The Power of One Word

      With 2013 right around the corner I've been thinking about all that has occurred this past year. It has been a year of ups and downs, but it is by far one of the best years I have ever experienced. I have grown and transformed so much this year, I feel like an entirely different person.  About this time last year, I was at a really low point in my life--Tommy and I had been separated for almost 2 months and I was so unhappy, alone and in so much emotional pain that I didn't have much hope for 2012. However, like most people I still set new years resolutions: mainly to lose weight (this was an annual one for me).   I had read a daily devotional e-mail http://fcaresources.com/devotional/2011/12/21/just-one-word-part-1 about focusing on a one word theme for the new year.  The author writes:

"It has been my experience that God quickly reveals His plans for the year regarding your one-word. That word (be it a discipline, fruit of the Spirit, character trait, attribute of God or even the name of a person) will brand you for life! Every day, you'll be blessed as you experience God revealing to you powerful truth about your one-word theme. Everywhere you turn, there will be new insights and valuable lessons associated with that word."

       When I read this I thought coming up with a theme word was a great idea and it wasn't hard to figure out what my one word would be:  SPARKLE.  After Tommy had gotten out of prison and we were trying to rebuild our marriage, my friend Linda had told me several times that I had lost my sparkle. She could see I wasn't happy and that my life seemed to be unraveling.   I'm not sure why it affected me as much as it did but I have never forgotten her words and am so thankful for those conversations with Linda.

July

January

Summit Lake 5K-June

Mud Stash--September

November

October

 Red Nose Run--December

         As I searched for my SPARKLE this year I attempted and accomplished so many new things that I never ever thought I would be able to do. I started doing boot camps and running 5Ks. And who would have thought that I would be lifting weights. I know I never imagined I'd be able to do dead lifts and straight bar squats. Perhaps the biggest physical accomplishment this year has been Mud-Stash.  Being able to complete difficult obstacles made my confidence soar.  I also have so much more energy and have gotten healthier. I'm no longer pre-diabetic, my triglycerides went from 254 to 74  and my blood pressure medication has been cut in half. My body fat percentage did not even register in March so it was probably well over 50% and as of the end of November was at 40% and my BMI has gone from 52.4 to 34.8.  For the most part I have moved out of the plus size section (except jeans and slacks but I'll get there) and  trying on clothes is a lot more fun than it used to be.  There have been stumbles as well and I have had to dig really deep within to overcome my fears and insecurities.  I have had to face painful events from my past and determine that I will no longer be a victim. I am a survivor and my past will not define me or my self worth.
     I still have a long way to go on this journey but as 2012 is coming to close I started thinking about my theme word for 2013.  I'm not leaving SPARKLE behind, I think that word will always have special meaning for me.  (in fact I'm considering getting a tattoo of something signifying my journey and finding my SPARKLE but I need to find the perfect design--so if you are artistic and creative let me know!)   One of the things I have discovered this past year is that I love feeling strong--physically, mentally and emotionally. I have found a drive within myself to want to keep pushing myself to the next level.  So for 2013 I want to find ways to EMPOWER myself. I want to stop doubting my own strength and abilities. I want to move past the self-doubt and insecurity I still struggle with and push myself to meet new challenges and face my fears. I already know some of the challenges that I will be facing this year:

 1. Meeting with a group and talking about what has been working for me on my journey and sharing tips to help others on their journeys--I'll be doing this on Saturday 1/19/13 and public speaking scares me so it will be a challenge.
2. Complete a mini marathon (New Castle will be holding a mini on 4/6/13--anyone want to join me?)
3. Lose another 62 pounds to get to my goal weight of 160.
4. Continue competing in 5Ks--hoping to improve my time each time and be able to run the entire 3.1 miles without walking.
5. More Mud-Stash!!!
    I know there will be a lot more challenges that will surface including bumps in the road that I am determined to view as a challenge and not a struggle.   It has been a long time since I've been this excited about the start of a new year, such a big change from last year. I have also realized that throughout this next part of my journey it is important to me to help EMPOWER other people.  I never thought I ever had anything of value to offer others or that anyone would ever be interested in what I had to say, but my blog has had 1700 views and so many people have been asking me for advice or tips and have told me that my story is inspiring that I've started thinking maybe I really can make a difference. This coming year I want to use this blog not only to record my journey but to challenge others on their journey. My first challenge for you is to come up with just one word for your 2013 and to use that word throughout the year to start or continue your journey.

Reigniting My Spark

     The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me to stay focused on my goals--partly because of the hustle and bustle of the holidays.   But also I'm just in a funk.  That's the only way to describe it. I've gotten to the point where I'm not being consistent with my meals or my workouts.  I'm not writing down everything I eat especially on the weekends. Instead of getting to the gym 6 days a week I'm pushing to get in 4.  Consistency has been a key component of my success so far so why am I letting myself screw this up? Granted I have a busy schedule, but I've had a busy schedule during this entire process and I was able to control my eating plus made sure to get in all my workouts.  There is no question that I am a lot more confident and happy than I was before I started this journey.  I love feeling strong and proud of what I've accomplished.  So why am I now finding some of those thoughts of self doubt and dislike are coming back to the surface and extinguishing the spark I've worked so hard to get?  It is almost like I'm afraid to let myself be truly happy and love this new person I'm becoming. Perhaps it's fear of rejection, disappointing others and fear of being alone; or it could be feelings of guilt and selfishness for making this journey my priority. Whatever the reason,  I am so quick to berate myself and beat myself up for even the littlest of things.
     Lately during my training sessions, Kyle and I have had many discussions about this funk I'm in and how detrimental bashing myself is to not only my weight loss but more importantly how I feel about myself. I really think he needs to change his job title from personal trainer to life coach.  He has been so instrumental to me during this journey, I will never be able to thank him enough.  I would not have been this successful without all his help, support, encouragement and butt-kicking when needed--like now. He is helping me finally see that telling myself I'm ugly, fat, a failure, a bad mom/friend/person is holding me back and does nothing to empower me.   I'm not perfect and need to stop kicking myself for every little misstep I make.  This is a journey which means there are going to be ups and downs, I'm going to struggle at times and flourish other times.  I need to find a way to think about those struggles as challenges and not obstacles that are going to cause any progress I've made come to a stand still. I've written before how much things from my past have effected how I feel about myself which in turn caused me to use food and my weight as a shield--a protector against the pain. I was just living life going through the motions. Then with my marriage failing and my tendency to beat myself when I'm down,  I got to an all time low.  Last Christmas I was at a point in my life that I really didn't care if I was alive or not.  Toby was the only thing that kept me going and I hate to admit it but it still took a couple more months before I finally gathered enough courage to make a change. I had to really dig deep and find that pure desire to want to change. I had to acknowledge that I didn't want to live my life the way I had been for so many years.  I had to get rid of my shield--lose weight and stop seeking comfort in food.  Maybe if I had viewed those times as challenges instead of struggles I wouldn't have let myself get to 335 lbs or feel such self-hatred.
       I am realizing now that the things I have viewed as challenges--like the boot camps, 5Ks and Mud Stash--I found the drive and determination to overcome those challenges. And when I did, I felt empowered and happy. Those challenges have been a huge part in getting my sparkle back--those were the things that have given me self-confidence and strength.  What I viewed as struggles--getting away from my nutrition plan, telling myself I'm a bad mom, thinking no one could ever love someone like me, and so on--causes my sparkle to disintegrate.  I want to reignite that spark and no matter what obstacle comes my way, find the power within myself to tackle it like I have other challenges and not approach it like a struggle that I'm not going to win. I want to keep that spark going and live my life empowered and with a passion for being happy, fit, and self confident. I also want to find a way to help others ignite their own spark as everyone--including myself-- deserves to shine!
   

Visions of Sugar Plums....

      

      Remember the challenges on Biggest Loser where they make the contestants be in a room with tons and tons of trigger foods and if they give in to temptation they are usually rewarded with some kind of power to help them in the game?  The contestant has to choose whether they want the game play or be true to their nutritional game plan.  Well from October to January 1 we are in constant environment of temptation.
        It all starts with fall--bonfires with roasted hot dogs and s'mores and trips to the orchard. You would think going to the orchard would be great because apples are good for you....but not when what you are going for are caramel apples and can't forget about those warm and yummy applesauce donuts.  And then comes Halloween where there is an endless supply of candy.  We survive Halloween and before we know it Thanksgiving is here.  At least Thanksgiving is just one day, granted a day full of traditional dishes that are "must haves" in your family.   A day you know will be filled with turkey, dressing, green bean casserole, pies...and more pies.    For the most part, I did really well with the first round of the holiday temptations.   I stayed away from the Halloween candy and we tried a few healthier variations in our Thanksgiving menu.  Some turned out great others not so great.  Stacy made a wonderful buffalo turkey and I made a sweet potato dish with pecans.  Those turned out great, but every year one of the must haves for Toby and Stacy's daughter Jessica are deviled eggs.  I had the "brilliant" idea to use greek yogurt instead of mayo. I've been doing that for the last few months in a bunch of things I fix and everything had turned out really good.  Let me tell you, it doesn't work with deviled eggs!  At least I was smart enough to only do a few with the greek yogurt so I didn't have Jess and Toby really mad at me.
       The next round of temptation is in full swing--the Christmas Season.  I say season because it's not one day like Thanksgiving. It's a whole month of constant temptations. I noticed this week it's getting harder and harder for me to stick to my nutritional game plan. I guess you could say I have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.  There are so many parties, lunches, special dinners, all day shopping trips, pitch-ins..the list goes on and on with events that will be loaded with food that is outside my plan of what I should be eating.  Today alone we had lunch provided for us at work plus this evening I had a Christmas party.  Pizza, cupcakes, cookies, punch.....I gave in to all those today.  Not to mention the past several nights where every evening was scheduled to the max and I inevitably picked up dinner at 9 or10pm.  I am not going to beat myself up about it. But this week was just the start of it. There are so many more events where I know I will be faced with all the yumminess of Christmas.  From the crab salad and caramel icebox cake at the hospital's annual employee Christmas party, our family Christmas with Snicker salad and fudge, to our traditional McDonald's coke and ice cream cone that we have as we drive around looking at Christmas lights after our church's Christmas Eve service--just about every holiday activity we do involves eating.
      I sound like all I think about at Christmas is food, but Christmas means a lot more to me than what goodies surround me.  I 'm just focusing on the food part because that's where I'm struggling right now.  I want to be able to enjoy and indulge in some--okay a lot---of these special treats.  But can I indulge conservatively so as not to derail months of hard work?  I didn't do a very good job of that this week. To make matters worse with my schedule this week my workouts have been short and have missed the past 2 days. It doesn't look good for tomorrow either. Okay, I need to remind myself that I said I wasn't going to beat myself up about it.  So now I need to figure out how I am going to handle myself the next time I'm surrounded by all the temptations around me.  The schedule for the next few weeks isn't much better than this weeks so I need to come up with a plan to get me through that lets me indulge without going completely off the wagon.  Is that even possible? I've already made one decision today...tomorrow is our Cookie Walk at church. We go every year and get one or two boxes of all different kinds of cookies.  I asked my mom if she would be terribly upset if we bypassed it this year. Luckily she agreed because tonight as I'm writing this I don't know if I have it in me to stay out of them if we did get some. I am a little worried about my self control now. I've done really good up to this point in standing strong that I can do without the tempting treats, but that is weakening a bit.  I know I'm not going to quit or give up on my goals. I've come too far and I still want to get into "one"derland hopefully by my birthday on January 15. However, I may be leaning on my "support team" more in the next few weeks and need some gentle nudging if you see me nibbling on a mini cupcake or if it's a big cupcake please knock it out of my hands!  Feel free to shake me and say what are you doing girl!  FOCUS!!  Don't forget your goals and most of all don't forget: