How bad do I want it?

    I've struggled before during my journey. I've had many ups and downs, gone through enough emotional roller coaster rides that would make anyone's head spin. I've gone through different phases where I'm on top of the world then all of a sudden feel lost and have no clue what I am doing.  But NEVER before have I struggled getting into the gym. I've never struggled with wanting to work out.  Even when I may not give it my all, I'm there and make it a point to get in a workout.  The past couple of weeks, I've cancelled a couple training appointments, skipped some of my 4am incline treadmill workouts and just not gone in.  Yes, I had a busy schedule and had to make some adjustments, but never have I not made it a priority. Then the past couple of days it's become more than that.  I couldn't get myself to go.  Then yesterday, I made up my mind I had to go, I got to the gym parking lot, sat in my hot van for 10 minutes in tears because I didn't want to walk through the door.  Why?!?!  What in the world is going on with me?
    I wrote the majority of this blog earlier today at the gym sitting on the floor in the movie room in tears.  I know I'm on a path to self destruction and I'm the only one who can stop it. I cannot continue to give up on myself and right now that is what I am doing.  How bad do I want to reach my goals?  How bad do I want to be happy with who I am?  How important to me is this new person I have created?  I need to wipe away the tears, stop hiding in the movie room, stop being a wallflower again and get my butt back to the battle ropes and finish my workout.  If I have to cry while doing it so be it, but I'm not a quitter.

Earlier this spring--on a good battle rope day

    I am getting so mad and upset with myself right now because I cannot get through 40 seconds of squat jumps with power slams on the battle ropes. I keep giving up.  I made it to 30 seconds a few minutes ago--told myself okay 10 more seconds, I can do this, but what did I do? Threw the ropes down and said I can't (plus a few other choice words).  Is that REALLY showing how bad I want this?  This is exactly what I have been doing off and on since I first reached my milestone of less than 200lbs.  It's becoming a pattern, I'm on the top of my game, nothing can stop me--I eat clean, don't cheat, workout at least 6 days a week, the scale does down, I'm looking and feeling great.  Like this past month I've lost 14 lbs since July 29, I submitted my story to the Rachel Ray show, decide I'm going to do a half-marathon in November--I'm feeling strong and empowered but what do I do??  I start listening to that nasty little voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve this new lifestyle that I've created. I start listening to the people I care most about when they say I'm not around, not there for them when they need me or that I care more about myself and my happiness than I do them. I start listening to other people who say I work hard so I deserve to treat myself and to stop obsessing over everything I eat or don't eat. I listen to others saying I'm not going to be able to keep this up forever, I need to slow down and enjoy life, not be so regimented. 
    So what do I do? I give up on myself. I start thinking I can't control what I put in my mouth so I eat. This is the first time though that it has effected my workouts.   I let the guilt and selfish feelings creep in. I feel like I'm a terrible mother and daughter and that me becoming happy and confident with who I am is at their expense.  Megan said something to me this morning that really got me thinking. She said when I'm me and just being me I shine but as soon as I let what others say or think in I crumble and lose sight of what I want.  She's right--there is not an in-between with me.  When I'm focused I'm on top of the world and everything is great but as soon as I let the outside world in I panic and push that button that starts screaming out "caution, this person will self-destruct in 10 seconds..10...9...8....7.....at times I can switch it off at this

point but other times I can't shut if off and I start struggling with wanting to eat (getting better about not binging but still using food to feel better...lately it's been spoonfuls of peanut butter or last night getting an ice cream sandwich from the freezer after already having a protein bar, taking 2 bites then getting so mad at myself for turning to food that I toss it at my mom telling her I can't handle having that in the house right now). The scale starts going up again and I feel like I'm losing control.  It's those times I might get down to 3 or even 2 on the self destruct scale before I find that power within me to shut it down before I implode.  That’s why I was in the ATF parking lot crying yesterday or why I’m back in the movie room yet again writing in tears because I cannot push through 40 seconds.  I haven't been able to switch off the self destruct mode. 

       This is not what I have fought so hard for the past year and a half to become. I have not worked my ass off to become a whole new me to give up every few weeks. How bad do I want to work for this new attitude, this new body, this new life? How bad do I want to strive to reach my goals? How bad do I want to sparkle? 
    So where do I go from here? First I have to wipe away the tears, put the pen down and get out of the movie room and push through 40 seconds of squat jump power slams. I cannot let the battle ropes beat me today. If I do what happens if that self destruct counts down to 0?
      My trainer in Greenfield, Matt, has had me watch Eric Thomas' motivational video  "How Bad Do You (REALLY) Want It?" several times and one thing I thought of today as I was crying in the movie room was from this video, "Don't cry to give up. Cry to keep going."  I don't think I have ever stopped and started a workout as much as I did today.  Pretty much every paragraph written in this entry is when I quit and went back to the movie room (plus a couple other times before I felt like I had to start writing).  Finally after 2 more tries I got through the 40 seconds.  I hit a breaking point today, but I didn’t let it break me.  I fought through the tears just like yesterday when I did finally get out of the van and went inside the gym.  I feel drained, emotional and a little overwhelmed right now, but I realize I wasn't crying because I was quitting, I was crying to find the strength buried inside me to fight through.  The battle with the battle ropes today was my way of hitting the shut down on the self destruct button.  I'm not going to quit, this may have been the closest I've come to completely imploding but I'm fighting through, will regain focus, work hard to find some balance, and put on the "incredible shrinking woman's" sparkly super hero cape and keep fighting through each and every battle that comes my way.