It started with a little spark.....

        My name is Alicia and I am a 36 year old mother of a 14 year old son, Toby. I have started a new chapter in my life this year and think starting a blog will help me with my journey. I am hoping in the process maybe I can help motivate others to make healthier choices in their lives as well.  I have been overweight my entire life but probably after age 9 I gained more and more weight each year. Through the years I became more and more of an emotional eater and turned to food for comfort when I was upset or down. I rarely have my picture taken and the one below was from a couple of years ago and was one of the rare times I tried to be active. I was close to my heaviest weight in this picture and could barely make it through a softball game without being out of breath and my body hurting.

       Although I have known for a long time I was heading down a very unhealthy road, I still did not do anything about it. It wasn't until several months ago when my friend, Linda, told me I had lost my sparkle that I really started examining my life.  I had given up on happiness, given up on myself. I was accepting it as fact that my life was destined to be morbidly obese, stuck in a marriage where the bad times far outweighed the good and falling further and further into depression. I was going through my day on auto-pilot, just going through the motions. The wall I was putting up around me was killing my sparkle. I must have had enough of a spark inside me though to make me want to fight to find myself again. I promised myself that in 2012 I would get my sparkle back. Although I did close the door on my marriage, so many more doors have been opening for me. The beginning of March at 338 pounds, I conjured up enough courage and joined Anytime Fitness. Then I went a step further and started working with a great trainer, Kyle Watson, twice a week. Since I have started working with him I have lost 44 pounds and 25.5 inches. I also have a great support system, not only at the gym but from my friends and family.  They have been there for me through my divorce and now while I am on this journey. However, I have found that the self doubt and insecurities keep creeping back in no matter how successful I have been.  I started a boot camp last week at the gym but it took me 2-3 weeks to convince myself to go for it. And I have to admit I'm doing relatively well in the class. Not great but I'm keeping up for the most part. Then a new challenge arose.... complete the Mud-Stash 5K/obstacle course in September. Same thing is happening. I keep telling myself " I can't do that", "there's no way I can keep up with everyone else", "I'm not strong enough", "I'm too fat" and so on and so on. Although others assure me I can do it, I still  find myself doubting. Why? I am accomplishing things I never thought I could do before (like in March only being able to do 2 1/2 minutes on the elliptical but as of a couple of weeks ago I can do an hour). My fear is still holding me captive. I have got to figure out how to let go of my fears and stop being so self-conscious. What's the worst that could happen?? I try it and have to skip some obstacles but at least I gave it my all. If I'm too scared to attempt it, how will I ever let myself grow into the person I want to become?