expect anything less of ourselves. It isn't working for me anymore. Expecting myself to do it all and have it all together all the time is putting way too much pressure on myself.  I need to figure out a way to balance out all these roles or at least come up with a plan to keep me from feeling so overwhelmed.  I'm a list person but tend to think I can accomplish a lot more in a day or weekend than I really can. Inevitably I end up beating myself up for not being able to do enough (imagine that--me beating myself up over something!)  I'm working on breaking that cycle and be happy with whatever I do get accomplished instead of thinking of all those things that I did not, but I struggle with that.   Sometimes I feel like a hamster trying to keep up with the wheel that occasionally throws you upside down on your ass. 

      I need to focus on getting just one thing done each day outside of my daily tasks.  Gradually that one thing a day will add up to where I can start seeing progress  (yes, Jae I was listening lol--and if anyone else has any suggestions please share!).  Just like my weight loss, it is not going to happen overnight. I took step after step to get to where I am now. I just need to apply that process to the other roles in my life.  Finding the balance I want in my life is going to be a process. I'm finally ready to take that first step.
 
   

Perks, Breakthroughs and Little Embarrassments

      As the weight is coming off I am often amazed how much I am changing mentally and physically. I am not the same person I was when I started my journey in March.   I have grown so much these past few months and I feel like I am getting my sparkle back.  In fact this past Friday I had what I consider to be a major breakthrough for me.....I looked in the mirror before going to work and thought I looked pretty.  I have NEVER thought that before.  I actually liked what I saw looking back at me. When I started this journey I hated myself and had for a long long time. Honestly sometimes I wondered if that would change even after losing weight.  I had always considered myself ugly and disgusting and I had absolutely no self-confidence.  For me to actually think I looked pretty, even for one day is a huge breakthrough.  Once I got to work I had to e-mail Jenn and Stacy to share my moment with them, bringing them both to tears. They  know how much I have struggled with feeling ugly and unworthy and I think for them to see me overcoming that is probably as emotional for them as it is for me. I am holding my head higher and have noticed I'm making eye contact now when walking by someone. Normally I would walk looking down at the floor--I guess thinking if I didn't make eye contact with people then they wouldn't notice me and see how hideous I was.   Now I don't want to remain invisible to others.
       My body is physically changing as the weight is coming off. I never thought I'd be so excited about bones and muscles. My arms are getting some definition and although you won't find me flexing in the mirrors at the gym, I admit I have in front of my bathroom mirror. In an earlier blog I wrote about constantly wrapping my hand around my wrist because my fingers and thumb would now touch. Well that has been replaced by my collarbone. Yes I know it's always been there but I've never been able to see or feel it before. Although I cannot see my rib cage, I can now feel it. And an added bonus-- if I ever need CPR whoever is trying to save my life can find my sternum! Speaking of the sternum area...(WARNING:  this part may be a little TMI for some so if you don't want to read about my boobs skip to the next paragraph!) my bras keep getting bigger and bigger--or I guess I should say my boobs keep getting smaller. My mom likes to point out just how much smaller they are getting.  It never fails, we will be in the van going somewhere and out of the blue she will look over (and sometimes reach over) and point out how much smaller they are.  Not so embarrassing for me, but it really gets on Toby's nerves if he's in the van.  I did have an embarrassing moment though in Wal-mart.  I stopped to talk to my aunt who works there when loudly in the middle of the aisle she said "wow, you are losing your boobs!"  That did make me a little self-conscious and want to shrink into the floor.  There are "perks" though to them getting smaller.  My back pain is gone which is a major plus.  And for all those larger chested women reading this you will know what I mean by this, when I lie down I'm no longer flat chested.  They don't fall over to my armpits anymore so I guess all those upper body exercises are making me a little perkier!    (Okay, I swear I'm done talking about boobs now!)
       There is one other physical change that does make me pretty self-conscious--the sound of my flabby skin smacking when I'm running or doing some exercises.  I'll never forget one of the first times I heard it, it was during the first boot camp I did and I believe we were skipping or doing high knees and *SMACK*.  I wasn't the only one that heard it, Kyle thought it was my knee or hip popping.  Nope, it was my flab hitting flab.  It is happening more frequently now and I try to not let it bother me, but it is rather embarrassing and I am self-conscious about it.   I will just have to live with it and as I lose more and the skin becomes loser it will probably happen more frequently.
       I had another breakthrough this weekend as well.  During boot camp we have been doing box jumps on Thursdays.  A box jump sounds really simple.  You jump up on this with both feet at the same time (and see the larger ones to the left---I've seen people actually jump on those too--I'm in total awe when I see that!): 

 I could not do a box jump. I could not do it on a regular step either.  Just something about lifting both feet off the ground at the same time just did not comprehend with me. So on the weekends when Stacy and I are working out I practice because there are very few people there early in the mornings so if I go splat not too many will see me.  I did get to where I could jump on the step platform and with one set of risers--except during boot camp. I don't know if it's because we do these TRX squat muscle up thingies beforehand and I'm tired or if it's because everything is timed and we are trying to beat our time from the previous week.  So it has become a goal of mine to conquer the box jump and this past Saturday I really focused on this during my time at the gym. I don't know how many times I would start to jump then just stop.  I had this mental block that just will not let my brain tell my legs to jump. The new physical trainer manager, Drew had come in to work while I was struggling with getting my feet off the floor.  He suggested I stand beside the box and just jump so I could see that I would clear it. My feet would land on the floor and not the platform so it would take some of the fear out of it.  I could do that but still I couldn't get both feet up on the platform....but I kept trying and finally--success!!  WOO-HOO!!

        I'm learning to embrace all of these "perks", breakthroughs and even the embarrassments during my journey.  Kyle mentioned during my training session today that I should start keeping a list of all these little (and big) successes to keep as a reminder how far I've come. He talked about when I first started and had to take breaks pulling the tire around the building and now to look back on that moment, I know I can easily do that and so much more.  I'm recording those moments in this blog, but he's right I should start a running list of dates and accomplishments perhaps I'll even record those little embarrassments too--just for future laughs. One day I'll look back (maybe as I'm doing box jumps on the great big platform) and think that wasn't so hard.