Learning and Growing

 
      A little over a month ago I decided it was time to focus on breaking through those self made obstacles that keep causing me to stall as I reach for my goals.  With help from my trainers a new plan was devised for me that changed up my training, fine tuned my nutrition and reignited the spark inside of me.  Everything was great.  There was a fire lit under me and I was more focused than I had been in a long time.  This girl was on fire... In the first 3 1/2 weeks I lost 16lbs getting my weight back down to 204 and lost 1% body fat. I started seeing new definition in my arms and legs.  I felt like nothing was going to stop me.

Feeling unstoppable at Mudstash 9/6/14

Then I hit the brakes.  My son tore his ACL during football practice 2 days before he was going to be able to play his first game of the season. He had been dealing with an issue with his hip and was finally overcoming that. He was so excited to be off the sidelines and be able to play. But then he had a season ending injury.
I stayed focus and on plan up until his surgery drew closer. Then I started getting anxious, worried and overwhelmed with thoughts about the surgery, long recovery, mounting bills and just the overwhelming stress I started to let consume me.  As I've written before I still struggle at times with emotional and binge eating to deal with the stress. And last week I did gain 3 lbs because I was resorting to food to cope.  I weigh in tomorrow and I expect it will be up even more due to the binge eating I allowed to happen over this past weekend. Thankfully Toby's surgery went fine and he has started the long road to recovery. But losing focus on my goals made me start thinking... dealing with Toby's injury wasn't all that was making me lose sight of my goals. .I hit the same wall over and over.   There's a pattern that seems to occur after a few weeks of great progress and it seems to happen when I get close to breaking through that 204-205# on the scale.  I know I am stressed and overwhelmed with all of life's stressors (or as a good friend calls it--life's BS). That does play a part, however it's not all life's BS that brings things to a screeching halt. What am I afraid of that I keep slamming on the brakes as I get closer to breaking through that wall that holds me back?  Maybe the biggest fear is that I will fail and won't be able to reach my goals no matter how important they are to me or how hard I try ....

FAILURE is such an ugly word.  I mentioned to my trainer, Megan that I was tired of failing.  Her reply...don't look at it as failing....you are learning and growing. She reminded me how far I have come and my mindset is different now. Even when I think I'm failing, I'm not because I keep getting back up, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and pressing forward. I am on the right path to bursting through that plateau or stopping point  when my brain steps in and says WHOA wait a minute, you can't get past this point....but that's what I think Megan was trying to show me--I approach those stumbling blocks differently now. Yes I felt like I was crumbling apart the days around Toby's surgery (and at times like this evening when I feel overwhelmed and stressed and want to do nothing more than go on a scavenger hunt through the kitchen cabinets) but in reality I'm not falling apart. I did lose sight of my goals and I did eat crap food to deal with the stress I was feeling (not tonight though---I refuse to go on the kitchen scavenger hunt tonight).  I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel. I also wasn't prepared for success in regards to my goals but I remained strong for him and even confronted a situation with someone I would have previously lacked confidence to speak up about.  How I deal with situations now is different than how I would have 2 1/2 years ago at the start of my journey or even just a few short months ago.  I am constantly learning and growing and that is what keeps my passion alive for living fitter and healthier. My drive and perseverance is what will get me past that mental block I tend to put up (and it is what will one day soon get me past the 204-205 stop sign on the scale). I have learned to believe in myself and worked hard to gain the self-confidence that has allowed me to grow into the woman I am today.  It hasn't been easy but we all know there isn't a magic pill that will turn us into our ultimate selves overnight. If there were, do we really think we would find self-fulfillment and happiness in something we didn't have to earn?

I'm learning not to crumble or let life's BS break me when times get tough. I will keep learning and growing so that each time I face a difficult life challenge I will face it a little stronger than the time before. I will learn how to stay focused on my goals not just when things are going well but through the tough times. And when I fall I'll jump right back up.  I will fall....that's what life is all about---the ups and downs---falling and rising.   It's up to me to use those ups and downs to make me into my ultimate self. And this I know...I will not fail.

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