FOCUS

    This week has definitely been a difficult one where I have had to face some harsh truths about myself and just how much I have lost ALICIA.  Over the course of this year I completely turned against myself and refused to see the situation I was in earlier this year as anything but me giving away any power, strength and sparkle I had found.  And I have refused to forgive myself for not standing up and fighting for myself. That incident has left me reaching out in all directions for any outside validation I could possibly receive to use as my lifeline to feel happy and whole again.   I won't go into any detail of what happened earlier this week that chipped away enough of that wall that I am finally ready to stop fighting against myself.   I regret that it might have cost me a friend and quite possibly more. It hurts and I hope that isn't the case but only time will tell.   I do not regret however what I have learned this week. I am ready to fight for ALICIA.    I AM WORTH IT DAMMIT!!  Everyone keeps telling me I am but I haven't been able to tell myself that.   I do not want to keep repeating this cycle I am on. I do not want my insecurities, doubts and need for validation to keep consuming me so much that it pushes people away and causes me to lose even more of myself.  I do not want to crumble when faced with disappointments or rejection. I want to know my worth and love myself enough to be able to not feel broken and damaged by my past. I want to have a healthy soul, mind and body so I can be the sparkly bad ass super girl--- no sparkly bad ass ALICIA I strive for. In order to do that I have to dig my heels in and commit to myself so I can forgive myself and heal.

    I know this won't be easy nor will I instantly be "fixed"--(another hurt this week--"shouldn't you be 'fixed' by now).  I may go through multiple ups and downs possibly all in the same day and there might be days where I once again feel so lost that I feel like I am drowning reaching out for a lifeline. However, I will continue to FOCUS.

       I want to try to do a weekly recap on this blog about how my week has been.  Progress, thoughts, some workouts, setbacks, quotes or things that have helped me FOCUS. Maybe what I am going through can also help someone else who feels broken and damaged start becoming whole again.  As I mentioned earlier, this week has been an emotional one but it was made brighter by some unknown person or persons who sent me flowers at work on Monday AND Tuesday. It is an awesome feeling to know that there are people who care about me and try to lift me up when I am struggling.  

        I have also made it to the gym 5 times this week! I've been so inconsistent lately that what was normal before is a rarity now.  Some weeks I may only make it 2 or 3 times. I want to get back into a regular lifting schedule and get back to where I can jog 5Ks with ease.  

            This week's workouts

• Monday: Training session with Megan--Legs  Walk/jog trail 2 miles
• Tuesday: Casual 2 mile walk with friends (with a little running to catch up when Bailey would stop at every pole and tree)
• Wednesday: Back    Deadlift 5 sets: 135x10, 185x8, 205x6, 225 x 3 and 245x1    Tbar rows: started with 95#(7 10#plates and 1 25# plate) do as many rows as possible then drop a plate; Inverted TRX rows 3 sets 10  Walk/jogged 3 miles--finally made it 1/2 mile without stopping!!
• Thursday: Training session with Megan--Upper Body (killed my triceps!)   Walked trail about 2 miles  (was really upset and did a lot of thinking and reflecting)
• Friday: Circuit as many rounds as possible in 15 minutes (completed 4.25 rounds)  5 renegade rows, 10 squat jumps, 15 ball slams, 20 kettlebell swings
• Saturday: Let's work on those buns hun!! Hamstring/Glute workout with Megan (I plan on doing this one a lot! If you try it be sure to SQUEEZE your glutes!  My booty is going to be sore but I was dripping sweat)  50 glute bridges;  5 rounds of 10 reps each (with heavy weight) kettlebell swings (orange KB), plie squats with  red kettlebell, barbell hip thrusters (95#); 50 donkey kicks each leg (your booty will be cramping by this time lol);  50 glute bridges; 1 mile Arc Trainer/Stair Stepper (did most at level 10) 
• Sunday:  Rest (unless I go for a walk or something--writing this on Saturday)

      My nutrition isn't the best right now. I am not tracking calories or macros but am writing down what I am eating. I am not constantly eating though and several nights this week skipped dinner because I didn't feel like eating anything.  Honestly right now I'm not worrying as much about my nutrition. I know I need to be more mindful and make healthier choices but I have a tendency to try to change everything at once then get overwhelmed and stressed. Getting consistent with my workouts and gaining inner strength is my primary focus and may be all I can handle at the present time.  Once I do get stronger (inside and out) then I will tackle the food again. For now I'm just going to try to be more conscious about my choices. I have already prepped my breakfasts for next week.... I haven't done that in a long time and have been getting in the habit of getting biscuits, sausage, french toast or pancakes in the cafeteria at work. I had also been having some donuts but I don't think I will be touching those for a while.....having 2 a couple weeks ago cost 75 burpees of various difficulties--it was supposed to be 100 but she had mercy on me when I still had more to go when my session was over.  I was actually dry heaving a little.  Right now the sight of donuts makes me want to hurl.  Mission accomplished. 

      I feel like I have begun to find my FOCUS and for the first time in a while feel a little stronger. I am ready to tackle the week ahead and know I will get through the trying times.  Most of all I know I am taking those steps needed to SPARKLE. 

Path to Self Discovery

       Self-compassion....Self worthiness....Self belief....Self confidence....Self Esteem....Self Discovery....One thing these all have in common is SELF.   It all begins inside yourSELF.  Not someone else....Logically I know this but for some reason I don't trust or believe in my SELF without approval from others that I am ENOUGH.  However I am starting to see that NOT believing in myself or feeling worthy of like I am enough might very well be my comfort zone.    Perhaps my insecurities are my shield...my protector from disappointment or hurt.  Funny thing is, it doesn't protect me from disappointment or hurt.   This shield I have put around myself of not being enough lets me down every time and is holding me back from who I want to be.  It is what is causing me to constantly and impatiently seek that outside approval so much so that it pushes people away when that is the last thing I want to do. But it is what I have felt for years so it is what I know and am comfortable with no matter how self destructive it might be.  I want to be that sparkly bad ass super girl who stands strong and confident with her cape flapping in the wind no matter what obstacle comes her way.  The phoenix who rises up from the ashes every time she falls. The fighter that doesn't crumble when hit but hits back.  In order to be that person I need to discover myself and look within myself for that approval I so desperately seek from others. The fact that I am the one who needs to make me feel like I am enough isn't anything I've not known or been told many many times.  One of the first things Kyle had told me oh so long ago was no one will love me the way I deserve to be loved until I can love myself. He is right and I was close to truly loving myself but I think where I have gone amiss in the past is that I expect...no demand...that I be all those things perfectly instead of being perfectly imperfect. If I do not do exactly what I think I should be doing I fall.
        Although I know writing helps me work through the rough times, it can be extremely difficult to dig down deep below the surface...to get out of that negative comfort zone...and uncover the why and how I feel like I do. I need to open myself up to a new way of thinking.   But like with any change, changing the way I think brings with it fears of failing, making mistakes, disappointing others, fear that I won't see progress, that I won't sparkle.  As long as I am avoiding digging deeper I am going to continue this same cycle and stunt any learning and growing I need to uncover that path to self discovery. When I first started this journey to find my sparkle I did so by being completely open and public about my journey and it was a huge part of the successes and milestones I reached plus helped others on their journeys. Maybe I need to go back to that. Use this blog as my online journal to discovering my self worth--getting and keeping--my sparkle.

I have referred to this manifesto many times but am still on the path to discovering and believing what it really means to me.  As part of my counseling I have been attempting to read The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of Who You Think You're Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown. I say attempting because even though I know it is helpful the times I need to read most I have a hard time doing so. Part of the chapter I read tonight says "to overcome...we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of shame, judgement and blame; develop shame resilience; and practice self compassion."   Acknowledge--not ignore or hide. Acknowledge--not be perfect. There was a reference to Dr. Kristin Neff's website www.self-compassion.org that I think anyone who has difficulty loving or accepting themselves might want to check out.  On the site there is a self-compassion test that measures on a scale of 1 to 5 the elements of self compassion and areas that might get in the way.The site also gives exercises and practices to overcome the obstacles we create within ourselves.
 
My self compassion test scores:

Self-Kindness: 2.40
Self-Judgment: 4.80
Common Humanity: 2.00
Isolation: 3.00
Mindfulness: 2.75
Over-Identification: 4.75

Overall score: 2.10

Considering my self judgement and over identification (getting consumed by thoughts, worries, bad things that happen or you think will happen--in short making a mountain out of a molehill) are pretty near a 5 confirms what many already know about me--I am way too hard on myself and overthink way too much. So that is where I should start digging a little deeper.  And accept the fact that although I will surely make mistakes and stumble along the way that does not mean I am not a sparkly bad ass super girl. I have to learn that strong, worthy and enough does not mean I have to be perfect.  It means I am a warrior, a fighter, and on a constant journey for self improvement and self discovery.  The only way I am going to be able to achieve self love, self worth and finally feel like I am enough just as I imperfectly am is to put down the shield of insecurity and fears, find my cape, put on my boxing gloves and spread my wings.

Enough

     I've not posted in quite a while....at first because time had just gotten away from me--busy with work, being a mom, sticking to my workout schedule, exploring the dating world (more on that later),  But this summer it has been for a different reason.  I'm not sure if you would call it an emotional breakdown, a "F.M.L. I can't do this anymore attitude", or if my bad ass super girl cape was missing but I lost my sparkle.  I've written before about how for years I had suffered from deep depression, well it came back with a vengeance accompanied by severe anxiety. What brought it on??  I started losing myself, my lack of confidence and insecurities were coming back like a strong force taking over my thoughts and actions. I could probably start a whole blog on the whole online dating frustrations I have incurred this year.  I'm not to the point yet where I can share all the details with all of cyberspace but there was one experience in particular that happened the beginning of the year that over time whittled away at my feeling like the strong empowered woman I had become. After that occurrence there was one failed attempt after another. One could probably be an episode of Catfish.  I had one who cancelled a date because I wasn't feminine enough after he found out I could leg press 880#. Let's see...oh...then the message from some jackass who asked if I have always been a woman because I looked like a man.  OUCH!!   Well over time all those failed attempts destroyed my confidence and set myself up to sabotage any possible relationship. 

 

      It had also been a long time since I had reached any goals or milestones. Then after my last Mud-Stash in May I was having a tremendous amount of shoulder and neck pain.  I wasn't able to lift like I had been used to and I started to lose that drive and passion I had. How frustrating it was when I could barely dead lift the weight that had been my warm up!!   I felt like that was another blow to my self confidence.  I lost my outlet (aka Bar Therapy) that centered me and I turned back to food and gained over 30 pounds which of course just made everything I was feeling worse.   I pretty much became somewhat of a recluse and started canceling on friends and some days barely made it out of bed to go to work. I struggled with panic attacks. I felt like I lost myself in the bottom of a big dark pit that I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to climb out of this time.

    That little spark inside me didn't completely extinguish though and was kept alive by my son,  friends, trainers, other gym members and staff.  I truly am blessed to have such a strong support system who never give up on me.  Unfortunately I did end up having to go back on anti depressants and start medicine to help with the anxiety.  I also started seeing a counselor to hopefully work through all those issues that keep me from being that strong, confident  and secure person I want to be.  I've been working hard--and failing---to overcome that need for outside validation as the primary way I feel worthy. I've been trying to build that drive and passion back that was helping reach all those goals and milestones. I'm trying to  find that balance that will ensure that this is my lifestyle and not just an all or nothing back and forth cycle that I keep finding myself on.

    At times I feel I am making progress--slowly and surely with several moments of frustration but it is still progress. But other times like the past few days I am so upset and angry with myself for losing my worth I feel myself slipping down in that hole again digging my nails into the dirt trying to stop sliding. With each slip that sparkly bad ass super girl feels farther and farther out of reach.  I keep fighting but am I committing? Am I believing in myself enough to know I can uncover that cape and stand strong again?  People tell me I am one of the strongest women they know so why can't I see myself as strong?...more importantly why can't I see myself as worthy?  Worthy for people to care...worthy for a man to care...worthy for ME to care about myself, worthy enough, strong enough, attractive enough, thin enough, sexy enough, good enough.....ENOUGH. What will it take for me to see that I am enough? 

Christmas Night Reflections

      I didn't have the magical Hallmark Christmas that I was hoping for this year. In fact I made a tough but for now right decision and am back in the dating pool again.  It stinks and I am disappointed, sad, and hurt but I didn't let it ruin my Christmas.  In fact I'm proud of myself for realizing that although I care a lot for someone I care about myself and my well-being more. That may sound selfish to some but it is in no means selfish.  For those who know me know how long it has taken me to find my self-worth and know I used to seek outside approval to validate my self-esteem. I'm also proud of myself for realizing I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

 

   I may have shed some tears on this Christmas day but I still had a great Christmas. I am blessed to have a son who sees when I may need him to just sit and talk with me for a few minutes. Give an extra tight hug and make me laugh at his crazy love of insane socks.  I am blessed to have a mother who has always been there for me and Toby.  I still had a great Christmas because I am blessed to have wonderful and loving friends who are always there for me regardless of what day it is, what time it is or how many times I need them.  I still had a great Christmas because although (and I hate to admit it) my faith has not been very strong the past 1.5-2 years I am blessed because God loves me unconditionally and will never abandon me even if at times I may have abandoned him. I've prayed a lot the past couple of days for guidance through a lot of confusion and unsure moments. Not just for what decision I should make in this new relationship and issues I was facing but in my feelings and attitude towards life and my personal goals that I have struggled with several times this year.

     Now I'm spending Christmas night with a glass of wine and my Wonder Woman journal to determine what word will help me to refocus and intensify my sparkle in 2015.

 I started a list on Tuesday and keep adding to it.  I haven't determined that perfect word yet but my here's my ever-changing list:

Balance                Equilibrium       

       Capestrong         

    Wholeness        Destination 

Badassery                Determination          

 Refocus                   Rejuvenate

   I haven't discovered what word speaks to me most....wait just added more.... Discover or Discovery....so I think it's important I reflect back on the past couple of months and look at my attitude (I will be the first to admit since about mid-October I have had an F*@&-it attitude when it comes to my goals),  how that has brought me to the burnt-out, uncaring, thus heavier state I've been in the past couple of weeks, and what/how I'm going to tackle my lousy attitude and get back on track for 2015. 

Learning and Growing

 
      A little over a month ago I decided it was time to focus on breaking through those self made obstacles that keep causing me to stall as I reach for my goals.  With help from my trainers a new plan was devised for me that changed up my training, fine tuned my nutrition and reignited the spark inside of me.  Everything was great.  There was a fire lit under me and I was more focused than I had been in a long time.  This girl was on fire... In the first 3 1/2 weeks I lost 16lbs getting my weight back down to 204 and lost 1% body fat. I started seeing new definition in my arms and legs.  I felt like nothing was going to stop me.

Feeling unstoppable at Mudstash 9/6/14

Then I hit the brakes.  My son tore his ACL during football practice 2 days before he was going to be able to play his first game of the season. He had been dealing with an issue with his hip and was finally overcoming that. He was so excited to be off the sidelines and be able to play. But then he had a season ending injury.
I stayed focus and on plan up until his surgery drew closer. Then I started getting anxious, worried and overwhelmed with thoughts about the surgery, long recovery, mounting bills and just the overwhelming stress I started to let consume me.  As I've written before I still struggle at times with emotional and binge eating to deal with the stress. And last week I did gain 3 lbs because I was resorting to food to cope.  I weigh in tomorrow and I expect it will be up even more due to the binge eating I allowed to happen over this past weekend. Thankfully Toby's surgery went fine and he has started the long road to recovery. But losing focus on my goals made me start thinking... dealing with Toby's injury wasn't all that was making me lose sight of my goals. .I hit the same wall over and over.   There's a pattern that seems to occur after a few weeks of great progress and it seems to happen when I get close to breaking through that 204-205# on the scale.  I know I am stressed and overwhelmed with all of life's stressors (or as a good friend calls it--life's BS). That does play a part, however it's not all life's BS that brings things to a screeching halt. What am I afraid of that I keep slamming on the brakes as I get closer to breaking through that wall that holds me back?  Maybe the biggest fear is that I will fail and won't be able to reach my goals no matter how important they are to me or how hard I try ....

FAILURE is such an ugly word.  I mentioned to my trainer, Megan that I was tired of failing.  Her reply...don't look at it as failing....you are learning and growing. She reminded me how far I have come and my mindset is different now. Even when I think I'm failing, I'm not because I keep getting back up, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and pressing forward. I am on the right path to bursting through that plateau or stopping point  when my brain steps in and says WHOA wait a minute, you can't get past this point....but that's what I think Megan was trying to show me--I approach those stumbling blocks differently now. Yes I felt like I was crumbling apart the days around Toby's surgery (and at times like this evening when I feel overwhelmed and stressed and want to do nothing more than go on a scavenger hunt through the kitchen cabinets) but in reality I'm not falling apart. I did lose sight of my goals and I did eat crap food to deal with the stress I was feeling (not tonight though---I refuse to go on the kitchen scavenger hunt tonight).  I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel. I also wasn't prepared for success in regards to my goals but I remained strong for him and even confronted a situation with someone I would have previously lacked confidence to speak up about.  How I deal with situations now is different than how I would have 2 1/2 years ago at the start of my journey or even just a few short months ago.  I am constantly learning and growing and that is what keeps my passion alive for living fitter and healthier. My drive and perseverance is what will get me past that mental block I tend to put up (and it is what will one day soon get me past the 204-205 stop sign on the scale). I have learned to believe in myself and worked hard to gain the self-confidence that has allowed me to grow into the woman I am today.  It hasn't been easy but we all know there isn't a magic pill that will turn us into our ultimate selves overnight. If there were, do we really think we would find self-fulfillment and happiness in something we didn't have to earn?

I'm learning not to crumble or let life's BS break me when times get tough. I will keep learning and growing so that each time I face a difficult life challenge I will face it a little stronger than the time before. I will learn how to stay focused on my goals not just when things are going well but through the tough times. And when I fall I'll jump right back up.  I will fall....that's what life is all about---the ups and downs---falling and rising.   It's up to me to use those ups and downs to make me into my ultimate self. And this I know...I will not fail.

. 

Stuck in a Rut?

      What do you do when you start feeling stuck?  How do you get past just going through the motions?  Off and on throughout the past several months I have felt like I'm on a wheel spinning and not really going anywhere.  I get up at 3:30am, hit the gym at 4. Go to work. Go back to the gym after work. Come home and try to get a few things done and have some family time. Pass out around 11-11:30 then get up the next day to do it all over again.  My workouts have pretty much been the same...4 lifting days: Deadlift, Bench, Squat and Overhead Press. Fasting cardio and a little lifting and core work in the mornings. Zumba twice a week.   I still love going to the gym (and shaking my booty in Zumba) and not lacking motivation to get there or do my workouts, however just feel like I'm not making any progress. I know that's my fault because my nutrition is spot on Monday-Thursday then Friday-Sunday has been a free for all. It started with a cheat meal here and there then I'd have a fun busy weekend (i.e. a concert and 2 reunions all in the same weekend) and would indulge in food and alcohol (and lots of both). In the past I would always beat myself up when I would stray from plan and I had to work on not being so hard on myself. I loosened the reigns, got out of my clean eating routine and before I knew it was going on binges again and not just little binges...full all-out-eat-everything-in-sight-go-back-to-the-store-for-more type binges----I just wasn't beating myself up or feeling like a failure so I thought all was well. Then on Monday I'd be back on plan.

     Hit Repeat.
   
     Here I am ready to take hold of the reigns again but how do I get unstuck? What is it that makes us want to say "hey wait a minute this isn't working, I'm not going anywhere or even going backwards"? How do I change my mindset and break down the barriers I myself created that have stalled my progress? Perhaps the first step is to figure out what is most important to me. [A little side note---before anyone says but x should be more important than fitness goals etc...for this blog entry most important to me is pertaining to my personal fitness/well-being journey...my son, family etc are the most important thing in my life and me working to improve myself helps me give my very best me to them  :) ]  So I have contemplated, wrote...thought some more and re-wrote and came up with my top 5:

What's most important to me:

Be a sparkly bad-ass super girl--For me, that means being a strong, empowered, brave, confident, beautiful woman who isn't afraid of pushing past obstacles. Someone whose personality shines through and touches others. Someone who is constantly pushing herself to be better than she was yesterday. Someone who isn't afraid to go into beast mode and tackle whatever comes her way. Someone who pulls out her sparkly cape when she needs to and cannot be defeated. 

Me feeling sparkly

Me feeling like the bad-ass super girl

Inspire and motivate others--I want to share that spark with others and inspire them to create their own sparkle to transform their lives. I want to be there for others to help coach, support and encourage them to live healthier and happier lives.   I ultimately want to be a personal trainer, well more like a life coach and share my passion for fitness and healthier living.  

 Reaching a healthy weight and body fat percentage--I've always had the number 169  in my mind as the weight goal I wanted to reach and 25% as my body fat percentage. That would be half of where I started (over half on body fat since when I first started it didn't register since was somewhere above 50%). 192 is the lowest I've ever seen on the scale and my body fat hasn't gotten below 36%.  But I had to back off weigh ins and focus on other things because I was becoming obsessive with the scale and letting it effect my moods and confidence. I had to get to the point where when I did weigh and measure if it wasn't where I thought it should be I didn't self-destruct. I knew when I needed to get back to it. However I then think I became complacent. Convinced myself that maybe that was it, I had lost all I was going to which resulted in gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds--Getting stuck in a rut and not really getting anywhere.  Since I've been in this pattern of doing great through the week and lousy on the weekends my weight is back up to 220 and body fat 38%.  I AM at a different place mentally now and I want to break through the plateau and get back to working towards my original weight goal--just making sure I keep a healthier mindset. 

 Persevere/Never Give Up--  I want to keep challenging myself physically whether it be lifting heavy, competing or just getting in the best possible shape I can.  I want to get my body fat % and weight to a place where I truly want to maintain and not feel like this is where I'm stuck. I want to conquer the ups and downs with my mindset, get my nutrition where I need and want it to be to provide the best fuel for my body. I want to keep fighting for all the things that are important to me, even when it's only myself that keeps holding me back.  I want to be like the Phoneix who rises up from the ashes time and time again--brighter and stronger each time. 

 And  finally, yes, I admit it....I want a smoking hot body  :-)  -- who doesn't??  Okay this isn't the absolute most important thing but there was a time when I struggled to look in a mirror because I felt so ugly and unworthy. That time has long since passed and I will never forget that moment when I looked in the mirror and for the first time ever saw a pretty face smiling back. I'm proud of the work I've put in and the changes living healthier have done for my body (in ability AND appearance). Most of the time I do feel beautiful, but  there is always room for improvement.  I want to rock a sexy black dress--okay another sexier one because I did get into my goal size 14 little black dress I had bought when I was a size 24.  I want to build a more defined muscular and leaner appearance and as I work towards the other things on my list this too shall come. 

I realize it has come time to shake things up, set forth on a new path with a new attitude, strive for my original goals and not backing down until I achieve them. I do have a new plan I started September 1 and I'm excited (with a little fear) to start this next chapter of my journey. I hope to not only share the ups and downs along the way but hopefully reach out to those of you who may feel stuck right now as well. I encourage you to take just 10 minutes and think about what is important to you on your journey. Where do you want to be? What goals have you put aside for whatever reason? Are you ready to take your next step with me?

     

It All Started with Wall Squats and a Stability Ball

 
       If someone would have told me how much my life would change since March 2012, I would never have believed it. Here I was morbidly obese, unhealthy, unhappy, felt unworthy, didn't believe in myself at all and was fearful of just about everything--and by stepping foot in the Anytime Fitness gym little did I know I was getting ready to turn my world upside down and create a whole new me from the inside out (or the outside in??).  It has been two years since I made the decision I had had enough of being a shell of a person and embarked on a journey to find my sparkle--- I certainly found my sparkle and so much more .  But honestly if my first trainer, Kyle would have told me 2 years ago during our first leg day that I would one day be competing in a power lifting competition,  I would have laughed hysterically and asked if he had gone insane. Oh how I remember my first leg day (at the time I didn't even know there was such a thing as leg day)...It consisted of doing wall squats with a stability ball supporting me against the wall. I had done a couple sets of probably 10 reps and at the end of each set I had to hold a squat for what seemed like an eternity (probably 10-15 seconds if that long). At the end of my second set my legs completely gave out. I was down on the floor and unable to get up at all. Kyle was trying to help me and I was feverishly groping at anything I could to pull myself up including Kyle (sorry Kyle). After finally getting to my feet I remember how mortified I was that I couldn't do something that seemed to be such a simple thing. I was fighting tears and so embarrassed by having everyone in the gym see this 335lb woman unable to stand on her own two legs that I could have easily hauled ass out of there never to return again. My legs eventually stopped shaking and after much reassurance from Kyle that what had just happened was actually a good thing--it meant I was pushing myself past my limit--I ignored that voice in my head that said it was too difficult and I should quit. I refused to run away. I refused to give up. I went back day after day and soon a spark inside of me was ignited that was going to just keep growing stronger and stronger.


I discovered the meaning of leg day and gradually worked up to where I could actually use a bar and do squats. I was stoked the day I got 155# (picture on the left). I had come a long way from my legs giving out doing a wall squat! And now my max is 295# and I'm doing crazy bad ass things like flipping tires, heavy deadlifts and leg presses with a total of 14 45# plates (picture below) that I did recently in one of my training sessions.

     Even crazier is the thought that tomorrow  I will be competing in my first power lifting competition doing deadlift and bench.   I've trained hard, ate clean and have learned a ton about myself. The past two weeks I've scaled back my training to help my body be the best it can be Saturday but it has also helped clear my mind as well.  I have finally realized I am a strong, beautiful, confident woman who has a lot to offer the world--it just happens to include a passion for lifting heavy objects (we shall blame my alter ego I like to call the bad-ass Super Girl for that). Not too long ago I would have thought that power lifting was an unreachable dream for someone like me.    Am I nervous? Sure, I've wondered if I'm anywhere close as strong as the other women who will be competing, but this is about so much more than seeing if I can lift heavier than someone else. This is about proving to myself that I can accomplish things I never thought I could. I've come a long way since that first leg day where I ended up on the floor embarrassed or the first time I tried to deadlift and could barely lift the bar. I keep pushing myself to keep that spark ignited. I have gotten comfortable (and confident) with who I am and don't get embarrassed when I end up on the floor after a workout.

In fact I feel empowered (or maybe I should say pretty awesome since that is what is on my shirt). My point is this....something you may think is an impossible dream can become a possibility once you stop telling yourself  "I can't do it", "I'm too fat/out of shape/etc", "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it". Those that have been with me throughout my journey know that I repeatedly told myself all of those things and much, much worse. I'm here to tell you though when you stop doubting yourself and stop beating yourself up for not being good enough and truly start believing you are strong, capable and "worth it" a whole new world of possibilities will open up. Your dreams WILL become a reality. Dig deep and find your own bad-ass Super Girl or Superman!!