It had also been a long time since I had reached any goals or milestones. Then after my last Mud-Stash in May I was having a tremendous amount of shoulder and neck pain. I wasn't able to lift like I had been used to and I started to lose that drive and passion I had. How frustrating it was when I could barely dead lift the weight that had been my warm up!! I felt like that was another blow to my self confidence. I lost my outlet (aka Bar Therapy) that centered me and I turned back to food and gained over 30 pounds which of course just made everything I was feeling worse. I pretty much became somewhat of a recluse and started canceling on friends and some days barely made it out of bed to go to work. I struggled with panic attacks. I felt like I lost myself in the bottom of a big dark pit that I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to climb out of this time.
That little spark inside me didn't completely extinguish though and was kept alive by my son, friends, trainers, other gym members and staff. I truly am blessed to have such a strong support system who never give up on me. Unfortunately I did end up having to go back on anti depressants and start medicine to help with the anxiety. I also started seeing a counselor to hopefully work through all those issues that keep me from being that strong, confident and secure person I want to be. I've been working hard--and failing---to overcome that need for outside validation as the primary way I feel worthy. I've been trying to build that drive and passion back that was helping reach all those goals and milestones. I'm trying to find that balance that will ensure that this is my lifestyle and not just an all or nothing back and forth cycle that I keep finding myself on.
At times I feel I am making progress--slowly and surely with several moments of frustration but it is still progress. But other times like the past few days I am so upset and angry with myself for losing my worth I feel myself slipping down in that hole again digging my nails into the dirt trying to stop sliding. With each slip that sparkly bad ass super girl feels farther and farther out of reach. I keep fighting but am I committing? Am I believing in myself enough to know I can uncover that cape and stand strong again? People tell me I am one of the strongest women they know so why can't I see myself as strong?...more importantly why can't I see myself as worthy? Worthy for people to care...worthy for a man to care...worthy for ME to care about myself, worthy enough, strong enough, attractive enough, thin enough, sexy enough, good enough.....ENOUGH. What will it take for me to see that I am enough?
