Waking up

     Last night's post about how far I've fallen off track and how I've let my former self take reign again was my way of sending a wake up call to myself. A way to hold myself accountable again.   The only person who can change the way I feel about myself is me.  Not my family, my trainers, my awesome support team...me and only me.  I need to fight my toughest opponent on the other side of the ring.....myself.  No one is holding me back except for me.  

    Part of holding myself fully accountable is stepping on the scale today.  See where I am at, try not to compare it to where I was but use it for what the scale should be--a tool to assess what I need to do to move forward toward my goals.  It is a stepping stone to help me pick myself up, dust off and start turning the charcoal into bright sparkly diamonds again. I know I am not where I was a few months ago, physically or mentally but I also know I will fight to get myself where I truly want to be.  Did I get upset when I stepped on the scale....hell yeah...there were tears and feelings of defeat and failure....but it's a set back...not a start over....Did I gain?? Yep, not as much as I had thought but pretty damn close.  But it doesn't matter.  That number does not matter and I refuse to let it define how I feel about myself....what happens next is what matters....the steps I take to pull myself out of this unhappy place I am in right now is what matters.  Maybe it's seasonal--the winter blahs, or my unhealthy relationship with food or perhaps the severe depression I suffered from for most of my life has reared its ugly head again. I don't know yet, but I do know I uncovered something tonight after my assessment during my lifting workout with Megan. There is this bad-ass super girl waking up inside of me ready to fight for herself. 

Unless you have felt it for yourself, it's hard to explain how lifting weights can ignite that spark deep inside. But that's what lifting does for me--it empowers me and reminds me just how far I've come. Sure a lot of my lifting workouts are just working on physical strength, but there are those instances like tonight where it's the inner strength (the bad-ass super girl) taking over and proving to my former self that all these doubts and fears I feel inside that have been bringing old habits back are no match for super girl.  She will prevail....I will prevail...no matter how many times I fall down...no matter how many times I may have to go back to the drawing board for a fresh start or to figure out what path I want my journey to take.  

 

A hard look at myself

  I've been beating myself to a pulp lately because I know I am putting weight back on. I feel like a failure because I know I have gained.   Although I haven't stepped on a scale for about 3 months, I know I have gained because my clothes are getting tighter and I have thrown everything I know about nutrition out the window.  I've been dismissing all the progress I have made since I started my journey because I have gained. I have gone back to drinking the diet cherry vanilla cokes on a regular basis. I wake up in the middle of the night and raid the kitchen cabinets binging on whatever I find.   I know I am gaining more than just a few holiday pounds but that makes me want to eat more. I look in the mirror and see the fat me taking over and I'm letting her--I keep going back for more and more food knowing in a couple days when we ring in 2014 that I will attempt going back to clean eating. But the fat me has me scared that maybe I can't do it this time. Maybe I can't stick with it for the 2 solid months my trainers want me to before introducing a cheat day every 2 weeks. Maybe I don't have what it takes to reach the goals I want to reach.  I am addicted to food. It makes me feel better when I am down. It's what I turn to for comfort when I feel sad and alone--which this past month I have felt A LOT. My relationship with food is what makes or breaks me and I know that I will ALWAYS have that struggle in my life. I'm feeling like a freaking failure because I have given up on myself the past few weeks. I've let myself eat like crap...having more cookies, ice cream, sweets and chocolate than real food. Why?? Why am I letting my former self that I fought so hard to change take over?   I keep thinking about this quote that I saw posted on Facebook recently:

"The first and greatest victory to conquer is Yourself. To be conquered by yourself is of all things most shameful and vile."


That's where I am at right now....letting the old, unhappy and unhealthy me conquer the person I was becoming. I'm letting her stomp out the sparkle I worked so hard to find. Is this where I want my journey to end? Do I want to end up back at the beginning, unhappy, unhealthy and overweight? Do I want to go back to where I can't get out of bed because I am so depressed and miserable?  Do I want to go back to where I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath?  I found myself in the gym parking lot earlier today in tears feeling like a failure when I saw this woman struggle to get out of her car. That could have easily been me a little less than 2 years ago and will be me if I give up. But after working out I still felt sad and down, so what did I do after I left the gym?  I went to get a diet cherry vanilla coke and then to Famous Recipe for chicken strips. I had that then more chocolate and  finished off the pint of Ben and Jerry's I bought yesterday plus the rest of a bottle of blackberry wine--and nights like this are happening more and more frequently.  Those are not the actions of someone who says she has all these fitness goals and milestones she wants to meet. That is why I am feeling like a failure...a fraud..... I have been using the holidays as an excuse to give up...an excuse to stop striving for what I say I want...an excuse to let old habits resurface and take over.  I've written before how little self esteem I had and how much I hated myself so why am I letting those feelings come back when I know how good having that sparkle feels?

     I need to learn to love and accept the new me no matter what size I am, no matter what the scale says...no matter if I'm in a relationship or not...no matter where I am at with my goals.   I haven't come this far to give up and quit on myself which is exactly what I've been doing the past few weeks. This started as a personal journal entry but I quickly realized in order to start picking myself back up I needed to take a hard, honest and open look at what I have been doing.  I need to put this out there because it is a part of my journey. Now it comes down to what my next steps will be. How will I reignite that spark and conquer the part of myself who keeps holding me back?  There are only 2 days of this year left and instead of spending those days feeding the negative feelings and giving energy to my former self, I am going to take a walk back through 2013 and revisit the good things that happened, the milestones I reached and prepare myself for a fresh start to 2014.