Christmas Night Reflections

      I didn't have the magical Hallmark Christmas that I was hoping for this year. In fact I made a tough but for now right decision and am back in the dating pool again.  It stinks and I am disappointed, sad, and hurt but I didn't let it ruin my Christmas.  In fact I'm proud of myself for realizing that although I care a lot for someone I care about myself and my well-being more. That may sound selfish to some but it is in no means selfish.  For those who know me know how long it has taken me to find my self-worth and know I used to seek outside approval to validate my self-esteem. I'm also proud of myself for realizing I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

 

   I may have shed some tears on this Christmas day but I still had a great Christmas. I am blessed to have a son who sees when I may need him to just sit and talk with me for a few minutes. Give an extra tight hug and make me laugh at his crazy love of insane socks.  I am blessed to have a mother who has always been there for me and Toby.  I still had a great Christmas because I am blessed to have wonderful and loving friends who are always there for me regardless of what day it is, what time it is or how many times I need them.  I still had a great Christmas because although (and I hate to admit it) my faith has not been very strong the past 1.5-2 years I am blessed because God loves me unconditionally and will never abandon me even if at times I may have abandoned him. I've prayed a lot the past couple of days for guidance through a lot of confusion and unsure moments. Not just for what decision I should make in this new relationship and issues I was facing but in my feelings and attitude towards life and my personal goals that I have struggled with several times this year.

     Now I'm spending Christmas night with a glass of wine and my Wonder Woman journal to determine what word will help me to refocus and intensify my sparkle in 2015.

 I started a list on Tuesday and keep adding to it.  I haven't determined that perfect word yet but my here's my ever-changing list:

Balance                Equilibrium       

       Capestrong         

    Wholeness        Destination 

Badassery                Determination          

 Refocus                   Rejuvenate

   I haven't discovered what word speaks to me most....wait just added more.... Discover or Discovery....so I think it's important I reflect back on the past couple of months and look at my attitude (I will be the first to admit since about mid-October I have had an F*@&-it attitude when it comes to my goals),  how that has brought me to the burnt-out, uncaring, thus heavier state I've been in the past couple of weeks, and what/how I'm going to tackle my lousy attitude and get back on track for 2015. 

Learning and Growing

 
      A little over a month ago I decided it was time to focus on breaking through those self made obstacles that keep causing me to stall as I reach for my goals.  With help from my trainers a new plan was devised for me that changed up my training, fine tuned my nutrition and reignited the spark inside of me.  Everything was great.  There was a fire lit under me and I was more focused than I had been in a long time.  This girl was on fire... In the first 3 1/2 weeks I lost 16lbs getting my weight back down to 204 and lost 1% body fat. I started seeing new definition in my arms and legs.  I felt like nothing was going to stop me.

Feeling unstoppable at Mudstash 9/6/14

Then I hit the brakes.  My son tore his ACL during football practice 2 days before he was going to be able to play his first game of the season. He had been dealing with an issue with his hip and was finally overcoming that. He was so excited to be off the sidelines and be able to play. But then he had a season ending injury.
I stayed focus and on plan up until his surgery drew closer. Then I started getting anxious, worried and overwhelmed with thoughts about the surgery, long recovery, mounting bills and just the overwhelming stress I started to let consume me.  As I've written before I still struggle at times with emotional and binge eating to deal with the stress. And last week I did gain 3 lbs because I was resorting to food to cope.  I weigh in tomorrow and I expect it will be up even more due to the binge eating I allowed to happen over this past weekend. Thankfully Toby's surgery went fine and he has started the long road to recovery. But losing focus on my goals made me start thinking... dealing with Toby's injury wasn't all that was making me lose sight of my goals. .I hit the same wall over and over.   There's a pattern that seems to occur after a few weeks of great progress and it seems to happen when I get close to breaking through that 204-205# on the scale.  I know I am stressed and overwhelmed with all of life's stressors (or as a good friend calls it--life's BS). That does play a part, however it's not all life's BS that brings things to a screeching halt. What am I afraid of that I keep slamming on the brakes as I get closer to breaking through that wall that holds me back?  Maybe the biggest fear is that I will fail and won't be able to reach my goals no matter how important they are to me or how hard I try ....

FAILURE is such an ugly word.  I mentioned to my trainer, Megan that I was tired of failing.  Her reply...don't look at it as failing....you are learning and growing. She reminded me how far I have come and my mindset is different now. Even when I think I'm failing, I'm not because I keep getting back up, I keep putting one foot in front of the other and pressing forward. I am on the right path to bursting through that plateau or stopping point  when my brain steps in and says WHOA wait a minute, you can't get past this point....but that's what I think Megan was trying to show me--I approach those stumbling blocks differently now. Yes I felt like I was crumbling apart the days around Toby's surgery (and at times like this evening when I feel overwhelmed and stressed and want to do nothing more than go on a scavenger hunt through the kitchen cabinets) but in reality I'm not falling apart. I did lose sight of my goals and I did eat crap food to deal with the stress I was feeling (not tonight though---I refuse to go on the kitchen scavenger hunt tonight).  I wasn't prepared for the emotions I would feel. I also wasn't prepared for success in regards to my goals but I remained strong for him and even confronted a situation with someone I would have previously lacked confidence to speak up about.  How I deal with situations now is different than how I would have 2 1/2 years ago at the start of my journey or even just a few short months ago.  I am constantly learning and growing and that is what keeps my passion alive for living fitter and healthier. My drive and perseverance is what will get me past that mental block I tend to put up (and it is what will one day soon get me past the 204-205 stop sign on the scale). I have learned to believe in myself and worked hard to gain the self-confidence that has allowed me to grow into the woman I am today.  It hasn't been easy but we all know there isn't a magic pill that will turn us into our ultimate selves overnight. If there were, do we really think we would find self-fulfillment and happiness in something we didn't have to earn?

I'm learning not to crumble or let life's BS break me when times get tough. I will keep learning and growing so that each time I face a difficult life challenge I will face it a little stronger than the time before. I will learn how to stay focused on my goals not just when things are going well but through the tough times. And when I fall I'll jump right back up.  I will fall....that's what life is all about---the ups and downs---falling and rising.   It's up to me to use those ups and downs to make me into my ultimate self. And this I know...I will not fail.

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Stuck in a Rut?

      What do you do when you start feeling stuck?  How do you get past just going through the motions?  Off and on throughout the past several months I have felt like I'm on a wheel spinning and not really going anywhere.  I get up at 3:30am, hit the gym at 4. Go to work. Go back to the gym after work. Come home and try to get a few things done and have some family time. Pass out around 11-11:30 then get up the next day to do it all over again.  My workouts have pretty much been the same...4 lifting days: Deadlift, Bench, Squat and Overhead Press. Fasting cardio and a little lifting and core work in the mornings. Zumba twice a week.   I still love going to the gym (and shaking my booty in Zumba) and not lacking motivation to get there or do my workouts, however just feel like I'm not making any progress. I know that's my fault because my nutrition is spot on Monday-Thursday then Friday-Sunday has been a free for all. It started with a cheat meal here and there then I'd have a fun busy weekend (i.e. a concert and 2 reunions all in the same weekend) and would indulge in food and alcohol (and lots of both). In the past I would always beat myself up when I would stray from plan and I had to work on not being so hard on myself. I loosened the reigns, got out of my clean eating routine and before I knew it was going on binges again and not just little binges...full all-out-eat-everything-in-sight-go-back-to-the-store-for-more type binges----I just wasn't beating myself up or feeling like a failure so I thought all was well. Then on Monday I'd be back on plan.

     Hit Repeat.
   
     Here I am ready to take hold of the reigns again but how do I get unstuck? What is it that makes us want to say "hey wait a minute this isn't working, I'm not going anywhere or even going backwards"? How do I change my mindset and break down the barriers I myself created that have stalled my progress? Perhaps the first step is to figure out what is most important to me. [A little side note---before anyone says but x should be more important than fitness goals etc...for this blog entry most important to me is pertaining to my personal fitness/well-being journey...my son, family etc are the most important thing in my life and me working to improve myself helps me give my very best me to them  :) ]  So I have contemplated, wrote...thought some more and re-wrote and came up with my top 5:

What's most important to me:

Be a sparkly bad-ass super girl--For me, that means being a strong, empowered, brave, confident, beautiful woman who isn't afraid of pushing past obstacles. Someone whose personality shines through and touches others. Someone who is constantly pushing herself to be better than she was yesterday. Someone who isn't afraid to go into beast mode and tackle whatever comes her way. Someone who pulls out her sparkly cape when she needs to and cannot be defeated. 

Me feeling sparkly

Me feeling like the bad-ass super girl

Inspire and motivate others--I want to share that spark with others and inspire them to create their own sparkle to transform their lives. I want to be there for others to help coach, support and encourage them to live healthier and happier lives.   I ultimately want to be a personal trainer, well more like a life coach and share my passion for fitness and healthier living.  

 Reaching a healthy weight and body fat percentage--I've always had the number 169  in my mind as the weight goal I wanted to reach and 25% as my body fat percentage. That would be half of where I started (over half on body fat since when I first started it didn't register since was somewhere above 50%). 192 is the lowest I've ever seen on the scale and my body fat hasn't gotten below 36%.  But I had to back off weigh ins and focus on other things because I was becoming obsessive with the scale and letting it effect my moods and confidence. I had to get to the point where when I did weigh and measure if it wasn't where I thought it should be I didn't self-destruct. I knew when I needed to get back to it. However I then think I became complacent. Convinced myself that maybe that was it, I had lost all I was going to which resulted in gaining and losing the same 10-15 pounds--Getting stuck in a rut and not really getting anywhere.  Since I've been in this pattern of doing great through the week and lousy on the weekends my weight is back up to 220 and body fat 38%.  I AM at a different place mentally now and I want to break through the plateau and get back to working towards my original weight goal--just making sure I keep a healthier mindset. 

 Persevere/Never Give Up--  I want to keep challenging myself physically whether it be lifting heavy, competing or just getting in the best possible shape I can.  I want to get my body fat % and weight to a place where I truly want to maintain and not feel like this is where I'm stuck. I want to conquer the ups and downs with my mindset, get my nutrition where I need and want it to be to provide the best fuel for my body. I want to keep fighting for all the things that are important to me, even when it's only myself that keeps holding me back.  I want to be like the Phoneix who rises up from the ashes time and time again--brighter and stronger each time. 

 And  finally, yes, I admit it....I want a smoking hot body  :-)  -- who doesn't??  Okay this isn't the absolute most important thing but there was a time when I struggled to look in a mirror because I felt so ugly and unworthy. That time has long since passed and I will never forget that moment when I looked in the mirror and for the first time ever saw a pretty face smiling back. I'm proud of the work I've put in and the changes living healthier have done for my body (in ability AND appearance). Most of the time I do feel beautiful, but  there is always room for improvement.  I want to rock a sexy black dress--okay another sexier one because I did get into my goal size 14 little black dress I had bought when I was a size 24.  I want to build a more defined muscular and leaner appearance and as I work towards the other things on my list this too shall come. 

I realize it has come time to shake things up, set forth on a new path with a new attitude, strive for my original goals and not backing down until I achieve them. I do have a new plan I started September 1 and I'm excited (with a little fear) to start this next chapter of my journey. I hope to not only share the ups and downs along the way but hopefully reach out to those of you who may feel stuck right now as well. I encourage you to take just 10 minutes and think about what is important to you on your journey. Where do you want to be? What goals have you put aside for whatever reason? Are you ready to take your next step with me?

     

It All Started with Wall Squats and a Stability Ball

 
       If someone would have told me how much my life would change since March 2012, I would never have believed it. Here I was morbidly obese, unhealthy, unhappy, felt unworthy, didn't believe in myself at all and was fearful of just about everything--and by stepping foot in the Anytime Fitness gym little did I know I was getting ready to turn my world upside down and create a whole new me from the inside out (or the outside in??).  It has been two years since I made the decision I had had enough of being a shell of a person and embarked on a journey to find my sparkle--- I certainly found my sparkle and so much more .  But honestly if my first trainer, Kyle would have told me 2 years ago during our first leg day that I would one day be competing in a power lifting competition,  I would have laughed hysterically and asked if he had gone insane. Oh how I remember my first leg day (at the time I didn't even know there was such a thing as leg day)...It consisted of doing wall squats with a stability ball supporting me against the wall. I had done a couple sets of probably 10 reps and at the end of each set I had to hold a squat for what seemed like an eternity (probably 10-15 seconds if that long). At the end of my second set my legs completely gave out. I was down on the floor and unable to get up at all. Kyle was trying to help me and I was feverishly groping at anything I could to pull myself up including Kyle (sorry Kyle). After finally getting to my feet I remember how mortified I was that I couldn't do something that seemed to be such a simple thing. I was fighting tears and so embarrassed by having everyone in the gym see this 335lb woman unable to stand on her own two legs that I could have easily hauled ass out of there never to return again. My legs eventually stopped shaking and after much reassurance from Kyle that what had just happened was actually a good thing--it meant I was pushing myself past my limit--I ignored that voice in my head that said it was too difficult and I should quit. I refused to run away. I refused to give up. I went back day after day and soon a spark inside of me was ignited that was going to just keep growing stronger and stronger.


I discovered the meaning of leg day and gradually worked up to where I could actually use a bar and do squats. I was stoked the day I got 155# (picture on the left). I had come a long way from my legs giving out doing a wall squat! And now my max is 295# and I'm doing crazy bad ass things like flipping tires, heavy deadlifts and leg presses with a total of 14 45# plates (picture below) that I did recently in one of my training sessions.

     Even crazier is the thought that tomorrow  I will be competing in my first power lifting competition doing deadlift and bench.   I've trained hard, ate clean and have learned a ton about myself. The past two weeks I've scaled back my training to help my body be the best it can be Saturday but it has also helped clear my mind as well.  I have finally realized I am a strong, beautiful, confident woman who has a lot to offer the world--it just happens to include a passion for lifting heavy objects (we shall blame my alter ego I like to call the bad-ass Super Girl for that). Not too long ago I would have thought that power lifting was an unreachable dream for someone like me.    Am I nervous? Sure, I've wondered if I'm anywhere close as strong as the other women who will be competing, but this is about so much more than seeing if I can lift heavier than someone else. This is about proving to myself that I can accomplish things I never thought I could. I've come a long way since that first leg day where I ended up on the floor embarrassed or the first time I tried to deadlift and could barely lift the bar. I keep pushing myself to keep that spark ignited. I have gotten comfortable (and confident) with who I am and don't get embarrassed when I end up on the floor after a workout.

In fact I feel empowered (or maybe I should say pretty awesome since that is what is on my shirt). My point is this....something you may think is an impossible dream can become a possibility once you stop telling yourself  "I can't do it", "I'm too fat/out of shape/etc", "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it". Those that have been with me throughout my journey know that I repeatedly told myself all of those things and much, much worse. I'm here to tell you though when you stop doubting yourself and stop beating yourself up for not being good enough and truly start believing you are strong, capable and "worth it" a whole new world of possibilities will open up. Your dreams WILL become a reality. Dig deep and find your own bad-ass Super Girl or Superman!!