Reaching a HUGE milestone

   

     Today I finally got my driver's license---at the age of 37.  I know to many who may be reading this are probably thinking "wow what is wrong with this girl?"  Driving is something just about every teenager cannot wait to do. Well for me, it was something that would send me into an instant panic attack.  Just thinking of getting behind the wheel made me shake, unable to breathe and want to throw up---I felt pure fear. The longer I put it off the worse that panic became and the more embarrassed I was. I think my mom had given up on me ever driving and honestly I never thought I would be able to.   I was paralyzed and ashamed by my fear of driving but I couldn't say what caused that fear.  I was never in a bad wreck or witness to one that would possibly have caused it.   If you've read any of my prior blog entries or have known me you know self-confidence has never been one of my strengths so maybe it was the fear of failing or of having to rely on myself.   It was just this huge insurmountable wall that I built up inside my mind. I didn't believe in myself even with something that most find such a simple and routine task.  I know it probably sounds ridiculous to be that afraid of something you need to be an independent person. Perhaps that was what it was....the fear of being strong and independent?  Afraid I didn't have what it took to be able to rely on myself?  That reminds me of this motivational quote I found not too long ago:

 I had never believed in myself or believed I was strong, capable, even worthy of  living. So if something scared me I just let it take over and immobilize me.  I let myself be consumed with that fear and made myself believe it's something I would never overcome. So once again I had given up on myself.  I was clinging onto that shaking branch and just waiting to fall off. I let my fear of driving hold me within the safety zone of my house and prevent me from living a full, independent life.  So what changed?  What made me want to overcome something I never believed I could do?

       Kyle had taken me to get my permit the beginning of April and even though I was just taking the written test I was terrified. Once I got my permit I still questioned whether I was going to be able to get behind the wheel.   In fact the first time I did I just sat in the driveway, shaking and trying not to burst into tears. I still hadn't made it out of the driveway those first couple of weeks when Kyle gave me a deadline (and a pretty stern text message)...10 hours driving time logged by May 6th or he was going to arrange for me to take a drivers ed course. That did help give me the push (or kick in the butt) I wasn't doing for myself and little by little I did get out of the driveway. Before long I was driving on I-70 with my friend, Debbie Robbins  back and forth to Greenfield for my training sessions with Kyle on Fridays and did a lot of the driving to Bloomington and back for the girls weekend I had with Jenn and Frances. Once I started getting more of the 50 hour required driving time logged and feeling a little more at ease behind the wheel we set a new deadline--get my license by the end of June.   So about 3 weeks ago I scheduled my test for today, Saturday, June 29th. 
         All of this past week though I had been getting more and more nervous and afraid. I went with my mom and my aunt to Blue River School last Sunday to practice parallel parking and I do not know how many times I was on the verge of tears and frustrated because I didn't think I could do it.  My mom and I went around town and practiced a few times this week as well but I still didn't feel comfortable with it and was sure that was going to be what would make me fail. (I know, I know---got to stop the negative thinking).  A couple times I thought about cancelling the test because I didn't think I could do it. But if I did that I would be back to square one and letting that fear hold me back once again--which I wasn't about to do.   By Thursday I felt sick to my stomach, but I wasn't going to cancel.  Yesterday when it was time to head to Greenfield I was such a nervous wreck just thinking about today that I was starting to feel panicky again. Those feelings along with the torrential downpour that started right before we were getting ready to leave made me want Debbie to drive. I did drive on the way home from Greenfield and we ended up at a standstill in deadlocked traffic on 70 between Knightstown and New Castle. While we were sitting though we saw a double rainbow which made me think of my favorite scripture:   

   For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
 
Honestly, I think getting my license today is one of the destinations God has led me to and it was supposed to happen during this journey to get my sparkle back--this journey that started when I used what little sparkle I had inside me to find the courage to walk through the Anytime Fitness doors.  That truly was one of the pivotal moments in my life, just like today has been another one of those moments. I got up this morning, nervous and scared but I went for a jog and gave myself a pep talk (something I never would have done before).  The negative thoughts tried to surface but I kept pushing them back telling myself I could do this.  I was still scared though and worried I wouldn't pass when Kyle met me at my house to go over for my test this morning. When I found out I passed I felt so many different emotions. I was fighting back tears but once I got back to my house and Kyle had left, the floodgates burst open. I couldn't stop crying. I had just overcome an obstacle that held me back all of my adult life. I was overwhelmed by how much my life has changed. Overwhelmed because I do believe God has this awesome plan for my life. I probably would have been able to stop crying a little sooner if I hadn't gotten on Facebook and saw Kyle's post about me passing and all the people who commented or liked the post. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and love by my family and friends. I was overwhelmed because so many of those were people I hadn't known before joining ATF--the trainers, staff, members, owners all of whom I know care about me and have been so excited and proud of me throughout my journey. I guess it isn't any surprise that the first place I drove myself to was Anytime Fitness. I am so thankful to God for bringing my this new family--my ATF family into the plan He has for me.  I know I will get through the scary and tough times not just because I have awesome trainers and friends who care so much about me and who try to hold that shaking branch still when I seem to struggle trusting I can do it on my own, but because I do believe in myself and have this indomitable will to spread my wings and fly--or should I say drive.

I am my biggest obstacle

       Right now the only person working hard to dull my sparkle is me.  The self-defeating voice is popping back up because I left Onderland.   I've gained 14lbs back and am struggling to get back on track.  I know I messed up--I had been splurging and at times binging and have been using food to deal with frustrations at work and home.  I feel like I've let down not only myself but my trainers and friends and all the people who have supported and helped me throughout my journey.  I've been finding myself feeling a little lost and fearful that I will go back to my old habits.   I lost some of my focus and discipline and the scale showed that.    Even though I am not at my goal weight, I do like who I am now and am proud of what I have accomplished.  So why am I once again letting the scale dictate whether I feel like a success or a failure?  I let those negative thoughts get into my head telling me I'm not going to be able to keep the weight off, that I don't deserve all these great things that have been happening, that I'm a huge disappointment. But you know what....that's not fair to myself. I've worked my ass off for over a year and have basically morphed into a new person. My trainers are helping me realize these are issues I will struggle with the rest of my life no matter what my weight is and it's up to me how I deal with those issues. They are right--I have to stop trying to analyze WHY those feelings still surface and work on acknowledging the feelings when they happen and ask myself WHAT I need to do to move past those feelings in a positive and healthy way.  It's time to stop being my own biggest obstacle.

  

I had started to let those fears gain control this week and kept adding fuel to them by doubting myself. Prime example-- I recently started boxing with Drew, the personal training manager at Anytime Fitness and the first couple of sessions I felt great--strong and empowered. I knew that I could stick up for myself and that I was never going to let anyone physically hurt me again without a fight. But then all of a sudden during Tuesday's session that empowered feeling was missing and overwhelming fear from the past was taking over. And for a while I let it, I couldn't swing back because I was afraid....but afraid of what? Afraid Drew would hurt me?  Afraid to be empowered? Afraid to stand on my own two feet and stick up for myself?  Afraid to show strength and self-confidence? I imagine I probably freaked Drew out a little bit but he was great.  He talked me through it and after a few minutes made me put the gloves back on and get back to it.  That's the key thing....get back to it.  I'm going to fall, overeat, slack off, have off or down days, feel fear,  the scale will fluctuate at times and I'm sure some days I will just be like "f-it".  I'm human and that is just part of life---but the difference between who I am now and who I used to be is that I do not give in--I'm not a quitter.  I'm going to get back at it and face whatever obstacle or challenge the comes before me head on (even those mental challenges I create for myself). The outcome of those challenges lies in myself and the mental attitude and determination I have. If I keep telling myself I'm going to fail or be afraid I'm not going to be able to keep the weight off then that is very well what could occur.  I refuse to let that happen--I am the only one who can stop me from reaching my goals. I am the one in control of how my life is going to turn out. Do I want to go back to where all I want to do is blend into the wall and not be noticed? Do I want to return to having to be on medication to keep my blood pressure under control or just to be able to go through my daily routine?  Do I want to lose the sparkle I've worked so hard to get? Do I want the lady beast I've uncovered to disappear?

       Hell no.

       Now the question becomes what am I going to do about it?