Christmas Night Reflections

      I didn't have the magical Hallmark Christmas that I was hoping for this year. In fact I made a tough but for now right decision and am back in the dating pool again.  It stinks and I am disappointed, sad, and hurt but I didn't let it ruin my Christmas.  In fact I'm proud of myself for realizing that although I care a lot for someone I care about myself and my well-being more. That may sound selfish to some but it is in no means selfish.  For those who know me know how long it has taken me to find my self-worth and know I used to seek outside approval to validate my self-esteem. I'm also proud of myself for realizing I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

 

   I may have shed some tears on this Christmas day but I still had a great Christmas. I am blessed to have a son who sees when I may need him to just sit and talk with me for a few minutes. Give an extra tight hug and make me laugh at his crazy love of insane socks.  I am blessed to have a mother who has always been there for me and Toby.  I still had a great Christmas because I am blessed to have wonderful and loving friends who are always there for me regardless of what day it is, what time it is or how many times I need them.  I still had a great Christmas because although (and I hate to admit it) my faith has not been very strong the past 1.5-2 years I am blessed because God loves me unconditionally and will never abandon me even if at times I may have abandoned him. I've prayed a lot the past couple of days for guidance through a lot of confusion and unsure moments. Not just for what decision I should make in this new relationship and issues I was facing but in my feelings and attitude towards life and my personal goals that I have struggled with several times this year.

     Now I'm spending Christmas night with a glass of wine and my Wonder Woman journal to determine what word will help me to refocus and intensify my sparkle in 2015.

 I started a list on Tuesday and keep adding to it.  I haven't determined that perfect word yet but my here's my ever-changing list:

Balance                Equilibrium       

       Capestrong         

    Wholeness        Destination 

Badassery                Determination          

 Refocus                   Rejuvenate

   I haven't discovered what word speaks to me most....wait just added more.... Discover or Discovery....so I think it's important I reflect back on the past couple of months and look at my attitude (I will be the first to admit since about mid-October I have had an F*@&-it attitude when it comes to my goals),  how that has brought me to the burnt-out, uncaring, thus heavier state I've been in the past couple of weeks, and what/how I'm going to tackle my lousy attitude and get back on track for 2015.